Tag Archive | sabotage

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

While I was sleeping the other night I had this dream, it had my mom in it. My mom passed away almost 11 years ago and after doing a Mother-Daughter Mind Construct through Desteni I Process some 2 years ago, I’ve not dreamt about her since. So this was interesting to have this dream because I rarely dream and so when I do, I’ve been able to use it to assist myself in my process. This particular dream assisted me to realize something while I was sleeping. Here‘s how:

In my dream, me and my mom were looking at stuffed animals, specifically stuffed animals that could electronically move which caused them to be especially ‘life like’. Now, when my mom was alive, she didn’t really care about owning a Real-Life dog or a cat, but she loved buying the toy like stuffed animals and would place them throughout her entire house.

It’s strange to look at this point with the memories of myself back then. I mean, at the time I was in love with how she collected so many knick-knacks, like stuffed animals and such. She created an environment that represented coziness and comfort for me within my mind. This was how I experienced myself in my dream,  I was Witness to how I was being comforted by my mom’s spending habits!  Comforted by the ‘things’ my mom collected. Her ‘pretty’s’ as she called them. For me, her collections, was like having one’s own game of thrones.

I saw how when I would walk into her house, I felt like the world wasn’t gonna eat me alive. I felt safe within the ‘idea in my mind‘ that ‘this is my mom’s house’, my home, and no matter how much I screw up/ fall, mom will always be here to pick up the pieces for me – to show me the way. As that, I didn’t know the first thing about taking responsibility for myself much less take responsibility for how our World exists.  When I investigate the ‘real’ relationship my mom and I had, it wasn’t anything like what my mind would have had me believe.

The reality was, my mom and I simply existed in personality designs as mother vs daughter. As we both got older, we found our place in each other through what we were both willing to accept and allow of ourselves  – the kind of acceptance where you hide within pretty words and pretty ideas, never looking deeper because you fear what you might see.  Our relationship had become a series of sweeping reality under the rug so to speak.  Never confronting the Reality of ourself and our world.  So for me this dream was All about showing me to myself and it was quite humbling,  because Everything about it was for me to see as an example of what it’s time to Let Go of.

Artwork By: Maya Harel
Equalmoney33Now this dream came about 10 days after Bernard Poolman‘s passing and it’s interesting because my relationship with Bernard had the obvious thing in common to the relationship I had with my mom in that, it brought me great comfort. Comfort in knowing Bernard Poolman was here and could always be depended upon.  I’d rather say that I didn’t make Bernard out to be a God, but, I kinda did.  I mean, he was the finest example of what a Human being can be as anyone I’ve ever been acquainted with.

So, to be clear, what I’m trying to say is, I see, realize and understand that there’s much to do here within our World. That what must be done here to make Life acceptable is more than any one human alone can accomplish. The fact is, it’s going to take us All to sort out all that we’ve accepted and allowed as what and how our World currently exist. I mean, thousands of children are starving daily and all we can think to do is to keep giving people tons of money to entertain us. That doesn’t make sense that a few should have everything while the majority have little to nothing.

This is what I realized while I was sleeping, that it’s time to Stand Responsible for the Relationship we have with Ourself and Each other.   To Stop living on time as emotions and feelings and reactions.  To Stop looking for Gods and Start Manifesting Heaven on Earth.

It’s time to support each other within the realization that this is our purpose for being here.  To come together and make sure Everyone has Everything they require for a Life of Dignity – that they’re able to Practically care for their Physical body and this Physical Reality.

We’ve got to Give to Humanity the Solution of What’s best for All and Replace our current Money System.

Let’s get it done…


“I commit myself to show that when the starting point is life equally respected in each other, the fundamental premise to give so that you may receive is immediately grasped to such an extent that irrational fear evaporates.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to restore the common sense trust in the physical reality that is the giver of life, to restore order in an irrational , illusory world of consciousness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to demonstrate the oneness interdependency between all parts of the physical realm that together form the body that is life through which we have been destroying the Earth, and our life will end and therefore we cannot continue to live as if we are separate of the real reality without permanent consequence.” Bernard Poolman


  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life


Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 128: Fear Factor

Today I became aware of how I was existing in fear as I was talking to and scheduling an upcoming appointment for myself. Thus the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for not realizing how through love and friendship I have created my own illusion of ‘feeling’ safe and happy – where momentarily, I perceive myself as no longer feeling alone and lonely – instead of realizing how I have accepted and allowed the perception of myself to willingly participate within energetic experiences where I believed myself as having lived a life that was happy, safe and fulfilled according to the illusion I created through love and friendships – how I failed to recognize that I sabotage myself through undermining the cause of/as who I am in hiding in shame of/as the fear of being alone and the fear of others, thus, I forgive myself that I have through and as memories/characters and personalities participated in/as thoughts within my mind, as well as internal conversations/backchat and energy experiences as reactions of emotions and feelings through my physical behaviors – which change in how I interact within my environment according to the people I come in contact with as I maintain a sense of survival within this word in how I’ve accepted and allowed Money to be the Number One motivating Fear Factor and, within that, I forgive myself for not realizing the extent of how I developed and maintained myself as Ego, Greed and Self-interest in order to reach a level of functionality, thus, I see, realize and understand how fear is the motivator within how and why our world exists as hell on earth and how and why I have chosen to ignore who/what I have existed as within my secret mind because as my mind, I feared change, because real change requires that I change from within, thus, I forgive myself for not being completely willing to give up that which I use as entertainment, which I use as a way of avoiding facing my responsibility in how our world exists, and I see how I have existed within resistance to change because I didn’t want to upset the character I perceived myself to be even as I see the cords of slavery dangling within the discord of and as life, and within that, I forgive myself for not realizing how I have blamed, judged and projected myself in/as the characters of/as my mind onto others to reinforce the fear within me as them being the reason for my constant internal fear of loss, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing how all separation is fear of loss and is what keeps us enslaved to/as the direction of/as our mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to stop existing in fear of loss and for how I’ve used fear to become characters and personalities to take on roles of falling in love and friendships to boost me as ego in order to further fuel my own illusion, to avoid facing me within what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist according to the abuse within and as our current world/money system – thus, I commit myself to breathe and stand in Support of an Equal Money system, to assist us to Support Each other to see, realize and understand that fear only exists when we are participating within and as it as our mind as consciousness.

