Tag Archive | father

Day 124: Hit and Miss

Today, my biological father called me. A man who I’ve barely known, yet, when I was young, I craved for and sought after his attention. He lives about 125 miles from me and I rarely if ever talk to or see him. Tomorrow is his birthday, he’ll be 75. He called to tell me that he is not doing very well and doesn’t believe he’ll be here much longer. We had a nice conversation and he handles himself with curiosity when I don’t agree with his belief in God and, he even agrees that Equal Money is the Solution for this World, though doesn’t see how we’ll ever get everyone to stop their greed to implement it.

I asked him after 75 years on this earth – what has he realized about himself, free from his beliefs. He admitted he had no idea how to answer that and then added how he’d lived a pretty decent life and that he guessed that was all one could ask for… Yes. I’m familiar with that point of acceptance that he spoke of, and I’m no longer willing to allow myself to be that.

When I hung up the phone, I saw how I longed for the days when all of my family was still here. I heard the backchat of thoughts within my mind reminding me how within the past year I’ve lost my brother, my sister and now my biological father is, as he put it, “on his last leg.” I wanted to just sit and reminisce about what used to be. However, I didn’t. I stopped. I breathed, and in self-honesty, I saw how my mind was looking for a feeling that a long time ago, I believed was me. I no longer accept that. Instead, I wrote the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto the urge to reminisce within a pattern of what looks to me to be one that I would describe as a ‘hit and miss’ – meaning: it’s like looking through dozens of photos and hoping to find one that is recognizable – wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to long for what used to be within a belief that was never real and how within my perception of and as my mind I dreamed of what could have been, thus existing within the hope for a relationship with a father that begins and ends within ‘dreams of what if’, within a memory/character of and as my mind – which was preprogrammed and downloaded into me from/of and as the mind of my parents, and the generations that have gone before me, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing that in the ‘miss’ I become the ‘hit’ that I perceive myself as, as that which I long for within a feeling to be special by a man that I never really knew, and within that, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce, I am basically sleeping with my eyes open, just like one does in REM sleep, wherein we ‘dream‘ about ourselves within our mind as elaborate storylines all the while ignoring what is real as our physical body and our physical reality, and, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce of/for what used to be, but wasn’t, and/or when I ‘reminisce’ for that which I never had in order to feel/experience that which I feared in the first place, how within that, I am actually using feeling and emotional energy charges to supply myself with what appears to be a reliever of stress, when actually, it creates stress unto my physical body while I ignore a point of suppression and where I’m adding fuel to the fire by creating scenarios within my mind to distract from facing responsibility for myself and for my world, thus depleting me as my physical body within the acceptance of that which isn’t real as the thoughts that suck the life from me as my physical body/flesh and bone through my own participation within/as and during the madness of reminiscing in and as my mind as consciousness, therefore, I forgive myself for the desire to escape to the past within and as my mind as the memories/characters thereof and thus live my past as my future as the here within this moment.

When and as I see myself longing and reminiscing for/of what never was, and/or what used to be, of/as what is ‘now the past’, I stop. I breathe. I see, realize and understand that the past is over and to participate within and as my mind of/as memories/characters, is to accept death unto me as my physical body where I cycle within the same patterns, lies, pain and false sense of security that I’ve always existed as. I am No longer willing to accept and allow the direction of and as my mind as consciousness. Instead I commit myself to direct me as my mind in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself existing within the desire to escape into and as my mind as the memories/characters of and as my past, I stop. I breathe and I realize that in every moment of breath I have the choice to decide to remain here breathing within and as what is real as my physical body and my physical reality or I can choose to participate within and as my mind which is exactly how and what is killing our physical bodies and physical reality, and I have realized this because I have proved this to/for myself, thus, I see, realize and understand the common sense in stopping and being the directive principle of me and through self-corrective application stopping that which is/has been the deadly game of life within and as humanity enslaved to a world/money system within cycles of abuse and death.

I commit myself to let go of/stop reminiscing within cycles of/as memories/character as how abuse is manifested/created against life.

I commit myself to breathe and move the energy through me and ground myself here within and as what is real as my physical flesh and earth.

I commit myself to show how together as a Group, we can manifest Heaven on Earth where All life is experienced in/as dignity according to what’s best for All.

