Tag Archive | lust

Day 52: When I Said I Do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear and self-interest to be the direction I took in walking the beginning of/as marriage when I said I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system where marriage is the answer given as the solution for a troubled and/or pregnant teen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk down the isle for what I knew in self-honesty was resistance, when I said I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the product of a world/money system where at the time, marriage was the only acceptable solution for my situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself over and over when I could hardly breathe as I walked down the isle, that everything will be fine when I say I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a marriage ‘ceremony’ that felt more like a ‘show me for the money‘.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system that glorifies marriage with illusions of romantic honeymoons and life long happiness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that marriage is Not just about free opportunities to fuck.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play barbie dolls as a child where I pretended to be married with children, living happily ever after, which was actually my mind as consciousness preparing me for my already pre-programmed existence within my predetermined middle class American life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be part of the American dream which is actually an abSOULute nightmare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire a symbolic commitment written on a piece of paper in order to ‘feel’ secure and trusting to walk hand in hand in this life with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a world/money system that functions where people in marriages and relationships have automated their abilities to put on a happy face, on the outside, but on the inside, behind close doors, all hell is breaking loose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system that doesn’t prepare children with the resources, tools, nor the ability to exist as an effective individual with the ability to support themselves and thus their world according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a world/money system where parents do Not educate their children, nor prepare them for what it’s like to struggle to survive within capitalism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form the opinion of myself at a very young age within the starting point of fear, in believing that I was always going to require a man/partner to take care of and support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and blame everybody else for the reason our world/money system is such a fuck up, instead of realizing that in fear and self-interest, I didn’t want to face myself within the realization that I am just as responsible for how our world exists as anyone here is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the ‘fall in love design of consciousness’, where I believed I would be supported and cared for as long as I followed the rules of the bible in that the eyes of God would care for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system where marriage is the socially acceptable/destructable construct in which to raise a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that the creation of marriage as I’ve lived it is a creation of my mind as consciousness where my ego supports the ego formed through and as relationships such as marriage, friends and family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system that governs people through justifications to discriminate one’s ability to marry based upon religous beliefs and sexual preference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that getting married was actually me fulfilling my fear and self-interest within the desire and need to Not be like my parents when in fact in my attempt to escape being them, I became them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame onto my parents as being the reason for how I’ve experienced myself in/as marriage – instead of realizing that I have manipulated and justified the decisions I’ve made according to self-interest, ego and greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a word/money system where the laws have been created to better protect relationships and property – meaning that widows and children are provided for better in death than in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for not teaching me through living an example of how to master self-responsibility and accountability within self-honesty as an adult within this world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop blaming my parents for my marriage failure, and to begin repairing me through self-forgiveness, to stop who I am within the marriage construct and to direct myself in self-honesty to stand and walk in agreement together with my partner as we stand in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show how through an Equal Money system we can stop how family and marriage constructs create control within individuals.

I commit myself to stabilizing myself and to show that being able to understand one’s past will change our future in relationships.

I commit myself to show the common sense in educating parents to support their children in self-honesty according to what’s best for all, thus bringing new life on Earth that’s worthy of life in it’s utmost potential.

I commit myself to trust myself in the moment to direct myself, and thus I Do Not require to make fear based symbolic commitments.

I commit myself to show how when we commit ourself to someone it will be because we are directing ourself in the moment as it exists only in the moment, not in the future.

Day 6: Hello deSIRE My Old Friend


The television was on for a moment this evening, and as I walked past it, I noticed the show ‘American Idol’ was on, and there was this guy standing there singing. I immediately saw a thought come up within me which was, ‘he looks just like a guy named Wes I made out with a few times when I was 19!’ The way the guy moved his legs and feet – in a slow shuffling manner – how he slightly closed his eyes as he sung, his hair, the way he smiled a devilish grin – everything about his movement and behavior triggered familiar feelings of my encounter and desire for a guy named Wes from a past/memory/experience of myself from a long, long, long time ago.


Instantaneously, I had internal conversation, and emotion/feeling reactions as backchat, which was like,,,’wow, I can’t believe how much he looks like Wes’, and, ‘damn I should have slept with that guy (Wes)when I had the chance’.

