Tag Archive | jealousy

Day 65: Living in Hope is a TRAP

Almost 2 months ago I had an ‘idea’ to test my application and stop by a casino after 2 years of not gambling. The ‘idea’ was to see if I was able to walk into a casino and walk out having only spent a predetermined amount of money. My ‘idea’ was coming from a dishonest starting point of curiosity and according to past experiences as picture presentations within my mind as them – thus I spent 3 times the amount of money that I had planned, and once again I had fallen into an energetic money pit. I see/realize and understand that from the beginning, I’ve not walked this point through from the starting point of self-honesty, thus it’s not surprising I’ve time-looped. Now, today, and earlier in the week I’ve had two occasions where I was driving alone with money in hand, and have been walking the same point of energetic thoughts to gamble. Hence, the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gambling as an incessant diversion to draw off attention from the starting point of existing within hope, where just like in religion I secretly hoped to receive a miracle so to speak so that my life can be easier by winning a jackpot, though, ultimately keeping myself trapped in cycles of a religious construct which offers a thrill to the ride in but will aLIEnate who one is, killing life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop this point due to the nature of myself as being in a hurry to rid myself of the point – where inrushing I failed to see the nature of my starting point according to the individual energetic high within each of a string of assorted energetic/manipulating addictive behaviours that I’ve existed as, thus not fully comprehending the point within each, thus my ineffectiveness due to separation and lack of specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist where I have absolutely never known myself free from existing in some sort of energetic experience, so much so, that to consider Not ever having an energetic experience again, scares the hell out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to experiencing myself in and as ‘ideas’ of energy where throughout my life I have accumulated myself as a variety of ideas/addictive behaviours where I’ve bounced to and from and back and forth as them depending upon accessibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never actually see myself as I did today, where I realized that within my life-line therein lies the truth and/or the consequences of me, where every thought I participate in as every word I speak is a move I make toward who/how I determine my next physical movement within my reality and that to Not understand that I am responsible for and as everything and everyone here is to be existing in nothing more than the nature of and as my own preprogrammed mind as consciousness slavery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I have always been the moving force of me as the piece in what I’ve always seen as a game of chasing myself rather than being here as myself, thus today, when and as I first played with/participated within the notion of gambling, I for a moment lost sight of the goal of consciousness which is to always achieve an Energetic High to continue the fueling of us as mind consciousness systems, which is exactly what is killing me as my physical body as well as the leading cause of depleting our physical reality – which is Not a game – in and as consumerism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience the smell of walking into the casino as that of freshly smoked cigarettes and hearing the sound of the slot machines as I would sit and continually feed money into slot machines mindlessly entertained within a hypnotic state of mind as nothing more than how a computer acts during a scheduled upgrade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO the fact that when I loose money gambling I create stress within my physical body which further accelerates the aging process as well as creates dis-ease within the cells of my flesh and internal organs thus, stress being an act of self-abuse upon me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the fiend addicted to some pernicious habit in order to achieve an experience of myself to provide energy to fuel the mind as consciousness so much so that I saw how I was able to stop the demanding urge and downright tantrum/possession within and as my mind, just like giving candy to a baby because today, the moment I allowed myself to buy myself a single serving of chocolate pie, immediately, the urge to gamble stopped, because I gave my mind something to recharge it – sugar – the poison I saw as the least damaging for my physical body within that particular moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the beginning not fully grasp the Desteni material because I didn’t really believe that we’re a pre-programmed mind consciousness systems, only now, as I was taking a simple trip to town to check our mail at the local post office, I saw who I really am within the struggle of inner urges to gamble in my quest to obtain some sort of energy to fuel my mind as consciousness – thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever doubt what I’ve proved to/for myself – that not only are we pre-programmed as consciousness, but that we are led around by our nose according to energetic symbols and impulses as bait/trigger points, which we use and abuse to recharge ourselves as our mind using what we refer to as money, sex, spirituality, sugar, greed and games in and as competition/conflict and survival.

I commit myself to, through self-forgiveness stop who I am as an energetic vampire and to show myself who I am free from the greed of energy and money which is exactly what keeps the world turning as the abuse we see manifested here as hell on earth.

