Tag Archive | spite

Day 173: Money Hungry Voice of Delusion

continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!

Day 172: Belittling Voices

Ok, continuing here to investigate the characters/personalities that I gave energy to as the voices in my head when my daughter called to ask me if I will stop on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs – I can already see the depth of my ego as it flows from the innermost fabric of who I am according to the almighty dollar. Therefore,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize who I become when the mention of money triggers a multitude of personalities within and as my mind, where at the mere mention of money my mind takes a negative energy experience of myself and utilizes energy as a spring board of sorts to catapult myself further into and as my mind further into the depths of who I am as ego – where I slip myself right into and as a suit of authority with green-bac$ positioning all the way with survival secretly on my mind as I reach for a positive feeling experience – while I protect the who I am as ego because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing I can ever do will ever change who I am – all the while not realizing that in that moment of breath, as I imagined myself having a grandiose experience of authoritative nature, I never noticed the tone of the money hungry voice of delusion in my head, secretly speaking to my daughter’s request first with the words: “you have got to be kidding me” – where instead of actually hearing/seeing/realizing/understanding the fear in the constant state of struggle that exists within the lives of people within our current world/money system – I’m to busy accepting the fear of who I am and sugar coating it within and as who I am as ego, because that’s how I avoid taking self-responsibility for the role that I play within our world which is ravished daily according to the rules of a Capitalistic Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely deny how money is my hook, line and sinker,  where according to money and how much or how little I have of it, I will take myself from a negative to a positive experience as hopelessness to powerful all within multiple dimensions of/as delusions in and as my mind – where I secretly allow the voices in my head to direct who I am and what decisions I make because I have never had the courage to face all of me, to see, realize and understand every detail of my being, to direct myself in self-honesty, to change the very nature of who I am to one where the voices in my head stop within the movement of forgiveness as self in and as a practical physical living of/as self, according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the delusional voices in my head that lead me to imagine that when I experience energy whether positive or negative that it must be a real experience that I can call my own – when the fact is my relationship to energy as experience is and has always been on borrowed time,  no different from borrowing moneyin that there will always be a debt to be paid  – where the more we take from the life of others in accepting and allowing pain and suffering, the more in-debt to and as life we become.

When and as I see myself in a situation where one of my children for instance, are asking me for money, and in my head I hear a voice that beats to the tone of sarcasm as my mind enters what seems like warp speed and I barely notice that I am imagining myself as someone who is a voice of authority and power,  because that’s who I make myself believe I am when it comes to money – because that gives me an experience in my mind that I’m in control of my life when in fact I am completely aware that we in fact have No control within our abusive world/money system, a SYSTEM that WE accept and allow, I stop, I breathe – instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that the rules of our current world/money system are ones that WE have accepted and allowed without considering the fact that WE are constantly setting ourselves up to fail, thus, I commit myself to show how it is I / WE who decide who we are and I commit myself to remain standing until the last tear drop falls and we’ve had enough, where we see, realize and understand and are willing to push ouselves to change the very nature of who we are through self-forgiveness –  to thus become aware of the patterns that bind us, so we can be prepared and willing to re-design ourselves and our current world/money system to one that supports ALL life according to what’s best for all,  to bring an end to the dis-ease of the human psyche, and manifest Heaven on Earth, with the first step being that of Equal Money.

I commit myself to show that the patterns of our mind is the fear that binds us and keeps us in our constant pace to survive and how fear is absolutely Not necessary, that the nature of the human is constantly limited by and through our abusive money system to such an extent that we can’t even meet ourselves coming or going thus time just drags on and on, thus, it’s TIME  to  STOP and SUPPORT EQUAL MONEY.

I commit myself to re-design myself according to what’s best for all in realizing that money does Not have to be the spark that inflames us where we become evil and greedy and irresponsible to those who are without it.

I commit myself to assist ourselves as a humanity to give to ourselves that which all other beings of life comprehend,  the gift of LIFE for each One with Equal Money.

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Day 172: Belittling Voices

Continuing here from: Day 171: Voices in my Head!

So, when my daughter called to ask me if I will stop on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs, I immediately reacted within myself and basically thrusted my inner reactions upon my physical world/reality/existence as I projected anger and spite through me as my physical body and all over anyone and everything within the path of me.

I mean, that’s how we are as our mind. It’s quite insane and our relationship to money keeps the insanity going, so much so that we don’t even stop to question why and how come we are what we accept and allow as our mind directing us?

There is definitely something going on here and it’s high time we sit our asses down, breathe and begin to understand why and how it is that we think, feel and act/behave the way we do.  Visit: Desteni I Process Lite and Learn Practical Life Skills Online Free!