I saw how the desire that was coming up from within me, was like an old friend that hadn’t visited in awhile and, for a moment, I didn’t want to walk away from what was an oddly appropriately fixed feeling reaction within the idolizing of a past memory-based experience toward someone I was seeing on television that I’d never physically met, and, there was within me a pressing need, a wanting to touch, feel and press my body up against his.

I actually began to see a physical change within myself. My heartbeat and my breathing increased and I saw how I had moved my right hand up to my mouth and I was slightly nibbling on the nail of my right index finger! I was slightly moving my hips and pelvic back and forth, up and in and then back, and, I was standing up straighter and my breasts/chest was perched upward highter than they normally are. There was also slight a sensation of arousal in my solar plexus and pelvic area. Whoa! I stopped that shit. I breathed.

All I wanted to do was to shake that shit hold off of me. Why participate in the mind in something that isn’t real, never was real and depletes our physical body from it’s life giving abilities? No way. I’d rather touch, feel and press my body up close and personal with my partner here within what’s real, thank you very much!

And – the whole damn memory-thought based mind construct – from the beginning first thought, happened faster than I could write it out here for myself to see. No wonder we’re so fucked! There is no doubt – our mind as consciousness is a sophisticated, well lubricated machine – and is one that we better learn to direct in self-honesty – so we can actually walk for real as masters of our domain, so to speak — because at the moment – we are not the masters of our domain – the mind as consciousness is. Clearly No matter what the deSIRE – the experience of desire is of the mind as consciousness, and must be stopped. Desteni I Process is assisting me with just such points as well as self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as shameful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sexual experiences in my secret mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid being intimate with me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that in judging sex I am judging me.

I forgive myself for all the times that I’ve shamed myself into having sex in order to please and bribe a man to stay and never leave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body must be the picture perfect presentation in order for me to express myself as me one and equal to and as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must fantasize and/or exist in desire towards another in order to express myself in enjoying me as my physical body – instead of realizing there are no rules — we can caress, lick, kiss, suck and touch in any manner our breath moves us is pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mindset that says the female must limit her aggressiveness – instead of realizing myself free from labels existent as thoughts, feelings, emotions/reactions and Money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed a money system where woman are prostituted by men with money and judged by women who are influenced by men with money – instead of realizing that women hold the power to Direct, Change, and bring forth the Solution as Equality to/for and as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self intimacy is the key of me in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish and hope and desire to be swept off my feet by a younger attractive man which I have in the past pictured in my mind as being, ‘The One’.

I forgive myself for taking so long to see, realize and understand that CONsciousness is a Life Defying act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire of lust which is the minds way of wetting our appetite because the mind yearns in fear of losing it’s quest in it’s lust for power and requires our participation to sustain itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions and desires believing that I require and need another separate from me to come and fill me up – instead of realizing there is nothing to fill up except the mind as consciousness which through participation acts as fuel to continue sucking the life out of our physical body and as such our physical earth.

I Stop. I breathe. I direct me here in self-honesty in and as an agreement with myself to commit myself to support me as my physical body to walk according to a principle of equality where life is birthed here from the physical within and as a world/earth that is best for all in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into a relationship within the starting point of sexual attraction and/or love and thus have supported separation and dependency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as having power according to sex and sexuality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing how sex and relationships currently exists within this world in supporting the current mind system/world system/money system – instead of two human beings coming together in agreement, one and equal where self is self expression wherein they assist and support each other to remain here within and as self-honesty and not accepting/allowing anything less than who they really are as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for the arousal I experienced as an energetic reaction within and as my unconscious mind through seeing with my human physical eyes wherein my mind connected with what I saw and thus my mind sought to experience the arousal as energy to exist in order to further enslave, control, direct, abuse and abdicate life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the mind, and so have existed as the abused and the abuser wherein through visualization I have masturbated to porno/pictures/thoughts/feelings and emotions which manifests abuse within this world such as child abuse and rape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex is self nurturing instead of realizing that, ‘I am self nurturing‘.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require an experience of myself as anything other than who I am as me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to express me as who I am capable of becoming in every moment of breath within and as oneness and equality as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have refused to accept and allow myself to see, realize and understand how in acts of participation in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions/reactions I am creating abuse and horror existent within this world as a manifested reflection/consequence of dishonesty existing in me. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have refused to accept and allow myself to see, realize and understand that through and as acts of fear I manifest and create fear within and as this world.

i commit myself to see, realize and understand that my reactions to images reflect to me that I have abdicated my responsibility of giving life as I have received life.