I Commit myself to walk in self-honesty, to unravel who I am within the totality of and as my mind as consciousness – to stop manifesting more and more of the mess we exist within, as fears and dishonesties – to be responsible for how the world/money systems of this world exist as and to Stand up and Change me through self-corrective application, to thus support a system which supports a World according to what’s best for All.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Enlightenment is the Justification Used to Protect the Greed of Happiness as a Value that Must Be Pursued Regardless of Conditions Caused By the World System, because the Enlightened Make themselves Believe that the Physical World is an Illusion, But the Enlightened will Not Test their theory through Embracing Poverty by Living WITHOUT Money, and In fact Do Just the OPPOSITE and Focus on Accumulating More Money to Protect themselves Against the REALITY of Poverty.” Bernard Poolman

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that FORGIVENESS is a Gift Given to Self to bring an END to the Illusion of a MINDSELF that is a Self Created Illusion, as Energy Presented as THOUGHTS, Feelings, and Emotions.” Bernard Poolman

Day 102: Playing the Somebody Done Me Wrong Song

When I find myself reacting as I did this evening, where I experience backchat/thoughts within the perception that someone isn’t ‘acting’ right and/or they aren’t ‘communicating’ effectively with me (which is what I tend to project onto my partner), I see how I ‘automatically’ throw my hands in the air and say out loud, ‘I’m Done‘, and/or I will remain quiet, but within my mind, I will play out the act of throwing my hands in the air and saying ‘I’m Done’!

This character is how I sabotage myself into believing that I am the victim and then it’s as if I can here the song playing – ‘somebody done me wrong’ – within that I will give myself permission to withdraw into myself and pout.

What is really going on within me when I accept and allow myself to act/behave/become this character, is that I’m actually giving up on my relationship with myself. I let me as my mind as consciousness direct me instead of me facing myself in self-honesty and stopping how and what I’m accepting and allowing and participating within and as. Thus, I project the outflow of emotions from my participation onto whoever is in the path of my self-sabotage, which is usually my partner. This cause to withdraw is one of many lines of dance which I use to separate me from who I am as my physical body within and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within the belief that when I don’t get my way that I am the victim to somebody doing me wrong, therefore, I will withdraw into myself and hide, pout, shut down and blame another (my partner) as being the reason for why I have the ‘right’ to sit and stew in and as my mind and stop participating within what’s real as our physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep score within polarity emotion/feeling energies of negative and positive – where when I’m having a negative experience of myself I will look to my partner to fix me by giving me attention and/or communicating with me in a way that will assist me to have a positive experience of myself and, if my partner doesn’t assist me in changing my experience of myself, I will blame him as not communicating and/or acting right and, if he doesn’t respond again, I will play my song of somebody done me wrong and will withdraw within myself in silence, as if to punish my partner when what I’m actually doing is accepting and allowing me as my mind as consciousness as memories/characters/personalities/thoughts and emotions and feelings to rule who I am, and within that, I am suppressing and manifesting pain, illness and disease within and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is only me that I am ever actually having a relationship with in and as my mind and, until and when I forgive, correct and become a living example of self-responsibility in/as self-honesty to/as all life here, I will be unable to have an effective relationship/agreement within anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and love from others when I’ve never been willing to slow down, breathe, validate and love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mind set that effective communication within a relationship requires a proper/predetermined beginning and an end, just like a pre-scheduled program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forsake me as my physical body when I go off on energetic binges within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and within that anger, not realize that the reason for my anger is because within me I am screaming out for me to hear myself in self-honesty, and to thus stop accepting and allowing myself to support our current world/money system of/as war, poverty and starvation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that how our world exists can only change when change begins first within myself.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing the ‘somebody done me wrong song’ and, to stop demanding another to take responsibility for who I am within what I accept and allow and exist as within our world/reality/existence.

I commit myself to stop the character of self-sabotage.

I commit myself to stop myself playing polarity games of negative/positive and neutrality.

I commit myself to stop self-interest in/as memories/characters/personalities/thoughts and emotions and feelings

I commit myself to prove to myself what is means to be truly supportive for and as me as my physical body.

I commit myself to never give up on life, to slow myself down, breathe, validate and love myself within and as self-honesty in total commitment to support a world according to what’s best for All.