Tag Archive | hell

Day 85: WithHolding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as a character holding a grudge of blame to/towards another, not seeing/realizing and understanding how whatever I experience to/towards another is what I’m actually projecting unto them of/as who I am, thus whatever I experience to/towards another is how/what I’m actually experiencing inward to/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize or understand that when existing within a character of/as my mind where I hold a grudge against another, I am actually holding myself hostage within a point of manifested self suppression in a space of righteous anger, self-judgement and self-victimization where I become a living habit as the grudge I hold against another, which is actually a grudge against myself for not meeting the expectations of my mind that I have placed myself within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave to/towards another according to how I behave and experience myself in relationship to how I hold myself within and as characters of/as me as my mind – in how I have defined me in relationship to/as them according to how I have I defined them in relationship to me – wherein I as ‘the victim‘ of my own imagination – will accept and allow myself to be the judge and the jury against what I believe I saw within another – when in-fact what I was seeing/existing as/was my own self-reflection of/as the friend/fiend – looking through me as my physical mind eyes, from within my unconscious mind of/as a glass window pane – where me as a mind consciousness system will scan through all of my memories/characters and personalities – which I have created and manifested in/as my relationship to/towards a particular person who I ‘believe’ I hold a grudge to/toward – when in-fact, I as my mind as consciousness is holding a grudge against myself within the point of conflicting resonant patterns/character/personalities according to what I alone have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when corrected by someone to go into absolute fear inside myself where I then withhold myself and basically go into hiding within a space of blurriness where my reality and/or my idea of it completely changes and, I create in my secret mind an outward gr-judge toward whoever I perceive as having done me wrong – yet, I’m actually withholding myself from myself because within that I didn’t see/realize and understand how the only grudge I hold is in judgment to/as myself which is always directed inward towards myself causing damage upon me as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand how what I withhold from myself is that which I’m holding in/as suppression which manifest without unto our world, thus, actually withstanding life itself from manifesting as a world according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as holding a grudge to/toward myself through participating in and as internal conversations/backchat causing internal damage to my organs and flesh of and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in/as a character holding a grudge to not see/realize and understand how I deliberately inferiorize myself, where I make myself less than in order to please another so I’ll be appreciated and/or accepted, because I have yet to appreciate and/or accept myself thus, I compromise myself within an idea that doing something for someone will validate who I am, because then I’ll be recognized and/or known as ‘special’ within our current world/society/money system – yet, in the act of holding a grudge within my mind, I am deliberately compromising myself in order to further my hope in establishing the illusionary position of power within my mind, and, when my planning falls through as it always has – I become ill willed with resentment to/towards anyone who didn’t support me in my quest for the role of said victory, therefore, within that I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized and understood how in holding a grudge against another I have created indigestion in the pit of my stomach from/as existing in anger to/toward myself for how I accept and allow myself to be in holding myself hostage in/as a character within my mind of holding a grudge.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen/realized and/or understood how in holding a grudge, when I ‘feel’ like I’ve Not got what I wanted and/or intended – when/as I exert reactions to/toward another, I’m only actually reacting towards myself, because in self-honesty, I see how I’ve compromised myself in how I give myself away to my mind in my search of appreciation and acceptance – instead of giving and being appreciation and acceptance as myself in living it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how in/as the character who holds a grudge against another is actually me existing within self-judgment, resentment and anger, which I hold unto me as my physical body within a point of creating a victim of/as me as my physical body thus, manifesting illness and DisEase within myself, where I then seek to SIP off the energy I perceive in others, thus I GO after them through deliberately gossiping about them as a way of protecting/defending/securing myself within my mind of memories through how I’ve developed my characters/personalities from in the first place.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog for further clarity)


2012 – Women – Kickin the belief in God

I had some interesting perspectives shared with me today at two different doctor’s offices where I had to return to for follow up visits. One of the nurses, who I’ve known for a few years, began to talk about how strange bacterias and illnesses have become and how difficult it’s been for many to get well after having had a virus and, how many have not recovered and/or have lost loved ones to death, suddenly and unexpectedly.

