Tag Archive | shame

Day 160: When Anger Hurts

I just woke up from a dream in which I saw myself in anger so vividly that I had to get up and write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry in how as Americans we actually spend time talking about and believe that there is a Presidential candidate to pick from that will make a difference within our world – where an actual change will occur within our current world/money system. When we have clearly seen how 44 Presidents later and here we are, and not one has been able to bring an end to war or poverty and starvation, and that those atrocities, are not even the top 3 issues that we are concerned about resolving.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that instead of answering hard questions, like why do the majority of us continue to work our asses off to support the minority who have all the money, and why is it we’re alright with spending the evening hearing the same lies over and over about how things will change – when in fact, there is No real solution given that will actually assist to bring about real change – the kind of change that brings an end to all suffering.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I’m angry that money and whether we’ll have enough of it is always on our mind – so much so that we’ve become the human race, where the rules are that we must compete with each other to survive, and that’s all we do.

I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry for the mess we’ve made of our world, and how our children are the ones who will be left holding the bill, a debt they can never repay,  and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that we expect acts of bravery from our children when we’ve not a clue what it really means to be courageous – the kind of courage it takes to Stand up for and as All as One as Equal.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that I lied to my children when I said I believed in freedom when clearly the only free is in the dumbing down of those of us who work day in and day out only to be a paycheck away from homeless and hungry and,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

feel the shame in anger as I have witnessed the heartache of survival through the lives of those who have gone before me, where life is lived where one is either rich and getting richer, or poor and hoping to survive another day.  And,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how,

I am angry that as parents we have accepted a money system that doesn’t care if the newborn baby just born unto this world will have food, clean water, healthcare, an education, or even a home, because we’ve not taken the time to investigate the solution where Heaven on Earth can be a reality for us all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swell up inside myself in sorrow for the anger I see I’m existing as, and for how when I hear myself say the word anger,  I see how I have defined anger as that which I have come to ‘manage’, where within me, I store anger away so that I can continue to accept, allow and continue to support the existence of abuse within our current world/money system where the  rich profit off the suffering of the poor and how we actually tell ourselves that we’re ok with that.

Thus, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anger only hurts when we use it against ourself and each other, therefore, I commit myself to stop suppressing who I am as anger because I see, realize and understand that anger will assist me to direct myself in common sense according to and in support of a system where life is given honor in accordance to what’s best for all.

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Day 159: The Dirty Little Secrets in Anger

For context read: Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why
Self-Commitment Statements to Stop who I am as anger

When and as I see myself existing within the energetic swirls of anger, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize and understand that any perception that I may have of being angry toward another is just a flat out illusion because in reality, I’m angry at myself,  and therefore it is vital that I breathe and investigate what’s going on within me that’s causing me to want to find fault in whoever it is that is next in line for me to blame for the bad experience I’m having of myself,  because the fact is, anger is like a ticking time bomb,, an accumulation of moments where I’ve suppressed, compounded and completely avoided taking self-responsibility for myself according to how and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to stop who I am as the dirty little secrets in anger because I see, realize and understand that anger is a cover up for the parts of me that exists in/as ego which manifest within this world as the horrors that I fear admitting I am a responsible for/as.

I commit myself to Stop anger as my path of preTense where I accept and allow tension to flow through me as my physical body while I pretend to be a survivor of and separate from the madness that exists within our world while I use anger as the tool to generate emotional conflict within myself which compounds into my flesh and bone as that which I’ve long ignored as it fuels the acceptance and allowance of who and what I exist as as who I am through and as the direction of and as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to show how anger is a direct reflection of what I hide in shame of in fear that I’ll be called on to claim my fame for how the inner me is mirrored as how the outer world represents me as all the while trying to convince myself that there is no way that I am directly responsible for the wars and greed that exist within and as the minds of men when in fact, I know that I cannot deny that I am responsible for how our world exists.

I commit myself to stop what I have denied as who I am as the reaction I become in/as guilt which I defend in/as anger because I fear the shame in admitting my denial because I see, realize and understand that that which I dish out is exactly what I will receive, and for the things that I accept and allow to happen unto another, I accept and allow to happen unto me thus, I commit myself to Never forget the mathematical equation within the principle of equality.

I commit myself to breathe and investigate who I am in/as anger, because I see, realize and understand that anger is an inner suppression based on blame, shame, regret, guilt and ego, where within myself I fear what I see I have accepted and allowed, where I have believed that I have the  inability to direct my life and take self-responsibility for the dishonesty that I’ve existed as – because within the secrets of my mind I use excuses to not see what it is that makes me unhappy and full of anxiety and thus, I constantly place responsibility on someone else, instead of standing up and directing myself to take responsibility for myself and every single living being, therefore, I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to support an Equal Money system which will support every living being according to what’s best for all.

Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as the anger I suppress in fear that I may become it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often feel incredibly angry and I don’t know why even though I realize the anger within me is me, yet I still resist and refuse to see who I am as it because I fear if I come face to face with me as the anger that I feel toward myself for what I’ve accepted and allowed that I will surely die of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within myself to see the starting point of why it is that I experience emotional waves of anger and then believe my own fear that if I go there and touch the anger that I will realize the truth of me, of what I have accepted and allowed and that I will lose myself forever.

I forgive myself for the fact that even as I sit here writing, exposing the anger I fear deep within me, that I can feel a hardening sensation as if a warning that says to me to stop, do not pass by this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as anger hang out within my mind in and as my past because in my past i was able to fool myself into believing that someday I could change the world, which is just another way for me to energize my ego and keep myself stuck in emotional games within and as the secrets of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I have practically lived in this world that I’ve made up where my entire  life has been about me making up fantasy worlds within my mind where the sole purpose has been to boost who I am as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a world where life is fun and everyone is safe and happy and then suddenly anger appears and I see how the picture perfect setting is missing life itself and I realize how I’ve always missed the gift that one gives to self when one forgives the dream and stands in and as the honesty of self to take self-responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that I am angry and I don’t know why when the fact is I have been in fear of who I am as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fooling myself into believing that living in fear of what others will think of me is easier that getting real with myself and facing who I really am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely pissed off at myself that I have spent my whole life completely ignorant to and abusive of that which allows me life as me as my physical body.

to be continued

Day 155: Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/believe/participate in and as the thoughts: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’ – six words that keep popping up within my mind following an image of me lowering my head and slightly rubbing my nose and pausing just as I’m sitting in front of the computer to write, where in that moment, I lose awareness of myself as breath and allowed myself to be distracted with the backchat in my head which caused me to reject myself, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in that moment within me, I was rejecting myself within the starting point of self-interest and unknowingly (when I slow myself down I realize what I’m doing) I would hide within myself from me and ultimately manifest intense pain within my physical body in my upper back region.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I manipulate myself where I justify my stuckness as unimportant and act as my own bad referee where I basically sideline myself, isolate myself, and literally remove myself from being the directive principle in self-honesty of and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I exist in and as resistance, my body language morphs into and as the resistance, where I cross my arms in defense and protection from others, and my right hand clutches my left hand,  basically, I hold a position of superiority while existing in and as inferiority, causing pain within my physical body, and lots of it, and secretly, I know within my mind that my physical body is showing me the tell-tale signs of my suppressed state, thus, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I slow myself down I am able to move beyond the point of resistance and thus stop the thoughts of and as my mind as the words saying to me: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’, because I see, realize and understand how the words are me and represent a point of acceptance of how in the past I’ve allowed myself to sink into and as a resistance which manifests and creates physical pain within and as my back, thus I commit myself to stop what I see, realize and understand is a point of resistance, a sort of blockage of emotions and feelings within and as my physical body,  I breathe, I earth myself here in becoming the directive principle of/as and for me in order to first change myself through self-honesty from the inside out to thus stop resistance, to thus begin to express myself as who I am, to give my all to me through gratefulness for and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the amount of self suppression I have existed as, because I see, realize and understand how this Day 155, of me walking the Journey to Life , I realize that I am only now getting started, therefore, I commit myself to see, realize and understand both the magnitude and the simplicity of making the decision to continue writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, because I comprehend how it is only through this Journey that I will ever come close to being who I am, as well as having the opportunity to possibly birth myself as Life from the Physical. I am grateful to/for me as my physical body for supporting me as I walk this Journey and support a World according to what’s best for All.

