Tag Archive | Love is a battlefield

Day 269: Owner of a Broken Heart?

I was flipping the television channels when I saw a glimpse of a girl from a soap opera – I don’t watch the soap opera but nonetheless her face reminded me of me – it triggered a memory of an experience that I had not long after my 16th birthday.

The thought process that was triggered led me into thinking how ‘this thing’ that happened to me,  was my first time at being the owner of a broken heart.  Now, there have been a few times throughout my life when I referred to myself as being broken hearted, and since to my mind I’ve placed importance in the idea of having had my heart broken,  it’s thus best, if I investigate to see what’s really going on so I can forgive myself.

So this particular time, was when I was 16, which was when I made the decision to have sex for my first time with this guy that I had been dating and making out with heavily for almost a year. Even now I can for a moment access the energy as I remember my thoughts / backchat back then which was leading and influencing my decision, because in my mind,  I would replay the energy of our nightly and lengthy make out sessions over and over.

Immediately after we had sex that first time, my mind began to freak out a little with questions like:  what if the condom breaks and what if I get pregnant? If I got pregnant I didn’t know how I would face my mom, so after a couple of more times of having sex after the first time, I told this guy – who my ‘freedom’ as a teenager greatly depended upon at this time because my parents trusted him – I told him that I just couldn’t have sex with him anymore for awhile because I was scared I’d get pregnant.  I remember he looked right into my eyes as he smiled and said ‘hey, no problem’.   I remember thinking how great it was to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend.

shattering reflections of me

A week later, I heard it from a friend that heard it from a friend – yes really!  That he was messing around, with a woman that was 10 years older than him!, (he was 21).  I remember that day like it was yesterday… I was sixteen with a drivers license but no car, and I needed to get to my boyfriends apartment and fix how I was feeling.  He lived about 5 blocks from me so I got on my 10 speed bike and cried the entire time as I rode it to his place.

It was early spring and I remember thinking in the midst of my crying and pedaling, how it was to beautiful of a day to feel like I was feeling, which was sad, lonely and angry.   He wasn’t home when I got there and it didn’t matter because it was my experience within those first moments – when something changes the nature of the relationship in a way where you know it’ll never be the same – it was in that moment that my definition of how love has to do with being ‘the owner of a broken heart’, came to be.  Within that single moment I became acquainted with what love and betrayal ‘feels’ like and I ‘thought’ my world had just crashed before me all because I was having a negative experience of myself.   It’s these such momemts that I let energy in and in doing so I allow harm to my physical body and thus my physical world/reality.

So I must look realistically at such a moment, in how dramatic I made the whole thing out to be.  Here one can see the extent of self interest because with ALL the atrocities that exist within our world, like poverty, war and starvation, we’re broken hearted over what we refer to as hurt feelings…

It is here that I see my dependency on the ‘energetic experience’, where I take myself from hot to cold with positive and negative experiences from love to the extreme opposite, as anger – all for the energy of it, for my mind as consciousness to use my physical body to fuel itself…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my anger through acts of love, peace and even gentleness, where I may behave happy, joyful, gladdened and/or appear physically calm, composed or tranquil even as I’m suppressing myself within and as the energy of love and anger to fuel who I am as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to within every moment breathe and face and forgive who I am as anger.

commit myself to show myself who I am free from energetic experiences and to provide adequate care for my physical body first and foremost.

I commit myself to Stop pretending to be an automation of myself as a character of anger and suppression – because I see, realize and understand that behaving and becoming a reactive pattern of love and anger is and have always been my way of avoiding facing and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to facing all the moments wherein my life I referred to and/or defined myself as being the owner of a broken heart because I see, realize and understand that investigating, understanding and forgiving these points will bring about an awareness of self, a clarity – an end to anger.

Become Someone You’re Satisfied With

Begin Desteni I Process

A Great Read:  Day 564 The Decision to Self-Investigate

Day 196: Moving Through

The subject of money, or rather the lack thereof came up tonight when my daughter and her partner asked if we could help them out with giving them some gas money so they can get to work. As we continued to discuss the point, I became increasingly aware of the FAMILIar and dull pain located within my upper back between my shoulder blades. The pain, which had remained silent for most of the day, began to slowly radiate in a straight line through and into my chest area. Before, when my daughter has asked me for money I reacted and so this is a point I’m aware of and have been applying self-forgiveness for. It’s very interesting when the pain starts, because it’s like my physical body is giving me an alert to assist myself to focus on my breathing.