She said how strangely enough, this has caused her to question her beliefs. Specifically, her belief in God and religion. She said it seemed to her that the only reason people have needed religion/God in the first place, is because of their fear of death, and that really, all death does is, is a way promote fear and that fear seems to promote self interest.

Wow, that was cool to hear and I sat quietly and continued to listen as I’d never heard her speak that way. She went on to say that she wasn’t exactly sure how, but she was sure that religion and the whole idea of a God all began as a means of us wanting to control each other.

She started to say something else, but was then paged to take a phone call and as she was leaving the room, she paused and thanked me, saying that she could tell that I was actually hearing her…

As I entered the office where my second doctor’s appointment was, there were two nurses who were having a similar conversation about religion and God. They were talking about how human limitation is linked to the examples we had as children and how mostly, those examples consisted of God/Religion and/or fear, and that, basically, it’s all the same. They said as far as they were concerned, God/Religion was nothing more than a way to control people and that they were seeing how God/Religion is slowly losing it’s hold on people.

They then began to talk about death and one of them looked at the other one and at me and asked: Can you remember how old you were and where you were when you first realized that life dies? It was at that moment, that I was summoned back to see the Doctor and man, I hated leaving the interesting conversation.

I do remember the day though – the day that I overheard my parents talking with the next door neighbors about death: I was 5 1/2 years old. I remember that it took me awhile to think about their meaning of death, being that when we die, we will no longer exist here on earth. At five years old, I was just beginning to notice myself, so death didn’t really make much sense to me because, within me, it was as if I was always going to be here. I just didn’t get how it is that life is something that can just go away.

With all of the culture of silence that surrounds death and dying, I learned very quickly not to ask many questions about death because my questions simply went unanswered. People were scared to death about dying and absolutely no one wanted to talk about it.

The first time I began to have an awareness of my fear of death was when I was 9. I was sitting in a church, and the pastor of the church began to speak of heaven and hell – how the only way to Not go to hell was to ask for God’s forgiveness for our sins. At nine years old I wasn’t clear what horrible sins I had committed and even though the whole story of death and God and heaven and hell didn’t make any sense to me – I became willing to believe in a God and a heaven, simply because of the fear in the idea of going to some fiery hell.

As I got into my teenage years, I began to find it odd that people I’d known my whole life – who had only ever prayed before holiday dinners – were now getting older and they feared death so, suddenly, God had become important to them. I began to wonder if it would change how accepting people were of war and violence if they were to become able to embrace the reality of their own fear of death.
All I really knew was that no one on earth is in control of their lives and no one questioned how come life dies…

Consider that all of the fears and doubts and judgments, and all the goddamn competitions and hate we secretly hold within ourself against each other, whether quietly or not so quietly, which only appears to remain unseen – that maybe, just maybe it’s all that shit within us – that’s what is manifesting within and as how our world currently exists. Such as in the money wars, where we don’t or won’t question how come we’re ok with people starving to death and living on the streets without a home.

Many people have never challenged the belief systems they were taught as children so when an answer comes, they attack it, instead of stopping and considering to – for a moment – give up all the knowledge we’ve given value to, and prove our-self as life.

Now, as I’ve been walking the Desteni process of self-forgiveness and facing myself in self-honesty, I’m slowly beginning to understand that maybe death is only as real as the abuse we allow to exist within us which has an accumulative affect upon our physical body and, ultimately, manifests within and as our physical reality.

Maybe people really are beginning to challenge and stop their belief systems – for sure we at Desteni are and, we’re realizing that the best way to do that is to stop the systems altogether and forgiving self for accepting them in the first place without even investigating who self is within them.

One thing I know for sure is that the women of this world have it within them to stand up and “Stop” the abuse that’s being accepted and allowed and to change themselves and thus assist in changing this world.