Day 113: Sister Act

Sometimes, I miss my brother and sister. It’s been almost a year since my sister died and, my brother died almost 6 months after her. They were all that was left of my immediate “blood” family, and, within my mind, I perceived them as being the only remaining connection to/of my mom – who died 10 years ago. So, within this character of myself, as the “sister”, I feel sad and lonely. The strange thing is, within the feelings of sadness and loneliness, is an odd sort of comfort. How the hell is it that sadness and loneliness “feels” comforting? When I stop and breathe and look at how I experience myself within the “missing feeling”, I see that it’s not really about “missing them” as much as it’s about the character of my mind that is still existent within and as me as memories/thoughts/feelings and emotions – me as the ‘sister act character’ – is missing the conformation, the fueling of it’s existence. –

I forgive myself for not realizing how throughout my childhood years I was unconsciously/unaware of how I was creating, constructing and evolving into and as who I am and how and what I will live as my mind in the physical with the purpose/reason for my existence to be that of preparing myself to live out characters/memories of and as my mind as for example, the character of the sister act.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character/memory I enjoyed what I now see, realize and understand was a false sense of trusting myself in/as the ‘act of being a sister’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto the definition of myself that I’ve believed myself to be as that of/as a ‘good sister‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character I believed myself as special.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character I saw myself as ‘better than’ my sister and brother through comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as ‘being better than’ as the polarity opposite of ‘not good enough’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within judgment towards myself as ‘being better than’ my family, sister and brother, through seeing myself through the eyes of family through/as comparison thus, judging myself as being ‘better than’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to/as the character of/as the sister act as perceive myself as special because I was the oldest, thus, I perceived myself as holding some sort of power and/or control over my siblings which I took advantage of through how I judged, blamed and criticized them when they didn’t ‘act’ the way I ‘thought’ they should.

I forgive myself for not realizing how the year before their deaths – I avoided them because I didn’t want to face my responsibility in how I saw myself within the fear I perceived them to both exist as.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in the act of being a sister was the act of competing for the love of our parents and/or attempting to get all of our parents attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the ‘sister act character’, I long for the act of competing with my brother and sister for the attention and love from our parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve used relationships whether they were family and/or friends to further bring to life the characters I’ve existed within and as and of my mind in the physical, in order to materialize/manifest my own personal wants, needs and desires – wherein self-interest I have always put myself as my mind first and to hell with the effects of how in doing so I’ve caused illness and disease within and as me as my physical body and this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately participate in/as the sister act character in order to experience myself within a false sense of comfort that served only me according to what I wanted and desired as me as my mind of/as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate within what I now see, realize and understand was a ‘live memory’ which manifest in/as our mind in detail wherein the ‘live memory’ is possible due to the mind-physical integration, where within my mind I experienced a real time remembrance in/as a memory of my sister/brother and my mom – which further fueled how I was experiencing myself within and as the sister act character and within that memory activated a sub-character of/as the guilty character.

I commit myself to stop me as the character/memory/thought and emotional feeling of/as the sister act through breathing in/as self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself go into the sister act within feelings of comfort and within emotions of fear, I stop. I see, realize and understand that the memories/thoughts/feelings and emotions are set up within my mind as polarity equations of good/bad and positive and negative and are an outflow of emotional/feeling body energies and memories of which I’ve existed as within my mind as the mind of/as my parents. Thus, through self-corrective applicaton I breathe and stop All participation.

I commit myself to show how what we perceive as love between siblings is actually only memories/characters/personality suits that separate us from ourselves and life itself through self-interest and competition, and how in the name of love we keep characters alive that we live out in/as role-play in order to Not see, realize and understand that we are in-fact responsible not only for ourselves, but for All living beings and that we are here to stop who we are in/as fear and to stand up and become accountable to and as All life in supporting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show the extent to which we’ve been unaware within and throughout our accepted and allowed abdication of responsibility, in how we have lived as who we are as a Mind Consciousness System in using and abusing our physical body/reality and existence instead of coming together in Equality and Oneness as the directive principle of ourselves as our physical body and taking responsibility within and as everything and all of ourselves here in supporting all life according to what’s best for All.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to: Sub-Character Creation – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 113)