I commit myself to dedicate myself to the only choice that I can freely make which is best for all life as the living word which is to stop and face me in self-honesty and embrace life through living myself in agreement and according to and as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to myself as I identify and establish solutions within my relationships with/as all that I will stand as a living example to identifying and establishing solutions within and as the functioning/existing of this World-System of Money to bring about an Equal Money System in bringing about Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to take responsibility for all creations whether directly or indirectly allowed and created by me as I realize that regardless of whom create what, I am here part of this creation of words and am sentenced by my sentences and a convict of my convictions. I will no longer allow myself to be directed by faith as I understand that the practical meaning of faith is that when I walk as the living word as flesh, all relationships that follow will eventually respond in ways that is best for all life and thus this certainty in action to walk till it is done is me as dedication to life as the living flesh as the word faith. I will not wait for the illusions that is not of this world of flesh which I have mistakenly given values to through the mis-creation of faith without proven outcomes here as flesh.

I commit myself to dedicate myself to the only choice I can freely make namely that which is best for all life as the living word as that is the only choice that will not produce some influence of fear and in that choice I am free and thus create the same freedom for all to embrace once they have relinquished the fear they have embodied as flesh and see the simplicity of the living word when all are equal creators of the word with meaning that supports life equal in every way. – Bernard Poolman

I commit myself to the process of walking the above words til I have walked them equally as me as them.

Naked

I was in bed, naked with my partner, and he asked me to get up and turn on the light… I saw five main problems with his request:

1. I was naked. 2. I would have to get out from under the covers to turn on the light, thus exposing my nakedness. 3. Once the light was on he’d be able to ‘see’ me naked and exposed. 4. I was naked. 5. I was naked… I didn’t mind getting up to turn on the light, but, I was scared of exposure. Fear the exposure would cause him to stop loving me, wanting me and that maybe, he’d be ashamed of me…

How is it that I’m afraid to be seen naked with the lights on? It’s interesting that I’ve often feared exposing myself in speaking and writing. In writing we are essentially standing before ourself exposed/naked. Though – the flesh of our human physical body stimulates the sex systems of consciousness and it’s not surprising that many have similar fear, of being seen naked, by the opposite sex especially.

I’m quite certain my fear of naked is somehow motivated by money because, everything is. The sex and porn industry is a multibillion dollar business and everything and everyone is affected constantly by subliminal messages which are sex orientated through commercialism for instance, where sex is presented so subtly that one actually believe their experience was their idea and real when in fact we’re ‘acting’ on impulse. The fact that most of us don’t match up to the picture presentations that are impulsed have certainly provided us with more to ‘think’ and ‘judge’ about ourselves. This is Not about blaming because we are each equally responsible for what we’ve accepted and allowed and for how the current money system exists as.

Emmeline is my 18 month old granddaughter. She doesn’t yet grasp the nature of adulthood such as sexual urges and impulses. She so enjoys herself and, often she’ll shed off all of her clothes, her shoes and socks and then, she just runs through the house. She’ll stop and look and me as if to say, see, you can do it to. Yet, what would one say if they walked in to see me running naked through the house with her? Would they call it child abuse?

Backchat thoughts here that I remember myself saying: Get some clothes on! I’ve said those words in playful gesture to my own children, yet now am seeing how I was masking myself in my own self fear and self denial. A point of shame for reasons that I never even stopped to consider and/or question and in doing so am realizing the fear of ‘naked’, is Not real.

What is it like to walk through the woods naked, enjoying the air on my physical body. What is it like to run naked? I’ve skinny dipped a few times, but, I was drunk or close to it every time.

