For Context Read: Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’
So in a couple of days, I will be having a biopsy taken from an area where I found a lump in my breast. And, so I realize that I really need to investigate and share in writing what’s been going on within me, to document how my mind has been ‘processing’ the new information/ situation that I’m currently walking.,,,
,,,I’m going to stop right here for a moment to ‘acKnowledge’ and Stop the reaction I became aware of as I finished writing that paragraph. The reaction was to immediately stop sharing what I was writing. I’m familiar with this pattern, and I am committed to continue sharing this point and Direct myself from Reactive Responses to Self RESPONSE-ability.
Please hear: From Reactive Responses to Self RESPONSE-ability – Part Three: DAY 334 for further Clarity and Specificity.
Continuing,,, So, because of the future ‘biopsy’ I have scheduled – which my mind is using as the reason for how I’ve been experiencing myself – I’m investigating this point of fear, which I’m obviously automatically enslaved to because I’ve seen through my participation and observation how I have defined myself as a reactive response. It’s like watching myself try and adapt to a new ‘Processing’ System being developed within and as me.
During the day, here’s how it goes, I will access a point where I will through a memory association activate my imagination and within that a specific picture flashes within my mind, where I see myself as kind of floating.
Almost as if I’m waiting on myself. Waiting to catch up to myself meaning to Stop and breathe. The negative feeling experience happens quickly and I experience myself as if I’m being tugged between a negative energy and a positive energy. A tug-of-war where the tugging initiates waves of FEAR and then, like a finger pulling the trigger on a loaded gun,,,suddenly,,, Bang! There I am, Smack dab in a pocket of FEAr.
When that happens, when the trigger has been pulled, I suddenly realize how my physical body is assisting me to remember to STOP participating as I experience a moment of physical weakness which sends a negative energetic charge of doom and gloom throughout my entire physical body, and in that moment, it feels like the MONkEY on my back has just saddled in for a long ride,, until I finally take self-responsibility, I Stop participating, I Breathe.
The Physical Experience where I became weak, has happened only twice recently, and each time I’ve been able to effectively Stop myself from participating any further. . But I mean, this is just what I’m aware of, a reactive response which happens suddenly and unexpectedly and has numerous dimensions – all of which happens in a matter of seconds. Consciousness as our Mind is a MASSive preprogrammed system of reactive responses to self-responsibility instead of the ability to respond instead of reacting.
Thus I’ve been sitting with the fear so to speak, and investigating the common sense answers to my own questions…
When did I begin to accept this particular physical manifested consequense? ( I will share ‘when’ in a future post)
Will the biopsy result be a death sentence?
Will I be here this time next year?
What exactly is it that I really fear?
Do I fear losing my breath? As in taking my last breath… Is the IMage of myself taking my last breath the exact point of participation that is fueling my fear? Because obviously I have no Real idea what it’s like to take one’s last breath…
I have a memory associated with the fear of not being able to breathe. I once swallowed a couple of aspirins, which dissolved so fast that they somehow went into my windpipe which caused me to not be able to breathe, so my partner had to perform CPR. It took 3 times of chest compressions and I was turning purple when finally, I was able to breathe again…
Continuing…I’m realizing how what I fear is based upon negative and positive energetic experiences within and as Memories and according to what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as them in how I’ve accumulated myself through and as Thoughts/Pictures/Imagination/Backchat/Reactions and, What are the Consequences of how I’ve manifested them as here within and as my Physical Body???
As I continue to investigate, I realize that ‘ve been lying to myself – that what I actually fear is how I have defined myself and sentenced myself to exist as within the same fear that ‘I thought’ I saw within the eyes of my mother just days before she became deathly ill and died.
I believed I witnessed the exact moment when she gave up on herself, her Life.
What I didn’t realize then that I am realizing now, is that what I was seeing within her, was a reflection of my own fear of giving up.
Actually, I was giving myself a glimpse of my own fear of mortality, which is actually fear of taking self-responsibility for myself and for how our entire current world system exists as according to what I’ve accepted and allowed.
For awhile I wanted to give up on myself and any and all parts of this world as myself and I used my mother’s death as a reason to do so…
In doing so, I made many mistakes, including the damage I caused to myself as my Physical Body and the damage to my relationship with my partner – which I valued most and within that how I buried myself beneath self-pity and it’s accepted sorrow… So, again, I am facing the consequences of my decisions and subsequently additionally, facing the fears which were born when I chose to Not take self-responsibility for myself and our world as myself.
The bottom line here is, instead of participating in relationship to what automatically comes up within and as my mind, I Commit Myself to Direct myself to develop my self-awareness and move MySelf to Self-Directive Change – rather than the controlled change which I exist as now where I change from Characters and Personalities through my relationships with positive and negative balancing of polarities!