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Day 135: Teach Me2

Today I reacted to my 2 year old granddaughter, who actually teaches me more life skills in a 8 hour day than I may ever be able to teach her. Thus the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with my 2 year old granddaughter when she continued to push buttons on my computer / printer and for feeling guilty for her crying as I physically moved her from them, and within that, I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding how she looks to experience herself in how she sees me experiencing myself, thus, I forgive myself for rushing myself to finish, because in my rush I was participating within my mind which led to feelings of impatience and guilt, which I then projected onto her, instead of being there for her to explore her world with my assistance, therefore, I forgive myself for projecting the feelings / reactions that I was having onto her according to what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within and exist as, because, I see, realize and understand how my starting point was one of anxiety where I was avoiding facing a point of fear within myself, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it is Not possible for another to influence who I am unless I give permission, and any reaction/experience that I may or may not have is a direct reflection of my own inner relationship with myself according to what I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as through and as the direction of my mind, instead of me directing my mind as me according to what’s best for All . Thus, When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my granddaughter/others as myself, I stop. I commit myself to slow myself down and breathe, to look within myself at my starting point to assure that I no longer project onto another anything less than who I am in self-honesty as I continue walking my Journey to Life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I was hurrying to finish what I was doing , how within that, I, for a split moment, saw how I was giving myself different perceptions of myself whereas I experienced a subtle conversation within my mind which I didn’t stop, thus is how I within that moment, created a problem within my situation where there otherwise wasn’t one, therefore, I commit myself to breathe and realize that within every moment of breath I am the one who decides who I am , thus, through self-corrective application I direct myself to establish effective communication with my granddaughter/others within my world in order to be able to teach life skills – free from anxiety and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am rushing, that I manifest pain in the center of my back, which I see is a point of suppression related to self-judgment and, in how I was existing in anxiety and fear of letting other’s down within the ‘feeling’ that ‘I’m not good enough’ and/or strong enough to direct myself within my world, and within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed in myself for not being the living example of how and what it is to be supportive and patient with all living beings, thus, I commit myself to be patient and gentle with myself and others as myself, because I see, realize and understand that my responsibility for and as life is determined within every moment of breath as a living example of placing myself in the shoes of another, to thus become stable support for a world according to what’s best for All.

Day 122: InSIDE Hide

Once in awhile I experience pain around my left side, stomach/groin area which feels kind of like a pulled muscle, but that’s not what it is. I asked Anu for perspective about a month ago and he suggested it was a point of hiding, which made a lot of sense to me. I never investigated the point further, mostly because the pain hadn’t returned. Then today, the pain returned with a vengence. As I began to experience the pain – still in the same area of my physical body – I saw my hiding and I realized that I have always been aware of this point that I exist as, IF/WHEN, I will slow myself down and breathe, and welcome me in from hiding as who I really am as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within and as knowledge and information as energy within how I partipate within thoughts, internal conversations, reactions of and as emotions and feelings of/as positive, negative and the neutral of and as enegy experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who is insidious’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and thus hide within feelings of shame of existing within and as knowledge and information where I hide within what I’ve learned throughout my entire life, and within that how I allow guilt to accumulate from becoming that which I’ve learned to where I become consumed to the point where I elude any chance of ever becoming aquainted with myself, because as such, I’m escaping any understanding of myself within the perception of/as being that of a particular piece of knowledge and information and where within that I forbid myself to question the very nature of myself and thus my own answers elude me, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing how within my ‘insidious hideouts’, I manifest formations of guilt within and as a total memory/character recall of and as my mother – how I saw her reject her physical body in how she existed in hiding within and as fear as knowledge and information – where she would become so full of shame and guilt that she would punish her physical body through smoking and/or over eating – and how I have become and lived as that mind character of entrapment as well.

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the layers of my hide/flesh, I have remained unaware of how the very life substance is drained from me according to and through my participation within and as knowledge and information. Wherein every moment that I accept and allow myself to be and become separate from the words I speak of/as my mind as directed by consciousness within and as energies of/as reactions and feelings and emotions, how in that moment when I am more aware of a thought within my mind than I am of who I am within and as breath as my physical body, is the moment that I become accepting of myself as a system of/as abuse, greed, self-interest and death.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the inner mysteries of me as my physical body will continue to elude me until I slow down, breathe and become willing to commit myself to exploring and investigating myself from the inside out within self-honesty, no matter how ‘insidious’ who I am appears to be, for it is within my perception of ‘the ugly’ that I will release my perception of ‘the pretty’ – where the ‘insidious’ of and as that which I’ve come to accept as the perception of myself within and as self-interest exists only according to knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I am hiding within program manifestations of and as knowlendge and information that I am actually accepting and allowing me as my physical body to form strings of tension wherein I am actually forming patterns of degenerations within my physical body where I’m not breathing effectively and thus I manifest damage within and unto my internal organs and flesh creating pain within and as my physical body/flesh and bone.

I forgive myself for not realizing the degree of fear I have with regards to facing myself in self-honesty because I have hidden within knowledge and information in/as shame and guilt and believed that I was that.


I forgive myself for not realizing that I fear my perception that if I were to become completely self-honest that others may not like me, instead of realizing that it is only myself that I am actually fearing disappointing.

I commit myself to comprehending that the DIS in APPOINT only exists within and as the pain in ignoring the Point of Self within Forgiving self in/as Self-honesty.

I commit myself to let go of and forgive who I am as knowledge and information.

I commit myself to not fear and shame that which I’ve accepted and allowed as who I am and to instead forgive and realign and redesign myself through self-corrective application.