Day 64: Childhood Leg-I-see as Desire: Head of the Class

Today I was reacquainted through the internet with someone from my past that I’ve known since I was seven when I first started elementary school. Triggered within me were memories/ legacies of me as my past that I’ve continued to hand down as walking actions of myself which I’ve maintained since the beginning of me as manifested patterns of self-abuse, within a mindset that I can see I still exist as, hence, the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry in/as my legs as I’ve walked the path of/as the illusion of family values, where I’ve carried the weight of my past through/as the DNA of my mother and father and the ideas they existed as and believed in as the beautiful lie they told themselves in order to make it through the daily struggle within the survival system of/as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a living example of desire crossed in loneliness, where I wanted to be noticed and stand out and I didn’t really care what I had to do in order to achieve the energetic high of existing as the desired experience of/as my mind as being ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that to be loved is to be accepted and to be accepted is to be loved and within that I’ve sought self-validation and self-acceptance outside myself from others through experiences I’ve manifested of/for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my secret mind desire to grow up and be ‘better than’ my parents as a way of ‘getting back at them’ for that which I felt they were keeping from me, which within my mind, I believed it was the experience of ‘real love‘ that they were withholding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself within the starting point of desire where from when I first started school, all I wanted was to be ‘head of the class – the ‘special one’, the one that the teacher would see as the Best and ‘the ONE’ in which to follow in the footsteps of, thus, when I saw my teacher’s attention focus on someone else I became suppressed within myself in disappointment, disgust, anger and frustration because I depended upon the positive energetic charge I got when I received attention, because as all children I reLIEd upon and depended on the love and devotion received from immediate family, and, I directed mine towards authority figures within my life, because I sensed myself as void of that within my family, thus, I focused all my desires to/toward my teachers as the substitute fuel to somehow achieve that which I ‘felt’ denied of from my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize how even now I exist the same toward people I’ve deemed as special, and even as I write this I feel constriction as an inward pressure/pain and tightness within my chest area representing the point of devotion to family, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect who and how I’ve existed as within a point of FAMe wherein I desired to be INFAMOUSly regarded as the person to favor whether through inside or outside my immediate FAME-I-Lie.

I forgive myself that in my beLIEved manner of self-notoriety, I secretly existed in shame within my secret mind, NOT seeing, realizing and understanding that what I do in my mind has a consequence to everything and everyone within this reality and as such I created an alternate reality inside myself that manifested on the outside within my physical world as a negative experience wherein I was bullied and made fun of by the kids in my class which further perpetuated my already self made mind possession and sent me into an extremely isolated existence of myself.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how when I didn’t perceive myself as ‘fitting’ into my immediate family system as becoming the slave of my parents – even though I actually was – and how I in-advertently used what I experienced as a ‘lack of’ attention from my parents and imposed it upon those within my world that I saw as having authority and thus would then seek from them the teaching/knowledge/guidance as a way of seeking self-approval and self-validation as well as seeking to support and please others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to be caught within the polarity of good and bad and right and wrong to such a degree that I feared and suppressed any ability to actually express myself free from the opinions I was constantly forming within my mind with regards to who I would be and become according to how I felt I was obligated to act and behave as in ways which would be acceptable and approved according to the rules of my family, society and the world/money/survival system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my parents unconditionally while inside myself at the same time feeling and directing hate to/towards them – instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that is not my fault nor my parents fault for how I experienced myself because my parents experienced themselves exactly the same as I did because we’ve not yet as a family/society utilized the tools now available through Desteni I Process as being the practical supportive tools for family and life to actually stand up from within the abuse we’ve accepted and allowed from generation to generation as the sins of the fathers – to direct ourselves according to what’s best for All whereby life as we’ve known of/as ourselves will begin to change and we’ll welcome who we are as individual self-expressions.

I commit myself to forgive my way clear to no longer accept myself to separate myself through self-judgment where I create and manifest desires within myself thus manifesting and creating the same within my outer world as this physical reality, which I take self-responsibility for in supporting a world/money system according to what’s best for all.