I commit myself to stop how I forEGO life itself when I value energetic experiences over supporting life according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show how Self-forgiveness will assist to support Self-in-honesty so self can actually see that it IS possible to stop what and who we’ve become as a mind consciousness system thus then gift self the ability to support an Equal Money system creating Heaven on Earth for All.


Please Read Earth’s Journey to Life with regards to ‘The emergence of ideas’:
Day 33: Emergence of Ideas
Day 34: Emergence of Ideas Self Forgiveness Statements
Day 35: Emergence of Ideas Self Forgiveness Statements Continued

Day 36: Emergence of Ideas Self Commitment Statements

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Day 64: Childhood Leg-I-see as Desire: Head of the Class

Today I was reacquainted through the internet with someone from my past that I’ve known since I was seven when I first started elementary school. Triggered within me were memories/ legacies of me as my past that I’ve continued to hand down as walking actions of myself which I’ve maintained since the beginning of me as manifested patterns of self-abuse, within a mindset that I can see I still exist as, hence, the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry in/as my legs as I’ve walked the path of/as the illusion of family values, where I’ve carried the weight of my past through/as the DNA of my mother and father and the ideas they existed as and believed in as the beautiful lie they told themselves in order to make it through the daily struggle within the survival system of/as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a living example of desire crossed in loneliness, where I wanted to be noticed and stand out and I didn’t really care what I had to do in order to achieve the energetic high of existing as the desired experience of/as my mind as being ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that to be loved is to be accepted and to be accepted is to be loved and within that I’ve sought self-validation and self-acceptance outside myself from others through experiences I’ve manifested of/for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my secret mind desire to grow up and be ‘better than’ my parents as a way of ‘getting back at them’ for that which I felt they were keeping from me, which within my mind, I believed it was the experience of ‘real love‘ that they were withholding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself within the starting point of desire where from when I first started school, all I wanted was to be ‘head of the class – the ‘special one’, the one that the teacher would see as the Best and ‘the ONE’ in which to follow in the footsteps of, thus, when I saw my teacher’s attention focus on someone else I became suppressed within myself in disappointment, disgust, anger and frustration because I depended upon the positive energetic charge I got when I received attention, because as all children I reLIEd upon and depended on the love and devotion received from immediate family, and, I directed mine towards authority figures within my life, because I sensed myself as void of that within my family, thus, I focused all my desires to/toward my teachers as the substitute fuel to somehow achieve that which I ‘felt’ denied of from my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize how even now I exist the same toward people I’ve deemed as special, and even as I write this I feel constriction as an inward pressure/pain and tightness within my chest area representing the point of devotion to family, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect who and how I’ve existed as within a point of FAMe wherein I desired to be INFAMOUSly regarded as the person to favor whether through inside or outside my immediate FAME-I-Lie.

I forgive myself that in my beLIEved manner of self-notoriety, I secretly existed in shame within my secret mind, NOT seeing, realizing and understanding that what I do in my mind has a consequence to everything and everyone within this reality and as such I created an alternate reality inside myself that manifested on the outside within my physical world as a negative experience wherein I was bullied and made fun of by the kids in my class which further perpetuated my already self made mind possession and sent me into an extremely isolated existence of myself.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how when I didn’t perceive myself as ‘fitting’ into my immediate family system as becoming the slave of my parents – even though I actually was – and how I in-advertently used what I experienced as a ‘lack of’ attention from my parents and imposed it upon those within my world that I saw as having authority and thus would then seek from them the teaching/knowledge/guidance as a way of seeking self-approval and self-validation as well as seeking to support and please others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to be caught within the polarity of good and bad and right and wrong to such a degree that I feared and suppressed any ability to actually express myself free from the opinions I was constantly forming within my mind with regards to who I would be and become according to how I felt I was obligated to act and behave as in ways which would be acceptable and approved according to the rules of my family, society and the world/money/survival system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my parents unconditionally while inside myself at the same time feeling and directing hate to/towards them – instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that is not my fault nor my parents fault for how I experienced myself because my parents experienced themselves exactly the same as I did because we’ve not yet as a family/society utilized the tools now available through Desteni I Process as being the practical supportive tools for family and life to actually stand up from within the abuse we’ve accepted and allowed from generation to generation as the sins of the fathers – to direct ourselves according to what’s best for All whereby life as we’ve known of/as ourselves will begin to change and we’ll welcome who we are as individual self-expressions.