Everything we are and every relationship we’ve ever had has been programmed into us, including Money, (Watch: Human Resources: Social Engineering In The 20th Century). So, I’m beginning to understand the seriousness of our life here on Earth.  How the ‘issue of money’ changes, shapes and guides me to the very core of my being. And, I am absolutely no longer willing to accept and allow myself to be the slave of my own mind with money as my living God all the while continuing down the same road paved in my own shit made from my own personal self-interest and greedy nature…

(Watch: Human Resources: Social Engineering In The 20th Century)
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how the very nature of who I am begins within the context of ‘what if‘s and ends within the context of fear of running out of money’, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed inner conflict within myself where when my daughter asked me to get her a pack of cigs, I saw myself fighting a losing battle, where within myself I was teetering between a negative reaction/experience  in fear of going without/self-interest, and a positive reactio/experience of wanting to validate myself within an idea of me as super mom/self-interest, all the while within my mind was this image/thought that resembled an expression I saw many times upon my own mother’s face years ago when I would ask her for money and she would respond: ‘it seems like you only come to see me when you need money’, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money as the force that drives me as my mind in the direction of and as energy experiences as thoughts, internal conversations/backchat and reactions of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character who is virtually my mother, meaning in how I move how she moved and I speak and express myself in and as the same fears as she spoke and expressed herself, even down to the point of how she overlooked the fact of how making money and having it, is, was and has always been considered as the most valid of All Human Motivation, in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a living expression of/as that which my mother suppressed the most as the fear of not being in control of and thus not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this energy within me that wants to strike back is in fact a force of energy as money within me as my mind where I become it as I continue to participate and support the multitude of nonsense and constant abuse within and as our current world/money system,  how as I become the energy that moves the voices in my head where I accept and allow myself to belittle people, where I’m spiteful, aggressive and tense towards another to the point of deliberately saying hurtful words at them – which always results in me taking a guilt trip where I try desperately to protect myself from having a negative experience by imagining myself as being ‘better than’- yet my aim to belittle another to make myself feel better within my mind as the get up and go to spark a positive experience for myself by boosting my ego leaves me ‘bitter within’ – while the real issue of self-interest, ego and greed as I have defined myself according to and exist as goes unnoticed and untouched and I remain unable to stand as a point of accountability, self-responsibility and stability for the role that I play in how I manifest, create and support our current world/money system.  I commit myself to stop, to breathe.

When and as I see myself within a situation where one of my children asks me to buy them something and/or to loan them money, I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that this is sore-spot, a point where I have overreacted and accepted and allowed inner conflict over and over – the same as fighting a losing battle where I continue to cover up/veil/camouflage the real issue – which is me facing me as good vs evil/,  the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other – not realizing that the conflict of self splitting self is merely me accepting who I am under the direction of the mind as consciousness which is always motivated in fear, self-interest and greed – thus, I commit myself to take a stand in self-honesty and common sense, to see, realize and understand that this is not about being good/bad and/or right and/or wrong, this is about what is BEST FOR ALL, and that all I can do is what I can do within this moment of breath in self-honesty, thus, if I’m able to assist then so be it – that there is never a cause for putting self-interest before all in the name of survival, profit and/or greed, and that spite and belittling is a bitter form of resistance to/of life itself, which keeps self from taking self-responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed within and as our world/reality/existence – that what matters is LIFE according to what’s BEST FOR ALL, therefore, I commit myself to walk in awareness in realizing that when it comes to matters of money, (which is entangled in everything and everyone), I must walk as the directive principle of me in and as diligence, self-accountability,  patience and stability in remaining self-honest and consistent in my application of support of the solution for LIFE as Equal Money.

Day 171: Voices in my Head!


I have some serious issues existing within me when it comes to money. It’s true, not only can I no longer deny it, I’m quite sick of it, literally. Here’s what gets me all riled up. My youngest daughter calls to ask me if I will stop tomorrow on my way to her house and pick her up a pack of cigs because she’s spending her last few dollars on some Tylenol for her daughter who’s suffering from allergies.

So, why did I react in a rather pissy tone of voice and practically hang up on her? Here’s the thing: I’ve not really spoken to her today, only early this morning.  So when she called and I realized her reason for calling was about money, I immediately heard this voice in my head that said: “she only calls when she wants something”, followed by a string like sentence of: “or when she needs something from me which coincidently requires spending and/or loaning her money”. And there is the point!

Money brings out the demonic voices in my head that I have long accepted and allowed as who I am. So much so that I become spiteful, resentful, hateful, stressful and obviously ‘full’ of all kinds of shit.