Forgiving Living for a Fathers Love

fathersloveSharing here further self-forgiveness that I wrote after I completed a recent mind-construct in SRA…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the love of a father when it really wouldn’t have mattered who my father was because it only mattered who I thought and dreamed he was according to the enormous protective and often mythic man my mind offered as ideas of who and how a father should be and become toward their daughter according to the influence of my mind and the thoughts of others ideas of what it meant to experience self as being loved and adored by a father. I stop. I stand here within and as assistance from myself as my physical body breathing and I direct myself as my mind according to and as the Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the child gazing upon her father as he left for work wherein I thought only my daddy could look like that as I sat in amazement at how he looked all handsome with his pressed shirt and collar and I believed I truly loved him as much as he believed he truly loved his dollar according to the fear of survival imposed upon us all as humanity according to what we have accepted and allowed to exist within and as our current money system. I stop. I stand in self-honesty and support of an Equal Money System which will remove the fear of survival within our world and will begin to allow self-expression as who we really are to emerge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for the touch and closeness from a father whom I barely knew except in the deepest parts of me lost within my mind where no matter how hard I tried and cried he couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me as I believed with all my heart that I loved him while I fought feelings of rejection through emotional fears as if my heart was being ripped apart while I hoped for and dreamt and wondered what it would feel like to experience the daily affection from a father who would walk and hold hands with me according to the pictures I held within my mind where I longed to be held and hugged and told how beautiful and special I was just like one would see in a goddamn movie. I Stop, I realise this is a pattern of self-abuse and I see that it leads me in circles of self-denial. Instead I stand here according to a principle that considers all life Equally in all ways as I stand in support of an Equal Money System and World Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the root cause of discontent amongst myself and my parents according to the family construct existent here as mind consciousness systems wherein the starting point of fear of survival is compounded and accepted and allowed through our current money system which exists as abuse to and towards all living beings and wherein I defined and distracted myself according to the nature of enslavement because I believed I knew what love is – when love has only ever existed as consciousness enslavement according to and as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotional whims directed as the mind and lived in the physical as outbursts of reactions within energetic outflows. I stop self-abuse. I stand in support of an Equal Money System so that All living beings may thrive Living a Life according to and as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist according to and as the expectation and direction of and as my mind within an idea of how a father is suppose to treat their daughter according to and as my own manifested consequences wherein I was influenced according to and as my father behaved to and towards me as he reflected back to me what I was projecting onto him as who and how I was existing in victimization as I accepted and allowed the direction of and as my mind within a self imposed pattern of self-defeat and self-manipulation wherein I  accepted and allowed myself to be and became inferior and in fear of men. I stop. I breathe, remaining in awareness of all of us as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others in my family through my words, deeds and actions so as to not have to face the defects I believed about myself wherein I become angry and spiteful and participated within and as my mind of back chat thoughts toward my step dad as I continued to depend upon his actions and attention in order for me to perceive myself as feeling whole and complete all the while I projected blame through an implication game wherein I saw my step dad as the reason and cause for how I experienced myself within my world. I stop. I stand here in self-honesty as I face myself and my fears of what I have accepted and allowed – I stop self-abuse. I support all life according to and as The Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto to my reactions of and as hurt feelings of betrayal within the interpretation that my father couldn’t or wouldn’t see past his ideas – when I was in fact doing the same thing. I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see beyond his mind construct/behavior – not seeing where he was coming from wherein I did not take Equality into consideration as I too was stuck in my own mind construct/behavior, thus us both stuck according to the mind consciousness systems. I stop. I breathe. I direct myself here according to the Equality Equation as all Life here as I Stand in support of an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the definition of helplessness wherein I have depended on a man to provide and care for me and only felt safe in my world according to when I have the love of a man because of  my judgment of self wherein I reflected self back to self and created my experience of myself according to my own self-judgment within self-victimization as I attempted to manipulate and control my step dad according to a belief within my mind where I believed that my step dad was the most aggressive and dislocated dad in the world which further fueled the energy charging the self-abusive pattern I was existing as in order to validate myself, which was really validating myself as insufficient and/or incapable of becoming self responsible, thus believing and accepting that I had to have a man in my life in order to provide for me so that I could survive. I stop fear of survival. I stop the need for a savior. I stand here breathing as I support myself in self-honesty and direct myself as my mind through and as the assistance as me as my physical body and I stand in support of an Equal Money System – The Solution – stopping fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I was missing something when my friends spoke of their time with their fathers and so I dreamt of what that time would be like to where I trapped myself in my own version of a timed reality within and as my mind as I existed in polarity within and as my physical reality according to and as self-denial in which I was living as a self-definition according to the experiences I’d heard others speak of therefore losing myself to that which is real here within and as my physical body within and as this world according to the direction of my mind under the influence of and as a mind consciousness system. I stop. I support all living beings as I stand in support of an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the never ending seeking and searching for approval for love from my father and/or others as a way of not taking self-responsibility for myself in how my participation within and as my thoughts and my emotional feelings are/were assisting in creating suffering within and as our world as I continued to blame my step dad my whole life as I existed within guilt and fear of self, seeking attention within an illusion of comfort and safety wherein I would not have to face myself in self-honesty and take self responsibility for myself and/or others existing here within and as this world who are existing in and as pain and suffering. I stop. I breathe. I stand in support of an Equal Money System according to and as the Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for what I perceived he could/couldn’t and/or wouldn’t give/offer me as I didn’t realize that self-honesty comes from within self and within my perceptional search for self acceptance outside of myself I was only ever searching for myself within self-honesty. I stop. I begin here as I stand in support of an Equal Money System and World Equality – To End Abuse – To Support All Living Beings according to and as The Principle of Equality.

Support All Life – Support an Equal Money System

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