Tag Archive | pregnant

Day 217: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Day 2

For Context Read:

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 214: Touch it

Day 215: The results show

Day 216: A Means to an end

Here I’m continuing to share my daily experience as I walk  this the 2nd day after hearing the words:  ‘it’s cancer’.

There’s no room for pretending, a part of me wants to crawl in bed and hide under the covers, but there’s nowhere to escape the Beast I’m facing,  the ‘Beast being Breast Cancer’.
processing00  The frightening thing about the Beast is the knowledge of it within my mind.  The fear in realizing myself within a life threatening condition which is surrounding me all the time.

And, I mean, I don’t ‘feel sick’, but I can tell that within my mind, it’s preprogrammed to go into ‘Survival Mode’, which is actually a fear of being sick or rather the avoidance of facing the fact that this may kill me – man,  when the reality of that hits me, the fear sweeps in like a giant force of light and heat seems to engulf me.    For a moment it feels like more than I can bear.

I’ve also noticed some physical symptoms of anxiety that’s been manifesting nausea in the pit of my stomach.  Earlier I experienced myself as mentally exhausted where my eyes became heavy and I pushed through the idea of taking a nap through breathing.  Fortunately my granddaughter assists me by getting my attention to help me to remember to breathe and keep it simple.

I’m sure this is part of the process – the process where my mind is making peace with the shock of the thought, ‘I have cancer’…

A couple of times today, I caught myself wanting to participate in a memory of myself where my whole family was at a birthday party.  It’s a memory of when my mom, my brother and my sister were still alive,  and the memory of it, damn it comforts me.

But I mean every memory provides a sort of comfort especially because the time frame of the memories are of course before 2 days ago – before I heard the words ‘it’s cancer’.   Wow, it’s a hell of a trip….

So basically, my mind wants to freak out and so ‘as my mind I’m attempting to maintain some sense of control’ – searching for a memory to try and make myself believe I’m in control of my world – when all I’m really doing is replacing a negative energy experience of myself with a positive one.

I’ve been able to determine that participating in such – replacing a negative energetic experience with a positive one – creates a multitude of possible consequences within and as our physical body – which creates more anxiety, and I can see this as my physical body will become stiff and unmovable and where I’m not breathing properly…

So yeah, it’s my own grieving process and already I’m seeing my mind attempt to pre-judge my past decision making and my ability to take self-responsibility.  So as was suggested to me by Bernard, I’m not going to allow myself to pre-judge anything.

beast

I remembered something today that I had wrote down that Mykey says in an Eqafe interview which is really a cool perspective:

“Consciusness can only possess you with that which you are Not aware of, that which you have Not taken responsibility for and/or,  with that which you’re not Standing equal to and one with.” Mykey, Demons in the Afterlife

Ok, it’s getting late,  I will continue to investigate how and why my mind as Consciousness wants, above everything else,  safety from the Beast.

 

Artwork by Scott Cook

Designed for the series: Demons in the Afterlife

Day 216: A Means to an end

For Context Read:

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 214: Touch it

Day 215: The results show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access a negative energy experience of nausea when I think about having cancer within and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative energy experience of impending doom – where within me as my physical body I experience a sudden case of the chills, like I’ve suffered a shock to my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the little girl who dreamt a childhood dream of living happily ever after because I see, realize and understand how within our world happily ever after exists only within our mind as it’s only Money that buys happiness as a means to an end.

childhood dream
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teeter from accessing a negative energy experience to a positive energy experience and from there experience an energy experience of Que será, será or ‘what ever will be will be’, because I see, realize and understand that energetic polarity equations and harmful and destructive unto my physical body/physical world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate myself as having a negative energy experience of fatigue and according to the worst possible outcome, such as having an advanced stage of breast cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and internal conversations like, ‘when I’m gone who’s going to miss me’, because I see, realize and understand that that is a reaction of my mind as consciousness attempting to gain some sense of control for feeling out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in curiosity through desire in search for comfort through reading/knowledge and information about breast cancer and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself according to a ‘means to an end attitude’, meaning the purpose of my actions were for the sole purpose of achieving something in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having radiation and/or chemotherapy treatments where I have said that I would never allow myself to do that to my physical body, when the fact is me as my ego believed that I was to good/superior for something like cancer to happen to me, religion of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the projection of the future life that I thought I had planned out carefully for my partner and I, where I imagined us spending every day enjoying ourselves while we grow old together when the fact is, that dream always scared the hell out of me because I’ve always feared growing old and ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pity to manipulate myself into ignoring me as my physical body and thus have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself through self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my life according to equations of time, love, money and debt instead of life within every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-interest to be the loudest sound within me.