So, what the hell is really going on within me and why do I react? I already see how my reaction response time is slower than the process that is actually taking place within and as my mind, thus my reaction is so automated that I barely realize that I’ve completely missed the thought/image and imagination dimension as I skip to the beat of backchat and react where I literally become the voices in my head!

Money is the catalyst that accelerates the voices/backchat in my head and the reactions and so much more because I accept and allow it to. I make money my God and when I have money it makes me ‘feel’ like a God over others. It’s a rather sick egotistical trip within the religion of self.

I mean, when I stop and breathe, I realize that I don’t really care a rat’s ass about having to assist my children, however, that is Not what me as my Mind is saying!  Me as my mind is a greedy manipulator and I realize the importance of investigating and understanding how the mind function. Because obviously it’s directing US ALL the f***ing time and it’s time we direct ourself as our mind to see who we can be as a humanity in self-honesty.

I’ve walked the Journey of Life long enough to know that when I react in any way to anyone, I absolutely have to bring the point back to myself. Because how we act and who we become is ALWAYS ONLY ABOUT SELF!

In the blogs to come, I will continue to investigate how money is the tool we use to keep us enslaved to and as our mind as consciousness and thus enslaved to an abusive world/money system.

Day 161: The Child is Mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the words “the child is mine” over and over within my mind where the ‘idea’ of the child being mine became more important than who the child and I were together within our relationship with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself from the very moment my child was born to instantly become protective in how I believed his physical reality/world was suppose to feel and be to/for him and how I would attempt to manipulate and influence the very nature of who he would become and how within doing so, I never stopped to consider what I was taking away from him as an expression of who he really is free from the preprogramming of and as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to have unprotected sex and thus never considered the consequences of having a baby so young that when my son was born I didn’t even realize how terrified I was because suddenly, I had this small life before me and I didn’t even know how to be responsible for myself much less responsible for a baby, thus I ran from my fears and became busy, busy within my mind trying to make sense of life and busy at trying to make it look like on the outside that I was a good mom who knew what she was doing, while on the inside, I was lost, confused and trying to hide from the truth of me as the hopelessness I was running from, and within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my children to be molded into and as the characters/personalities  that I became day after day as I attempted to survive within this world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically insist that my belief in a God become the belief of my child where I never allowed my child the opportunity to question the belief which I would later realize was my way of avoiding taking responsibility for what I was willing to accept and allow within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to boost my own ego over the well being and the limited understanding that I had of the developing mind of my young son/child, where I didn’t consider what the act of ‘showing him off’ would have upon the nature of the characters/personalities that he would later become as a direct result of the role that I played as the pride in/as being a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and hope that my son will forgive me for the mistakes I made in raising him when the fact is, it is me that I am waiting for to forgive myself for because I regret the decisions and mistakes I made in raising my children because at the time all I could think of was how to get to the experience where I was having fun because I believed that was all that life was about.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the characters and personalities of and as my mind which have been passed down from generation to generation have never changed in that we continue our cycles of self-interest and greed and only think about how can we be happy and content and to hell with the world we’re giving to our children.

to be continued…

Day 160: When Anger Hurts

I just woke up from a dream in which I saw myself in anger so vividly that I had to get up and write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry in how as Americans we actually spend time talking about and believe that there is a Presidential candidate to pick from that will make a difference within our world – where an actual change will occur within our current world/money system. When we have clearly seen how 44 Presidents later and here we are, and not one has been able to bring an end to war or poverty and starvation, and that those atrocities, are not even the top 3 issues that we are concerned about resolving.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that instead of answering hard questions, like why do the majority of us continue to work our asses off to support the minority who have all the money, and why is it we’re alright with spending the evening hearing the same lies over and over about how things will change – when in fact, there is No real solution given that will actually assist to bring about real change – the kind of change that brings an end to all suffering.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I’m angry that money and whether we’ll have enough of it is always on our mind – so much so that we’ve become the human race, where the rules are that we must compete with each other to survive, and that’s all we do.

I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry for the mess we’ve made of our world, and how our children are the ones who will be left holding the bill, a debt they can never repay,  and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that we expect acts of bravery from our children when we’ve not a clue what it really means to be courageous – the kind of courage it takes to Stand up for and as All as One as Equal.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that I lied to my children when I said I believed in freedom when clearly the only free is in the dumbing down of those of us who work day in and day out only to be a paycheck away from homeless and hungry and,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

feel the shame in anger as I have witnessed the heartache of survival through the lives of those who have gone before me, where life is lived where one is either rich and getting richer, or poor and hoping to survive another day.  And,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how,

I am angry that as parents we have accepted a money system that doesn’t care if the newborn baby just born unto this world will have food, clean water, healthcare, an education, or even a home, because we’ve not taken the time to investigate the solution where Heaven on Earth can be a reality for us all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swell up inside myself in sorrow for the anger I see I’m existing as, and for how when I hear myself say the word anger,  I see how I have defined anger as that which I have come to ‘manage’, where within me, I store anger away so that I can continue to accept, allow and continue to support the existence of abuse within our current world/money system where the  rich profit off the suffering of the poor and how we actually tell ourselves that we’re ok with that.

