Tag Archive | puppy love

Day 269: Owner of a Broken Heart?

I was flipping the television channels when I saw a glimpse of a girl from a soap opera – I don’t watch the soap opera but nonetheless her face reminded me of me – it triggered a memory of an experience that I had not long after my 16th birthday.

The thought process that was triggered led me into thinking how ‘this thing’ that happened to me,  was my first time at being the owner of a broken heart.  Now, there have been a few times throughout my life when I referred to myself as being broken hearted, and since to my mind I’ve placed importance in the idea of having had my heart broken,  it’s thus best, if I investigate to see what’s really going on so I can forgive myself.

So this particular time, was when I was 16, which was when I made the decision to have sex for my first time with this guy that I had been dating and making out with heavily for almost a year. Even now I can for a moment access the energy as I remember my thoughts / backchat back then which was leading and influencing my decision, because in my mind,  I would replay the energy of our nightly and lengthy make out sessions over and over.

Immediately after we had sex that first time, my mind began to freak out a little with questions like:  what if the condom breaks and what if I get pregnant? If I got pregnant I didn’t know how I would face my mom, so after a couple of more times of having sex after the first time, I told this guy – who my ‘freedom’ as a teenager greatly depended upon at this time because my parents trusted him – I told him that I just couldn’t have sex with him anymore for awhile because I was scared I’d get pregnant.  I remember he looked right into my eyes as he smiled and said ‘hey, no problem’.   I remember thinking how great it was to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend.

shattering reflections of me

A week later, I heard it from a friend that heard it from a friend – yes really!  That he was messing around, with a woman that was 10 years older than him!, (he was 21).  I remember that day like it was yesterday… I was sixteen with a drivers license but no car, and I needed to get to my boyfriends apartment and fix how I was feeling.  He lived about 5 blocks from me so I got on my 10 speed bike and cried the entire time as I rode it to his place.

It was early spring and I remember thinking in the midst of my crying and pedaling, how it was to beautiful of a day to feel like I was feeling, which was sad, lonely and angry.   He wasn’t home when I got there and it didn’t matter because it was my experience within those first moments – when something changes the nature of the relationship in a way where you know it’ll never be the same – it was in that moment that my definition of how love has to do with being ‘the owner of a broken heart’, came to be.  Within that single moment I became acquainted with what love and betrayal ‘feels’ like and I ‘thought’ my world had just crashed before me all because I was having a negative experience of myself.   It’s these such momemts that I let energy in and in doing so I allow harm to my physical body and thus my physical world/reality.

So I must look realistically at such a moment, in how dramatic I made the whole thing out to be.  Here one can see the extent of self interest because with ALL the atrocities that exist within our world, like poverty, war and starvation, we’re broken hearted over what we refer to as hurt feelings…

It is here that I see my dependency on the ‘energetic experience’, where I take myself from hot to cold with positive and negative experiences from love to the extreme opposite, as anger – all for the energy of it, for my mind as consciousness to use my physical body to fuel itself…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my anger through acts of love, peace and even gentleness, where I may behave happy, joyful, gladdened and/or appear physically calm, composed or tranquil even as I’m suppressing myself within and as the energy of love and anger to fuel who I am as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to within every moment breathe and face and forgive who I am as anger.

commit myself to show myself who I am free from energetic experiences and to provide adequate care for my physical body first and foremost.

I commit myself to Stop pretending to be an automation of myself as a character of anger and suppression – because I see, realize and understand that behaving and becoming a reactive pattern of love and anger is and have always been my way of avoiding facing and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to facing all the moments wherein my life I referred to and/or defined myself as being the owner of a broken heart because I see, realize and understand that investigating, understanding and forgiving these points will bring about an awareness of self, a clarity – an end to anger.

Become Someone You’re Satisfied With

Begin Desteni I Process

A Great Read:  Day 564 The Decision to Self-Investigate

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Day 161: The Child is Mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the words “the child is mine” over and over within my mind where the ‘idea’ of the child being mine became more important than who the child and I were together within our relationship with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself from the very moment my child was born to instantly become protective in how I believed his physical reality/world was suppose to feel and be to/for him and how I would attempt to manipulate and influence the very nature of who he would become and how within doing so, I never stopped to consider what I was taking away from him as an expression of who he really is free from the preprogramming of and as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to have unprotected sex and thus never considered the consequences of having a baby so young that when my son was born I didn’t even realize how terrified I was because suddenly, I had this small life before me and I didn’t even know how to be responsible for myself much less responsible for a baby, thus I ran from my fears and became busy, busy within my mind trying to make sense of life and busy at trying to make it look like on the outside that I was a good mom who knew what she was doing, while on the inside, I was lost, confused and trying to hide from the truth of me as the hopelessness I was running from, and within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my children to be molded into and as the characters/personalities  that I became day after day as I attempted to survive within this world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically insist that my belief in a God become the belief of my child where I never allowed my child the opportunity to question the belief which I would later realize was my way of avoiding taking responsibility for what I was willing to accept and allow within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to boost my own ego over the well being and the limited understanding that I had of the developing mind of my young son/child, where I didn’t consider what the act of ‘showing him off’ would have upon the nature of the characters/personalities that he would later become as a direct result of the role that I played as the pride in/as being a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and hope that my son will forgive me for the mistakes I made in raising him when the fact is, it is me that I am waiting for to forgive myself for because I regret the decisions and mistakes I made in raising my children because at the time all I could think of was how to get to the experience where I was having fun because I believed that was all that life was about.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the characters and personalities of and as my mind which have been passed down from generation to generation have never changed in that we continue our cycles of self-interest and greed and only think about how can we be happy and content and to hell with the world we’re giving to our children.