Continuing here further with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to thus move myself through this point in self-corrective application.
moving through
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of anxiety and dread where I fear that when my daughter asks me for money that I will react in irritation and ultimately regret and within this, I see, realize and understand that my reaction is coming from a pattern as a memory/construct within my mind according to how our relationship used to be, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a memory/construct/habit that is actually only real because I keep accepting, allowing and thus making it real.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of my mind that I have given permission for.

I commit myself to releasing the control I have given myself permission for within my mind with regards to how I have accepted and allowed the idea and the mere mention of money to seize and control me through fear,  because I see, realize and understand that when I focus on breathing and remain in awareness of who I am in self-honesty then I am able to stand stable and move myself and make decisions according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand who I am capable of becoming free from the impulse within my mind to over react to the subject of money, to direct myself to change the nature of who I’ve been within the fear of my mind being in control of me, and to instead see, realize and understand that I Decide who I am, and I Choose to Stand Stable, Equal to and one in an agreement to change the inner me to one that will ultimately manifest my outer world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to move this point through in self-corrective application according to living as an example of how relationships can be transformed into and as agreements through self directing self walking according to what’s best for all.

For Relationship and Self-Support: DIP Lite
Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Day 44: Love is a Battlefield

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that love is like a battlefield on the inside of our physical body where one constantly desires specific outcomes to settle an anticipated experience self has within one’s mind in fear of making a mistake and have to once again face life alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that love is a battlefield of love/winning and hate/losing within rounds of/as competition within the need/desire to survive what we refer to as the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/ realize and understand that love has always broken our physical body between the heart and the mind as the soul of money within a world that buys and sells love as sex and sex for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed experiences of sadness by thinking about that which I’ve not been able to do based on ideas about relationships and accomplishments instead of according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the affect of love is a cause of fear and suspicion forming patterns and constructs within the mind of/as self-loathing and depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that love lived in/as relationships have been about compromise and sacrifice in living patterns of self-interest because when under the spell/possession of the mind ‘in love’, the rest of the world is compromised and sacrificed and left to starve to death and die.

I forgive myself for the beating I accepted and allowed within and without to/towards my physical body through a love relationship as I waited and waited until I hated myself for waiting to experience myself ‘in love’.

I forgive myself for the anger I feel in the pit of my stomach when people sing the song, ‘love will build a bridge between your heart and mine’, when in fact borders exist for the love of a God, all the while ignoring the abuse and neglect within our world as it continues to grow day by day as countless numbers of children live in poverty and are starving to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to say that to love is to place my happiness in the happiness of another is to not comprehend that in order for self to experience happiness in this world, a situation of unhappiness has to occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that when we are subject to an outside experience in order for us to experience something, we are thus showing/proving to ourselves how our enslavement works through outer elements which we require for our perceived happiness and survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/ realize/ and understand that we have to correct what we have created and stop the creation of this world through the polarity of emotions/feelings/love and thoughts of and as the mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself for all the times when I stood up for and shouted out for the sake of and in love when all the while how I was experiencing myself was limited to the end of the line within a pattern of energy existent only within the construct of my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will save the world when I’ve proved to myself that the only way love will benefit the world is through living it for real in self-honesty through supporting an Equal Money system allowing all life the support of/as forgiving for living.

I commit myself to stopping the polarity of and as love/hate as a battlefield through stopping participation in and as emotions and feelings and through self-forgiveness and in self-honesty directing myself according to what’s best for all life here.

I commit myself to educating humanity that happiness is not about doing as happiness is not defined by anything separate from self.

I commit myself to comprehending, living and supporting myself and my neighbor according to and through an Equal Money System to experience the joy of how life can be as a humanity as life as breath within and as Oneness and Equality.

I commit myself to walking the Journey to Life for/as Living Proof for myself of being One and Equal as all Life standing in support of an Equal Money system.

Read The following Blogs for further perspective and assistance with regards to love and life.

Heaven’s Journey to Life – DAY 3: What Does it Really Mean to be ‘Alive’?

Heaven’s Journey to Life – DAY 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality/Negativity?

Creation’s Journey to Life – Day 13: Failed Relationships

Creation’s Journey to Life – Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?

Creation’s Journey to Life – Day 19 – Rotten Love

Creation’s Journey to Life – Day 41: Spiritual Poverty of Love and Light

Creation’s Journey to Life – Day 44: In the Name of Love