Thus, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anger only hurts when we use it against ourself and each other, therefore, I commit myself to stop suppressing who I am as anger because I see, realize and understand that anger will assist me to direct myself in common sense according to and in support of a system where life is given honor in accordance to what’s best for all.

Day 159: The Dirty Little Secrets in Anger

For context read: Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why
Self-Commitment Statements to Stop who I am as anger

When and as I see myself existing within the energetic swirls of anger, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize and understand that any perception that I may have of being angry toward another is just a flat out illusion because in reality, I’m angry at myself,  and therefore it is vital that I breathe and investigate what’s going on within me that’s causing me to want to find fault in whoever it is that is next in line for me to blame for the bad experience I’m having of myself,  because the fact is, anger is like a ticking time bomb,, an accumulation of moments where I’ve suppressed, compounded and completely avoided taking self-responsibility for myself according to how and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to stop who I am as the dirty little secrets in anger because I see, realize and understand that anger is a cover up for the parts of me that exists in/as ego which manifest within this world as the horrors that I fear admitting I am a responsible for/as.

I commit myself to Stop anger as my path of preTense where I accept and allow tension to flow through me as my physical body while I pretend to be a survivor of and separate from the madness that exists within our world while I use anger as the tool to generate emotional conflict within myself which compounds into my flesh and bone as that which I’ve long ignored as it fuels the acceptance and allowance of who and what I exist as as who I am through and as the direction of and as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to show how anger is a direct reflection of what I hide in shame of in fear that I’ll be called on to claim my fame for how the inner me is mirrored as how the outer world represents me as all the while trying to convince myself that there is no way that I am directly responsible for the wars and greed that exist within and as the minds of men when in fact, I know that I cannot deny that I am responsible for how our world exists.

I commit myself to stop what I have denied as who I am as the reaction I become in/as guilt which I defend in/as anger because I fear the shame in admitting my denial because I see, realize and understand that that which I dish out is exactly what I will receive, and for the things that I accept and allow to happen unto another, I accept and allow to happen unto me thus, I commit myself to Never forget the mathematical equation within the principle of equality.

I commit myself to breathe and investigate who I am in/as anger, because I see, realize and understand that anger is an inner suppression based on blame, shame, regret, guilt and ego, where within myself I fear what I see I have accepted and allowed, where I have believed that I have the  inability to direct my life and take self-responsibility for the dishonesty that I’ve existed as – because within the secrets of my mind I use excuses to not see what it is that makes me unhappy and full of anxiety and thus, I constantly place responsibility on someone else, instead of standing up and directing myself to take responsibility for myself and every single living being, therefore, I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to support an Equal Money system which will support every living being according to what’s best for all.

Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as the anger I suppress in fear that I may become it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often feel incredibly angry and I don’t know why even though I realize the anger within me is me, yet I still resist and refuse to see who I am as it because I fear if I come face to face with me as the anger that I feel toward myself for what I’ve accepted and allowed that I will surely die of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within myself to see the starting point of why it is that I experience emotional waves of anger and then believe my own fear that if I go there and touch the anger that I will realize the truth of me, of what I have accepted and allowed and that I will lose myself forever.

I forgive myself for the fact that even as I sit here writing, exposing the anger I fear deep within me, that I can feel a hardening sensation as if a warning that says to me to stop, do not pass by this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as anger hang out within my mind in and as my past because in my past i was able to fool myself into believing that someday I could change the world, which is just another way for me to energize my ego and keep myself stuck in emotional games within and as the secrets of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I have practically lived in this world that I’ve made up where my entire  life has been about me making up fantasy worlds within my mind where the sole purpose has been to boost who I am as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a world where life is fun and everyone is safe and happy and then suddenly anger appears and I see how the picture perfect setting is missing life itself and I realize how I’ve always missed the gift that one gives to self when one forgives the dream and stands in and as the honesty of self to take self-responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that I am angry and I don’t know why when the fact is I have been in fear of who I am as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fooling myself into believing that living in fear of what others will think of me is easier that getting real with myself and facing who I really am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely pissed off at myself that I have spent my whole life completely ignorant to and abusive of that which allows me life as me as my physical body.

to be continued