The television was on for a moment this evening, and as I walked past it, I noticed the show ‘American Idol’ was on, and there was this guy standing there singing. I immediately saw a thought come up within me which was, ‘he looks just like a guy named Wes I made out with a few times when I was 19!’ The way the guy moved his legs and feet – in a slow shuffling manner – how he slightly closed his eyes as he sung, his hair, the way he smiled a devilish grin – everything about his movement and behavior triggered familiar feelings of my encounter and desire for a guy named Wes from a past/memory/experience of myself from a long, long, long time ago.
Instantaneously, I had internal conversation, and emotion/feeling reactions as backchat, which was like,,,’wow, I can’t believe how much he looks like Wes’, and, ‘damn I should have slept with that guy (Wes)when I had the chance’.
I saw how the desire that was coming up from within me, was like an old friend that hadn’t visited in awhile and, for a moment, I didn’t want to walk away from what was an oddly appropriately fixed feeling reaction within the idolizing of a past memory-based experience toward someone I was seeing on television that I’d never physically met, and, there was within me a pressing need, a wanting to touch, feel and press my body up against his.
I actually began to see a physical change within myself. My heartbeat and my breathing increased and I saw how I had moved my right hand up to my mouth and I was slightly nibbling on the nail of my right index finger! I was slightly moving my hips and pelvic back and forth, up and in and then back, and, I was standing up straighter and my breasts/chest was perched upward highter than they normally are. There was also slight a sensation of arousal in my solar plexus and pelvic area. Whoa! I stopped that shit. I breathed.
All I wanted to do was to shake that shit hold off of me. Why participate in the mind in something that isn’t real, never was real and depletes our physical body from it’s life giving abilities? No way. I’d rather touch, feel and press my body up close and personal with my partner here within what’s real, thank you very much!
And – the whole damn memory-thought based mind construct – from the beginning first thought, happened faster than I could write it out here for myself to see. No wonder we’re so fucked! There is no doubt – our mind as consciousness is a sophisticated, well lubricated machine – and is one that we better learn to direct in self-honesty – so we can actually walk for real as masters of our domain, so to speak — because at the moment – we are not the masters of our domain – the mind as consciousness is. Clearly No matter what the deSIRE – the experience of desire is of the mind as consciousness, and must be stopped. Desteni I Process is assisting me with just such points as well as self-forgiveness…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as shameful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sexual experiences in my secret mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid being intimate with me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that in judging sex I am judging me.
I forgive myself for all the times that I’ve shamed myself into having sex in order to please and bribe a man to stay and never leave me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body must be the picture perfect presentation in order for me to express myself as me one and equal to and as my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must fantasize and/or exist in desire towards another in order to express myself in enjoying me as my physical body – instead of realizing there are no rules — we can caress, lick, kiss, suck and touch in any manner our breath moves us is pleasing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mindset that says the female must limit her aggressiveness – instead of realizing myself free from labels existent as thoughts, feelings, emotions/reactions and Money.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed a money system where woman are prostituted by men with money and judged by women who are influenced by men with money – instead of realizing that women hold the power to Direct, Change, and bring forth the Solution as Equality to/for and as All as One as Equal.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self intimacy is the key of me in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish and hope and desire to be swept off my feet by a younger attractive man which I have in the past pictured in my mind as being, ‘The One’.
I forgive myself for taking so long to see, realize and understand that CONsciousness is a Life Defying act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire of lust which is the minds way of wetting our appetite because the mind yearns in fear of losing it’s quest in it’s lust for power and requires our participation to sustain itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions and desires believing that I require and need another separate from me to come and fill me up – instead of realizing there is nothing to fill up except the mind as consciousness which through participation acts as fuel to continue sucking the life out of our physical body and as such our physical earth.
I Stop. I breathe. I direct me here in self-honesty in and as an agreement with myself to commit myself to support me as my physical body to walk according to a principle of equality where life is birthed here from the physical within and as a world/earth that is best for all in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into a relationship within the starting point of sexual attraction and/or love and thus have supported separation and dependency.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as having power according to sex and sexuality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing how sex and relationships currently exists within this world in supporting the current mind system/world system/money system – instead of two human beings coming together in agreement, one and equal where self is self expression wherein they assist and support each other to remain here within and as self-honesty and not accepting/allowing anything less than who they really are as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for the arousal I experienced as an energetic reaction within and as my unconscious mind through seeing with my human physical eyes wherein my mind connected with what I saw and thus my mind sought to experience the arousal as energy to exist in order to further enslave, control, direct, abuse and abdicate life itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the mind, and so have existed as the abused and the abuser wherein through visualization I have masturbated to porno/pictures/thoughts/feelings and emotions which manifests abuse within this world such as child abuse and rape.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex is self nurturing instead of realizing that, ‘I am self nurturing‘.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require an experience of myself as anything other than who I am as me in this moment.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to express me as who I am capable of becoming in every moment of breath within and as oneness and equality as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have refused to accept and allow myself to see, realize and understand how in acts of participation in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions/reactions I am creating abuse and horror existent within this world as a manifested reflection/consequence of dishonesty existing in me. I stop. I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have refused to accept and allow myself to see, realize and understand that through and as acts of fear I manifest and create fear within and as this world.
i commit myself to see, realize and understand that my reactions to images reflect to me that I have abdicated my responsibility of giving life as I have received life.
I commit myself to dedicate myself to the only choice that I can freely make which is best for all life as the living word which is to stop and face me in self-honesty and embrace life through living myself in agreement and according to and as all as one as equal.
I commit myself to myself as I identify and establish solutions within my relationships with/as all that I will stand as a living example to identifying and establishing solutions within and as the functioning/existing of this World-System of Money to bring about an Equal Money System in bringing about Heaven on Earth.
I commit myself to take responsibility for all creations whether directly or indirectly allowed and created by me as I realize that regardless of whom create what, I am here part of this creation of words and am sentenced by my sentences and a convict of my convictions. I will no longer allow myself to be directed by faith as I understand that the practical meaning of faith is that when I walk as the living word as flesh, all relationships that follow will eventually respond in ways that is best for all life and thus this certainty in action to walk till it is done is me as dedication to life as the living flesh as the word faith. I will not wait for the illusions that is not of this world of flesh which I have mistakenly given values to through the mis-creation of faith without proven outcomes here as flesh.
I commit myself to dedicate myself to the only choice I can freely make namely that which is best for all life as the living word as that is the only choice that will not produce some influence of fear and in that choice I am free and thus create the same freedom for all to embrace once they have relinquished the fear they have embodied as flesh and see the simplicity of the living word when all are equal creators of the word with meaning that supports life equal in every way. – Bernard Poolman
I commit myself to the process of walking the above words til I have walked them equally as me as them.