For Context Read:
Day 215: The results show
For exactly 63 days now, at least once a day, I’ll have a sudden rush of energy swell up within me – within the center of my body, between my upper back and my upper chest area and depending on what triggers it, it may produce intense momentary pain. And it scares the hell out of me when it happens.
Now, this particular point began 63 days ago when I was told that I have breast cancer. Every day since then, the fear of dying comes for me to face, and there is much resistance.
Artwork by Mike Lammers
As I’ve been investigating this and asking myself some questions, I’ve come to discover that what I fear losing are the relationships that I have, like my relationship with my daughter and my partner for instance. But what is it that I fear losing exactly? I fear losing control, or rather I fear losing the perception within my mind of being in control.
And I mean, I have placed value in every relationship I have and that value can be measured in energy within the starting point of fear. Fear of losing control and fear of loss. But the fear of loss is the fear of losing the value / definition I’ve given to myself through the energy of /as the relationship.
Suggest Read: Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying for completely selfish reasons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking my last breath because I see, realize and understand that how I have perceived that moment to be is in fact Not real and exists only within my mind and therefore I commit myself to when and as I see myself triggered by a memory or a thought within the idea and fear of taking my last breath, I stop. I focus on my breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in shame and fear within the need to have or be with someone / in a relationship in order to confirm the definition I have of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to hold myself into and with a relationship with my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an unwillingness to look at my fear of death in self honesty, to see for myself who, what and how I am equal and one with / as my fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of the need to worry over and protect my children, and for the reactions/energetic experience I create for myself as one of being a hero as a result of my fear of losing control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in my relationships according to the level of manipulation that I’ve used to control others and/or to fulfill my idea/perception of being in control based upon a positive energy experience/charge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to abdicate taking responsibility for how our current world/money system exists.
I commit myself to let go of and stop worrying over and believing in the urge to protect my children because I see, realize and understand that they’re okay and will be okay and I commit myself to move myself to face all of me.
When and as I see myself participating in a negative energy experience within the fear of dying, I stop. I Breathe. Instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that it is not possible to lose myself therefore, I commit myself to stand for me in and as breath here.
I commit myself to give myself the chance to forgive my fear of leaving or losing myself.
Alright, more to come.