I commit myself to STOP imprinting my Physical body and Physical reality with my mind according to knowledge and information.

I commit myself to get to know the details and specifics of my Human Physical body equal to and one with who I am as my Human Physical body.

I commit myself to embrace who I am as my Physical body within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the actual real rebirth of Self as Life, can and will only manifest within and as Self-honesty, from within and as my Physical body and from and of this Physical existence, Thus, I commit myself to realizing that the actual rebirth of self as Life can and will only manifest within and as Self-honesty from within and as me as my Physical body and from and of this Physical existence.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Firstly the Person in the Journey to Life must become Equal to the Mind through being able to Not Participate in the Thoughts that Arise ALL the Time, and Be Here Breathing – before the Task can be taken on to Remove the Programs in the Flesh to such a degree that eventually the Flesh will be Purified and the Person will become, in fact, the Living Flesh – and be able to Have Any Relationship or form in the Flesh without it Being the Dominant Control as Consciousness, and the Person will be in Fact the Dominion of the Flesh, with the Flesh itself Determining in Every Breath the Actuality of Life Directed, and Be Here as Life – and thus at the Death, the Person will Cross the Divide as Life and Be Everywhere as Here, Always. In this it must be Realized How Time and Flesh Functions and that the Process of First becoming Equal to the Mind and Flesh before Directive Life will be here as Self, as Principle, as Equal, will take a minimum of 7 Years of Daily Application IN EVERY Breath, but more Likely take 14 years due to the Many Times that the Directive Will will Fall to the Current Dominion of the Programs that were allowed to Become the Flesh as the Physical Mind.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 117: The Right to Die

Tears of desperate locked-in syndrome sufferer Tony Nicklinson as High Court rules he CAN’T ask a doctor to end his life – –

The above article is about a 58-year-old father of two who is mentally sound but paralyzed from the neck down and unable to speak. For two years he’s been battling to persuade three judges of the High Court to rule that if and when he decides he wants to die, that doctors will be immune from prosecution if they help him to do so. Recently, he lost in his war for ‘the right’ to end his life.

His wife said her husband was ‘absolutely heartbroken’ because he’s been condemned by the law to ‘a life of increasing indignity and misery’.

It’s a strange thing to read, that someone is ‘fighting’ the laws of our current world/money system for the right to end one’s life so that they won’t have to suffer a life of ‘indignity and misery’. Because obviously, the laws of our current world/money system have already denied ‘the right for All to be able to live a life in dignity’ – where 30,000 plus children die a miserable death every single day from starvation.

Who the hell cares about their indignity and misery? They’re starving to death! They don’t have the luxury of a two year court battle to survive life.

There is something here we had better grasp – that how we experience ourselves within our world, is by our own creation as consciousness, which we agree to and manifest within our world accordingly.

Like it or not – we’re All responsible for how every single one of us experience life, whether that be through the suffering/misery resulting from having a stroke or the daily shocking statistics of 30,000 + children starving to death.

If there’s misery, pain, suffering, anguish and suppression amongst us, where one wishes they would die but are unable to – that is what it is as a direct result of our current world/money system. It’s time for us to realize that ALL challenges we face are according to what I / WE have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

The Question is – what have we accepted and allowed ourselves to become?

For Life on Earth to actually change – where No one suffers and every single life is given equal support and assistance according to individual needs – that require us to stop who we are in/as self-interest, ego and greed.

In order to provide effective life support according to what’s best for self, requires a system where we come together as a group, to take self-responsibility and support a world/money system according to what’s best for All.

There is ONLY ONE solution where peaceful change is possible, that is through an Equal Money System.

I commit myself to comprehend completely for myself to thus show how one cannot escape facing/forgiving self – because even in death self must take self-responsibility for Self as Life as All in All ways Equally.

I commit myself to Never stop supporting an Equal Money System which will provide All living beings with The Right to Experience LIFE in DIGNITY.

I commit myself to show how an Equal Money System will allow each one of us the ability to clarify and redefine ourselves through self-directed choices of/as self-responsibility for and as All Living beings.

I commit myself to show how with an Equal Money System, the Right of Life will give each individual being the right to exist in dignity in/as Heaven on Earth – where fighting to live and die will not be a battle nor even a QUESTion within the minds of men.

I commit myself to show how life within an Equal Money System will replace struggling to survive to that of Harmony Amongst Neighbors.

I commit myself to Life in Equality as Heaven on Earth wherein ego, greed and self-interest become obsolete as expressions.

I commit myself to Life in Equality as Heaven on Earth where Equal Money will pave the way for Peace and a Dignified Life for All.