I commit myself to dedicate myself stop self-interest through investigating and educating myself to the ways of how our current world/money systems function, to further my ability to understand what it really means to give and we would like to receive.

I commit myself stop living my life with a ‘means to an end’ attitude, to instead direct myself and my decisions, as who I am, according to what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself accessing a negative energy experience where I anticipate the worst possible outcome for surviving cancer – I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that to anticipate the worst possible outcome is creating an energetic experience out of something that in this moment doesn’t exist.

I commit myself to stop participating in backchat and internal conversations where I imagine myself looking like the pictures I’ve seen of woman fighting breast cancer and I see, realize and understand that I have no way of knowing for sure exactly what outcome to expect and thus I commit myself to stop expecting and breathe.

When and as I see myself go into an negative experience where I experience myself within a self-defined feeling of impending doom, where within me as my physical body I experience sudden chills like being in a slight state of shock – I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to stop participating in a thought/image that flashes through my mind of women ‘fighting to survive’ breast cancer and to see, realize and understand that the thousands of photos, advertisements and images within my mind are a reminder for me to see what I have accepted and allowed to exist as accumulated consequences within myself and our money/world systems, thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe and realize that I do not have to have the answers for tomorrow today, all that is required is to breathe.

Day 215: The results show

 

 

“When and as I see myself access a negative energy experience when I feel nausea come up – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am anticipating an ‘unpleasant’ experience and within that already instill an experience of unpleasantness before anything has even happened and so I commit myself to stop and let go of the thought, ground myself within and my human physical body in breath.” Leila Zamora Moreno

Artwork By: Niklas Nydahl
diplite free
I was reading the Blog: Journey to a New Life – An Expecting Mother, Day 08: My Body is now My Own – Part 3, and when I read what Leila wrote, it was the perfect assistance for me regarding a similar point where I’ve been accessing a negative energy experience due to the biopsy results I received earlier today.

Hearing the words: ‘it’s cancer‘, sent an immediate rush of heat throughout my face and my entire body.   Like, suddenly, my world, just kind of, crashed.   I sensed myself being whisked into an energetic whirlwind within my mind of thoughts/images and oh, the fear…

I sat there and suddenly realized I hadn’t heard the last three words the nurse had said and that’s when I finally stopped myself and focused on my breathing.

I asked the nurse if she could repeat the last thing she had said and she continued on talking without skipping a beat. She said the next step is to schedule an MRI and make an appointment with a surgeon. It’s only after those appt.  will we be able to determine the necessary steps and/or what the treatment will be.  Her voice was slightly upbeat as she talked in-script to what seemed to have been gone over with with a fine tooth comb…

It blew mind yet, it was interesting because I was well aware of how part of me as my mind wanted to just freak the hell out, but then I breathed, and suddenly, I became aware of myself as able to Stop participating in the Fear.  I cried a couple of times when I was alone, and I know that I’m still holding myself back.  But the truth is, when I stop my mind and breathe, I”m able to release the hold of fear.

So, this will be a process and I’m very grateful that I’ve been walking the Journey to Life, the 7 Year Process with Desteni  because I realize how I’ve gently guided myself to this very moment within me,  to take Self-Responsibilityfor myself as all as one as equal.

Ok, so again,  I’ll be sharing more about this from time to time.  Even now, I see that my mind is looking to knowledge for comfort which triggers me to teeter between positive and negative feeling energies. So here,  I will continue to investigate and share self-forgiveness.

I mean, I didn’t’ just walk out the door and get hit by a bus. I somehow managed to give myself an invitation, with which the only option for me is to step it up, take self-responsibility, walk this point to stand one and equal to, thus acquire the ability to determine Who I Am according to the Decision and Committment to Birth MySelf as Life,  According to What’s Best for ALL.

And, I’m fortunate to be part of an amazing Group of People – nowhere else in the World can one find a more skilled Group as Destonians, where with the utmost care/precision,  WE  Intend to Support the Change our World Requires with solutions such as LIG & The Proposal!   We invite you to Join Us!

More to come

For Context Read:

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 214: Touch it

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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life