Tag Archive | enemies

Day 83: Searching for a feeling that I believe is me

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 82: Seeking for a feeling that I believe is me – –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within a particular position of defense where I align my position of defense according to how I manipulate and abuse others through my words and/or the way I move my physical body in order to achieve that which I ‘believe’ is rightfully mine as I search for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teeter to and from and within positive and negative points of polarity in/as a memory of feeling less than, and experiencing more than – where within that I will justify and manipulate others into giving me a false sense of meaning to reach that which I’m searching for as a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in searching for a feeling that I believe is me, situate myself within my own little world where everything revolves around me getting and possessing things for myself as I search for ways to secure and protect that which I believe will assist me in searching for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use me as my physical body according to lines of thought within my mind wherein I compete and seduce others through how I stand and move me as my physical body in order to get what I want, thus, I forgive myself for existing in/as inner dishonesty which I manifest within and as me as my physical body – where the outer me acts in character as the MEmory/personality and thoughts within and as the inner me as my mind as consciousness, as I search for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how I’ve become an automated system of actions within my search for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use me as my physical body for sex as a weapon against men in order to get my way to what I want which is to satisfy my search for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the extent of the damage I cause to my internal organs within me as my physical body when I participate within and as energetic experiences created in and as my mind in order to fulfill my searching for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as energetic experiences in how I participate within my world through/as and within my relationships in order to feel alive within a world where I’ve not only been branded in what and where to spend money to support the mess of what is here, but I’ve also been the one giving my seal of approval within my constant searching to feel good within our current world/money system – where I have stood by in ego and greed and accepted and allowed what is here to continue, instead of taking self-responsibility because in self-honesty, I see clearly how what is here, is Not how life is suppose to be, yet, I’ve sat quietly because, I’ve been searching for a feeling that I believed was me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how ego is a belief within my mind of those that have walked here before me, even as I’ve seen for myself – how I’ve taken the very nature of myself as my parents as their memories/characters/personalities/thoughts and fears, and added my own pictures, thoughts, and energetic experiences, and then, have the nerve to claim that I’m in control in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and evolve within my life from the starting point of ego as an experience where I have aligned and developed myself as my physical body within the context of evolving as a mind consciousness system, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go in search for a feeling that I’ve believed is me, where I took pride in specifying the experience of myself as energies of and as emotions and feelings without any consideration of what the consequences of doing so has had upon my physical body and our physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how ‘experience’, as that which I have believed has kept me going within myself and my world/reality, as the very nature of me in/as and of ‘experience’ – as that which is/has been filtered through me in/as my parents mind of/as memories/characters/ personalities – in how me as my mind, as consciousness, according to who I am as memories/characters/ personalities, in/as extensions of thoughts, in and as feelings and emotions, is actually only experiences that I have defined into and as energy.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog for further clarity)

to be continued

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Day 82: Seeking for a feeling that I believe is me

Today, I was able to stop myself mid-sentence – when hearing the insanity in/as my automated speaking – in asking my almost 2 year old granddaughter, if she had fun playing at her new babysitters house – which is where she just began going to the day before.

I stopped myself from finishing the question, I breathed and looked into her little eyes looking at me – I saw myself as the abuser in asking her to please hurry and be a memory.

It’s dishonesty, manipulation, self-interest, and, I can only describe it as seeking for a feeling that I believe is me.

I’m beginning to see/realize and understand how we participate in/as memories/characters/personalities in and as thoughts of/as our parents mind in/as our mind as consciousness. Thus, I Suggest reading Heaven’s Journey to Life blog for clarity to understand the nature of how we exist in/as memories/characters/personalities in and as thoughts of/as our parents mind in/as our mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become automated words in/as memories/thoughts/reactions of my parents mind where I as my mind as consciousness continue to subject children to Building a Child’s Character in/as the abusive nature of who we are as a humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through others seek for a reason and/or purpose, a place where I can find that I belong in order to locate a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through manipulation be willing to compromise the lives of others so that I’m able to fulfill a dependency upon experiencing myself as loved, needed and wanted as I seek for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to feel a dependency upon another within what I’ve referred to as love but is in fact dependency and manipulation seeking for a feeling that I believed is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to balance an unbalanced feeling within myself in seeking for a feeling that I believed is me in desiring to be the perfect child to my parents who I saw as less than perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my need for a feeling that I believed was me attempted to be the perfect daughter through pleasing and manipulating my mother so she would appreciate and love me the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be guided by a feeling of something more than a feeling to fill what feels like a missing expression of me as that which is Not of memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see/realize and understand that in/as my need to seek for a feeling that I believed was me, have not understood how we’ve only ever existed here in/as memories/characters/personalities as thoughts of/as the mind of our parents as who we are within and as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my seeking for a feeling that I believed was me, to disregard that which matters most as me as my physical body within and as our physical reality.