to be continued…

Day 149: You hurt my feelings character

My son’s birthday was a few days ago. I wasn’t able to talk to him or see him and I told myself that I was ok with that. I lied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when I fear because I convinced myself it makes me ‘feel’ better when the fact is lying further suppresses within me that which I’m avoiding taking responsibility for.

The last words that my son said to me were: “you’re not my mom, you’re just a lady who gave birth to me”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I think about my son, I fear when I realize that I can’t talk to him and/or go see him, then I become angry and suppress my anger by becoming a character of ‘you hurt my feelings‘, and within that I forgive myself for how I’ve used the memory of our past argument as a defense mechanism which creates physical pain within me within the illusion of it all in how I’ve held in and on to the memory of his words as if they are jagged edged swords piercing deep within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how holding onto memories keeps me committed to the past and thus never evolving as a living being but only evolving within methods of protection to defend the memory/past within a definition of self as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have used my son’s words to create a character of and as my mind as the ‘you hurt my feelings’ character and as such I continue to walk and live the consequences of my own self-interest in believing that what has been done cannot be undone because I’ve reLIED upon and lived as those words through feelings and emotions which I’ve accepted and allowed to guide me into having experiences of myself accordingly and as such, I’ve not yet realized the extent that I myself have misused and abused the living word itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an image/picture within myself of myself of how to raise a child, when in fact. I didn’t know the first thing in how to prepare a child to care for themselves and/or their physical reality in order to guarantee a world ready and able to nourish and sustain life on earth into and as eternity according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as an image/picture to come up within me of when my son was a baby and how having him made me feel proud and on top of the world and how in that one moment I took for granted that I would/could be a great mom when in fact I wasn’t prepared to raise the baby/son and the man to be, yet, I held onto him as if he was a puppy that I could train to love me.

Sometimes, to make myself ‘feel’ better, I imagine everything between him and I is suddenly, magically alright.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself from what I perceive within my mind as a negative experience to then a positive one through imagining everything suddenly is alright between the two of us, when I see, realize and understand that this is how me as my mind has always justified my avoiding taking self-responsibility for myself and others as myself, because in doing so within my mind I never actually face myself and/or never walk any real change of myself into and as who I am within and as my physical reality.

I still have a strong feeling that says: “How dare you”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the kind of parent who reacts to my child within a matter of duty, as if my child owes me something for bringing him/her into this world and thus my actions demand respect,  when in fact,  I see the common sense in how as a parent I failed my children in that I took for granted that I knew and was teaching them what mattered most in life, such as love and God, when the truth is, I was only teaching them what was taught to me and what was taught to my parents,  and in self-honesty, I see, realize and understand how as parents we’ve not investigated our world for ourselves, thus we’ve been living knowledge and information and have not actually been prepared to teach our children how to become a responsible human being as one who recognizes and shares the understanding of the Equality of Life of and as all living beings and supports their world accordingly.

The last time I saw my son was a year ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret who I physically become within and as the ‘you hurt my feelings’ character wherein when I’m around my son I walk with my head slightly tilted to the right which I now see is how I walk when I’m in deep thought, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not moving myself in the way I really wanted to which was to physically embrace him within self-honesty and complete acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process within wants, desires and expectations of seeking to control others/my children in order for me to have and behave as that which I was seeking in self-interest.

When and as I see myself existing as the character of and as my mind of/as: ‘you hurt my feelings’, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that feelings manifest who I’ve become as characters/personalities, and that the only power that feelings and emotion have over me is the power that I give them through my participating in and as thoughts and energetic reactions of and as polarity experiences, thus I commit myself to stop patterns of taking a negative experience of myself to that of a positive one in order to justify the demons of who and how I have existed as within my past, therefore, I commit myself to stop who I am as the memory of the words that my son once said to me and I commit myself to purify into life the words we live by and as daily.

I commit myself to stop lying to myself and others as myself and to commit myself to stop walking my process within regret, guilt, wants, desires, energy and expectations.

I commit myself to show how through self-forgiveness one can let go the past and begin a process of healing self from the inside out which can and will manifest unto and as the world as self.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I cannot fully receive from anyone that which I’m not yet willing to give to all Equally.

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‎”Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth.” – Bernard Poolman