For further perspective on death and the afterlife, suggest the following:

History of the Interdimensional Portal – Part 1

History of the Interdimensional Portal – Part 2

History of the Interdimensional Portal – Part 3

Investigate how Equal Money will assist us in bringing about a world where all life may exist in dignity. EqualMoney.org

Stop praying for peoples ‘soul’ – that’s ignorant


It’s been a strange day today as I breathed through the news of my sister’s death.  She was found dead in her apartment, she had just turned 47.  Initially, I sensed a nervousness when hearing she had died but as I breathed, I realized once again, how we take our physical body and our physical reality for granted.  Then, when death arrives,  we fear it, question it and finally allowing no other choice,  we ultimately, accept it.  My phone has rang off the wall and my email is full of ‘condolences’ and,  all I can really say is, what the fuck!   Are people really serious when they say, ‘well she’s in heaven now with God and with her mom’, and saying how they are, ‘praying for her soul’.  What soul?  Where is the soul? Have anyone ever seen or touched the soul?   The ‘soul’, as well as the ‘idea’ of a ‘God’,  as far as I can see, has fucked us all up big time.

How is it that after all these millions upon millions of years of us as humans walking this earth, that we still hang onto and believe such nonsense.   We say things as if that’s suppose to make everything alright and it does nothing to assist anyone who is actually here walking on this earth.  It’s just another way of hiding our head in the sand so we don’t have to take responsibility for how and what exists within our world.  I don’t need, nor do I require anyone’s ‘condolences’.  And, I’m quite sure that my sister, the Being that she really is, does not require anyone to ‘pray for her soul’.  Stop praying for peoples ‘soul’ – that’s ignorant.  In fact, stop praying.  Get up off your knees – face yourself and the mess here on earth in self-honesty, so we can stop all the suffering.

Maybe, for a split second after her death, my sister was able to see the truth of our existence, which is more than we who are here are willing to see.  I don’t believe for one minute she met with a ‘God’, or the Being who was our ‘mom’ while here on earth.  I’m sure she is walking her process as we all are and, more than likely doesn’t remember who she was when she was here.  Most of the time, we can’t even remember who we are in our dreams when we sleep, so what makes us think we’ll remember ourself in death… We are nothing more than systems existing through and as our mind as consciousness. 

How can anyone in common sense not realize that there is no God and, if you believe there is one, then how is it that your not questioning the fact that thousands of children die from starvation daily because of our fucked up money system.   Few people will even ask that question.   I am no longer willing to accept this thing we call ‘life’ because, ‘life’ here on earth, is nothing but ‘hell’, and then we die.  I for one, have had enough.  As I breathe, I am stopping myself through Self-Forgiveness and I am standing in support of an Equal Money System. Stop waiting to die to receive a ‘heaven’- when we can all agree as one, to create ‘Heaven on Earth’ through the ‘Principle of Equality’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss and cry for the person I believed my sister to be and the person I wanted her to become instead of realizing that in doing so I validate the mind of consciousness, the enslavement of humanity through thoughts, feelings and emotions, that which we have become, that which is not real, that which accepts and allows atrocity as our abusive money system. I stop. I breathe, I direct me here in self-honesty standing according to and as the Principle of Equality in support of an Equal Money System to allow dignity for and as all life to experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of those who I’ve known all my life for in that fear what I’m really fearing is who and what I’ve become according to what I’ve accepted and allowed when I didn’t stand up for and as all life because I see, understand and realize that within us each one we have the ability to stand up for and as all life so that all life will no longer suffer as mind consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry against life for giving up on itself and allowing atrocity to exist, instead of realizing that it is me who gives up on me and in doing so I separate myself from life itself. I stop. I breathe, I release the anger and I stand in support of and as all life so that all suffering to and of life may and will stop as all stand together hand in hand in support of all life to experience dignity through breath accepting each other as self as all as one as equal.