to be continued

Day 75: I will never do That again

A point came up today reminding me of the many personalities I’ve existed as within stating, ‘I will never do That again’. One in particular I was reminded of today, after having not smoked marijuana in a very, long time, I was triggered by a commercial on t.v., with thoughts of ‘lighting up’, and, it was if I could almost smell the shit.

The last time I spoke the words that ‘I will never smoke weed again, was the time before the last time that I smoked it, and eventually, I did smoke again. The last time I smoked it however, I didn’t speak the words, ‘I will never do that again’. Instead, I investigated the point slowly to see who I’ve been within the desire to smoke within my mind.

And, through applying self-forgiveness – and the tools of Desteni I Process – I was able to when the thought today to light one up presented me with a decision, it was an easy decision to Not participate and thus the decision of no longer smoking weed has become a very simple one.

Was a very cool point for me in realizing how effective walking this process is in changing one’s self from the inside out. I’m very grateful for the gift of self-forgiveness, and my decision to walk the Journey to Life, together as a group as Destonians, changing the world, beginning first with self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create personalities of myself with repeating condescending patterns, where when the energy of my descent as a particular character hits bottom, I will stand up within my fall and project the future of myself by becoming the, ‘I will never do that again character’.

I forgive myself for the countless number of times I have lied to myself and others as myself in/as a personality stating, ‘ I will never do that again’.

I forgive myself for the countless number of times that I have set myself up as a failure in/as personalities of, ‘ I will never do that again’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in/as the ‘I will never do that again’ personality’, to condemn, judge and feel guilty towards myself until finally, I repeat the very pattern I’ve just days before swore off of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in/as the ‘I will never do that again personality’ where within the promise of hope I create an alternate reality projection where I manifest and experience myself in/as an alternate reality only in my mind as consciousness, because there is No physical reality in a promise, only hope.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the personality of ‘ I Will Never do that again’ to go into to cycles of victimization wherein I substitute one positive energetic experience for another as a way of balancing the negative energy experiences where I’ve aligned myself in/as the thoughts and feelings of ‘great! I fucked up again, I am worthless’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how the personalities I exist as already have a delusional life before the physical application of/as me walks them into to action as movements of myself, because they first began within and as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand that in making the statement in/as the personality of ‘I will never do that again’, I am actually making the statement from the starting point self-dishonesty, because I’ve not actually taken a moment to look at who and where I am within my mind according to the actions I’m confirming myself within, in relation to what it is I’m stating that ‘I will never do again’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in/as the ‘I will never do that again’ personality, to not see/realize and understand how in walking as that personality – without completely walked the process of and as it, through and as my mind, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements – I have elevated myself into an egotistical state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the ‘I will never do that again’ personality, to make statements that I’ve not yet walked within my process in order to be able to stand as the words I’m stating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the ‘I will never do that again’ personality to actually be participating in and as energy and within that my words are nothing but empty statements of only talking – instead of actually physically walking self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and live up to egotistical statements of myself – instead of physically practically living who I am here within this moment in/as breath.

I commit myself to slow myself down and to stop making empty statements where I then put myself into scripting characters and personalities of myself without having investigated who I am within how and what I’m speaking as the words as who I am.

I commit myself to when I make statements of changing/stopping this or that, that I know exactly how it is that I am going to change, according to a practical physical application guideline for myself.

I commit myself to in self-honesty investigate how I’ve created me as my mind as the patterns, constructs, and characters I’ve accepted and allowed, to thus forgive, realign and redesign through a practical, physical living application as who I am, according to what’s best for all.

“A Personality is created from an accumulation of characters/similar characters that come-together and then manifested an entire person/personality that you physically live-out.” Sunette Destonian Spies