Tag Archive | sad

Day 149: You hurt my feelings character

My son’s birthday was a few days ago. I wasn’t able to talk to him or see him and I told myself that I was ok with that. I lied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when I fear because I convinced myself it makes me ‘feel’ better when the fact is lying further suppresses within me that which I’m avoiding taking responsibility for.

The last words that my son said to me were: “you’re not my mom, you’re just a lady who gave birth to me”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I think about my son, I fear when I realize that I can’t talk to him and/or go see him, then I become angry and suppress my anger by becoming a character of ‘you hurt my feelings‘, and within that I forgive myself for how I’ve used the memory of our past argument as a defense mechanism which creates physical pain within me within the illusion of it all in how I’ve held in and on to the memory of his words as if they are jagged edged swords piercing deep within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how holding onto memories keeps me committed to the past and thus never evolving as a living being but only evolving within methods of protection to defend the memory/past within a definition of self as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have used my son’s words to create a character of and as my mind as the ‘you hurt my feelings’ character and as such I continue to walk and live the consequences of my own self-interest in believing that what has been done cannot be undone because I’ve reLIED upon and lived as those words through feelings and emotions which I’ve accepted and allowed to guide me into having experiences of myself accordingly and as such, I’ve not yet realized the extent that I myself have misused and abused the living word itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an image/picture within myself of myself of how to raise a child, when in fact. I didn’t know the first thing in how to prepare a child to care for themselves and/or their physical reality in order to guarantee a world ready and able to nourish and sustain life on earth into and as eternity according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as an image/picture to come up within me of when my son was a baby and how having him made me feel proud and on top of the world and how in that one moment I took for granted that I would/could be a great mom when in fact I wasn’t prepared to raise the baby/son and the man to be, yet, I held onto him as if he was a puppy that I could train to love me.

Sometimes, to make myself ‘feel’ better, I imagine everything between him and I is suddenly, magically alright.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself from what I perceive within my mind as a negative experience to then a positive one through imagining everything suddenly is alright between the two of us, when I see, realize and understand that this is how me as my mind has always justified my avoiding taking self-responsibility for myself and others as myself, because in doing so within my mind I never actually face myself and/or never walk any real change of myself into and as who I am within and as my physical reality.

I still have a strong feeling that says: “How dare you”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the kind of parent who reacts to my child within a matter of duty, as if my child owes me something for bringing him/her into this world and thus my actions demand respect,  when in fact,  I see the common sense in how as a parent I failed my children in that I took for granted that I knew and was teaching them what mattered most in life, such as love and God, when the truth is, I was only teaching them what was taught to me and what was taught to my parents,  and in self-honesty, I see, realize and understand how as parents we’ve not investigated our world for ourselves, thus we’ve been living knowledge and information and have not actually been prepared to teach our children how to become a responsible human being as one who recognizes and shares the understanding of the Equality of Life of and as all living beings and supports their world accordingly.

The last time I saw my son was a year ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret who I physically become within and as the ‘you hurt my feelings’ character wherein when I’m around my son I walk with my head slightly tilted to the right which I now see is how I walk when I’m in deep thought, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not moving myself in the way I really wanted to which was to physically embrace him within self-honesty and complete acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process within wants, desires and expectations of seeking to control others/my children in order for me to have and behave as that which I was seeking in self-interest.

When and as I see myself existing as the character of and as my mind of/as: ‘you hurt my feelings’, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that feelings manifest who I’ve become as characters/personalities, and that the only power that feelings and emotion have over me is the power that I give them through my participating in and as thoughts and energetic reactions of and as polarity experiences, thus I commit myself to stop patterns of taking a negative experience of myself to that of a positive one in order to justify the demons of who and how I have existed as within my past, therefore, I commit myself to stop who I am as the memory of the words that my son once said to me and I commit myself to purify into life the words we live by and as daily.

I commit myself to stop lying to myself and others as myself and to commit myself to stop walking my process within regret, guilt, wants, desires, energy and expectations.

I commit myself to show how through self-forgiveness one can let go the past and begin a process of healing self from the inside out which can and will manifest unto and as the world as self.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I cannot fully receive from anyone that which I’m not yet willing to give to all Equally.

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‎”Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth.” – Bernard Poolman

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Day 136: Fear Monster

Thursday evening
Sitting here to write, I got nothing. I know that’s not possible, and the fact that I’ve been in pain and somewhat sick, I know the most assistance I can give myself is to breathe and apply self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel’ out of sorts within myself, a sinking feeling emerging first from within my mind which I’m unable to identify until I feel it within solar plexus and then I know it’s fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how within my mind fear appears bigger than life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the expression of who I am within the fear of my own fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through fear participate in and as picture presentations of/as thoughts of/as hidden secrets and/or suppressed experiences and how within those, I have accepted and allowed myself to define them as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear of my own fear is larger than life and more powerful than me as who I am as my physical body to such a degree that through and as my participation in and as memories/thoughts I have manifested fear as an actual limitation which involves a manifested physical affect of/as pain within my center to upper back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every single thought that I have has an emotional feeling charge to it which resonates throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body through the act of participating in my thoughts thus being directed by and as them giving me as my mind the perception that it is larger than me as who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resonate the very systems of and as my mind in how I have defined them as me and at the same time have resonated my very living as my mind thoughout and within me as my human physical body thus manifesting separation and pain.

When and as I see myself watering the roots of fear of my own fear through participating in and as thoughts, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how through the act of thinking I expand the resonance of fear of my own fear throughout my physical body, flesh and bone.

I commit myself to breathe, to realize the patterns of my mind have become habits which I have accepted and allowed to inhabit me through cycles of time, where I have imprinted and conditioned me as my physical body to become them through the process of me as my mind, thus, I see, realize and understand there is actually nothing to fear and that I am quite capable of stopping myself and directing myself as my mind through self-corrective application with the assistance of myself as my physical body to walk the accumulation of myself in relation to living breath by breath in supporting self to become living support, to establish a world according to what’s best for All.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that FEAR is the Nature of the Game that Motivates me to Keep Moving as the Characters in the Game towards the Objective of the Game by Creating the other Side of the Coin of Fear as Love – Symbolizing the Circle of Life, Coined as a Choice of Opposites – yet, it is ONE Coin that ensures CONtrol so that I remain in my ROLE, following the control of the Energy of the Game which is Fear as the Totality of the HERE of the Game as the Only thing I can HEAR while playing the Game.” ~ Bernard Poolman