I commit myself to forgive my way clear to no longer accept myself to separate myself through self-judgment where I create and manifest desires within myself thus manifesting and creating the same within my outer world as this physical reality, which I take self-responsibility for in supporting a world/money system according to what’s best for all.

Day 62: Radical Relationship: Feeling Threatened

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.”~ Carl Jung

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated with my partner when he made a joke at the cashier at the local grocery store because I saw him as trying to please and/or make her ‘smile’ and ‘be happy’ and within that I noticed how I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my flesh as if I wanted to wiggle loose from my physical body from the suddenly threatening ‘feeling’ I saw myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I see as irritating within another is a point of reaction within myself meaning that I am existing as the very point I see in another as irritating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being irritated when that was not the actual point at all but within my accepting myself as irritation I actually became irritated and missed the point of seeing myself for who and How I was actually existing in and as which was infear – inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘threatened’ by other women who I see/judge as younger/prettier within fearing that they may enter into a relationship/agreement with my partner, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react inspite and backchat to/towards those who I see myself as infear of/inferior to according to the direction of my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a people pleaser where I seek to validate others to make them smile and/or make them happy within the starting point of seeking validation for who I am and thus what I ‘thought’ I saw in my partner was actually only a reflection of my need to please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the presence of another can have lasting affects on me, as me becoming either worse off or better off for having known them within the point where I’ve believed I was having a ‘spiritual experience’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within my marriage/relationship I have cloaked myself in deception so much so that I took pride in positioning myself to look and act better when I’m around people who appear to have money as opposed to people who appear to have very little to no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing as the ego in believing myself as being better than is existing within two points of polarity of/as good/bad and positive/negative and within that, I see how existing as such is actually manifesting actual crimes against life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that existing in polarity manifests acts of greed such as consumption/consumerism and is what keeps our current world/money system turning life into cycles of death.

DownLoad: Emotional Turmoil as a Radical Reaction within Relationship Here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my partner to still see me as pretty, and to desire me as he did when we first met, and the fact is, I realize that who I am as my physical body on the outside doesn’t ‘seem’ to match who I am on the inside, and that scares the hell out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see aging as a bitter enemy because aging is confusing when on the outside the physical body changes but on the inside I still ‘feel young’, thus, the point I am seeing, in that, ‘feeling’ is Not, and has never been what defines one as actually ‘Living Life‘, because life cannot and will not ever be measured by/as experiences in/as feelings and emotions as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a ‘feeling of well being‘ and to actually believe that that is what living life is.

I commit myself to stop myself from experiencing life in feelings of threat, infear of losing that which isn’t mine to begin with because life is not meant to be had, to be kept, to be owned or lived in CONsuming, because life is meant to be Heaven on Earth for all living beings, Living Life according to what’s Best for All.

I commit myself to show that love is a fallacy = A fall-in-humanity-see…

I commit myself to show that: “Love can only truly exist within the context of the physical in terms of right action and wrong action in terms of what is best for all and what actual Equality is.” ~Bernard Poolman

Please READ the following Blogs:
Energy – the Mask of the Devil: DAY 43
The Prophets of Damnation: DAY 47
Sacrificial Love of the Mother: DAY 48

Day 65: The Glamour of Enlightenment
Day 66: Relationship Dynamics – Part 1
Day 67: Relationship Dynamics – Part 2

Day 12: Woman on Top

Guarding:

I forgive myself that throughout my life I’ve often defined myself as a ‘woman on top’, wherein I took pride in displaying lack of emotions and feelings and/or giving the impression within my relationships that I could live with or without them, when if fact what I’d become was suppressed within myself, scared of being emotionally hurt, so to protect myself, I built a wall and guarded myself within an idea that ‘I’ was the one ‘in control’ of my relationships, and haha, no one could hurt me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be a loner who didn’t need and/or want for anyone, because that way no one could break the shell on the outside of me which I used to protect what I was existing as within myself which was sadness, loneliness and a suppressed expression of self.