When I’m breathing – stopping all thought participation – I’m aware in common sense that my physical body is actually very elegant. It displays me as what I’ve accepted and allowed through habits, tastes, personalities, babies I’ve birthed, all of the choices and more I’ve made in my life. It is in those that I’ve scripted and molded and formed an opinion of myself and imposed them to settle upon and as my physical body which in separation causes suppression of guilt and shame. My physical body has paid the price for the sake of me participating in and as my mind, yet my physical body has never forsaken me, as it is here breathing for and as me equally as life.

We’ve taken away the essence of our natural birthed form of self as life. The physical breathing expression of ourselves, and we’ve draped it in opinions, ideas and judgments, ego and greed, and it has cost us our very life. I Stop. I Breathe. I Forgive Myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to clothe/mask my fear of self in denial, shaming myself for reasons that I never even stopped to consider and/or question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed being ‘better than’ as the polarity opposite of ‘not good enough’ to exist within and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking through the house naked because I participated in thoughts in fear of being rejected when in fact I was the one rejecting me as my physical body in dishonesty as a manifestation of rejection walking. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject me as my physical body. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe being naked is ‘bad’ without clear understanding of the polarity of ‘bad’ and ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard, get mad at, and take for granted me as my physical body according to seeing through the eyes of the mind consciousness system as being ‘better than’ because of accepted and allowed comparisons of seeing me through the eyes of other women and judging me as being better than and/or worse than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be comfortable with myself, naked, one as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change, shape and control me as my physical body through emotional symbolism and impulses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require money as a means of providing and proving myself to be more appealing so that I would be loved and desired by a potential mate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sex as a means of survival in our current money system causing me to feel guilt and shame to and towards me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self expression according to a picture of what a sexy beautiful woman is according to an accepted idea and/or opinion supported and intended by our current money system as a way of keeping myself in my mind separate from me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgment towards me as being better than my sister through seeing me through the eyes of my sister through comparison and then judging me as being better than her.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forsake and separate me from me as my physical body as always pinpointing something about my naked physical body that I wished I could improve.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body because I wanted my ass to look tight and firm in a pair of jeans within the polarity of good and bad, positive and negative as I dreamed of looking like someone other than me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to force conditions of indulgence and/or lack upon my physical body because I feared who I thought I’d become if I did or didn’t do specific things, like diet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the effects my participation in drugs had on me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the current money system which accepts and allows abuse and death through the lack of money/ability for one to feed and provide for ones physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my physical body to the limits in energetic pretense patterns according to how I ‘wished to experience myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect, avoid seeing, hearing, touching and being one with my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through participation in memories, have repressed and impressed traumatic stresses upon my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to sex as a way of fulfilling a fantasy existent in thought patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to desire, want and need for a relationship, even when I knew the relationship would cause harm to me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship to be socially acceptable, loved and desired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require money as a means of providing and proving myself as more appealing as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as having to be shameful and secret instead of it being self expression as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to touch me, to feel me within and as oneness and equality as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self power and self support according to relationship and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear God would be ashamed of me for having sex instead of realizing that only I direct me in self-honesty in every moment as breath as who I am as the directive principle of me as my physical body as all as one as equal.

I see and I realize that I do Not fear being naked. In actuality, I fear the system, because I already know what the system is going to do/be and react as, because I am it. We as people design the systems and, we make the decisions and benefit and/or loose based on our decisions.

When our decisions are based upon what is best for all, then we’ll All Stand Naked as who we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be.

Then we’ll have the Answer and the Solution of an ‘Equal Money System’, the ‘Solution of Equality’. Finally, we’ll have an Answer and the Solution for the starving child as to why we allowed systems to abuse and enslave us to the point of allowing another living being to physically starve to death.

I accept me as my physical body. I accept all life as their physical bodies. I choose not to be ashamed. I choose to stand up and stop the systems of consciousness. I choose all life in dignity – over money. I choose an ‘Equal Money System’. I direct myself according to the ‘Principle of Equality’.

I direct me in self-honesty in and as my physical body breathing, naked.