I forgive myself for always being the first to walk away from a relationship in an attempt to ease the pain of a breakup which I feared was bound to happen so I prepared myself constantly from the possibility of emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘woman on top’, meaning how my life was moving in how I was directing my world, which actually meant existing in control/ego and fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive a sense of strength and power within the starting point/view of being one of opinion which charged my ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always want, desire and need to be right with regards to insight, knowledge and/or information that I obtained through life experiences and, the women within my family that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the mind’s ego will always look for validation, conformation, respect and agreement from others because the mind’s ego cannot exist without others agreeing with it’s existence – that being of my opinion and my point of view.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find insult with people/my partner/relationships who tell me to ‘calm down’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was mentally stable and strong, when in fact, all I’ve accomplished within that belief is to separate myself from my physical body and thus avoiding real intimacy within and as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money as a point of ‘relieving’ myself from the guilt in how I see myself as not providing enough to/for my relationships financially, so I sought ways to make earn/money to compensate myself to feel emotionally better.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause financial hardships through the pattern of gambling as a way to win money to pay for unexpected expensives and to make myself feel better for my lack of contributing money to the relationships – unless and/or when I didn’t win – which then compounded the already suppressed point further wherein I became distant and withdrawn from my partner within guilt of having spent money we didn’t really have to spend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘guard’ my relationship with money as a motive for manifesting a time loop for myself which was triggered by jealousy in an illusion of control in which I reacted to in belief that I was able to ‘control’ and direct myself through the point.

Jealousy and the Illusion of Control

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be on guard and manipulated within points of jealousy and the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a self defined category of the mind as polarity friction in and as conflict between what is right and what is wrong.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become an emotional feeling demonic entity that I for a moment allowed to completely take over the experience of myself within a point of jealousy and the illusion and control.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when jealousy exist the illusion of control exist.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become grouchy and irritable to/towards my relationship due to my dishonesty in not sharing the truth of what was going on within me because I feared they will walk away from me in their life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and manifest and create into reality my wants, needs and desires which was the starting point behind the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed jealousy to drive me – instead of me seeing/realizing and understanding the core point being that of inferiority and superiority manifested within my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to control my mind, my body, my world, my money, and relationships by using wants. needs and desires to obtain that which I seek control of/within and as.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the resonant nature of my most intimate relationships to influence me through my mind as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for a moment exist within an energetic outflow of a demonic nature as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and time loop a point because I believed I was able to ‘control’ myself when I saw the trigger point of jealousy and even when it ignited an energetic outflow, I was sure I would be able to ‘control’ and direct myself – instead of stopping, breathing and directing myself in self-honesty.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the direction of my mind in the belief that I was trying to defend and protect my relationship when really I was trying to control my relationships within the context of how wanted them to be as well as how I wanted ‘me’ to be in relationship with that being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern of self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within wants, needs and desires toward existence as a whole wherein I wanted to be equal and one in and with existence when in fact I was existing within inferiority/superiority.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of jealousy within the illusion of control – I Stop. I Breathe. I see/realize and understand the pattern of control as I’ve existed as it before – I direct me here within and as all as one as equal.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of self righteousness, I see/realize and understand that I’ve walked the path of self righteousness far to long and it is time to stop and forgive myself and re-design myself here breathing according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to investigating myself and my world within self-honesty and self-diligence in seeing/realizing and understanding myself within everything and as all here.

I commit myself to creating life on earth in a manner where woman and children and men and boys and animals, nature, earth, wind and water, All Living beings are of like expressions living proof that equality is the key to all cells of and as Self.

I commit myself to me in accepting and allowing the expression of me within and as self honesty to emerge as who I am as all as one as equal.

“I commit myself to recreate money as the root of all evil as the root of life that we may realize that it is not about what we create, it is about what value we give what we create and thus we can give money the value of life equally and use it as the way to bring to each other what is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

I commit myself to Stand One and Equal as these Words.