Tag Archive | dysfunctional family

Day 272: Woman to Woman

unite1I’m not sure exactly how old I was the first time I knew I wanted to be a woman that other women would refer to as tough.

It was around the time I was in the 6th grade,- and as it would happen, I would have the same specific thought pattern occur many times throughout my life – where within my mind, I believed I could ‘think’ my way’ to being ‘tough’. The thoughts were nothing more than a desire to be seen by other women as a woman who is ‘tough’.

I was serious about it to, and within my mind, in how I defined myself, came with it an energetic feeling that began around the top of my head and worked it’s way slowly down my physical body. It was like I experienced myself as giving myself some sort of mental armor.  Within that mental armor I pretended I could temporarily protect myself from getting my feelings hurt. It was  all about the energy and participating in certain thought pattterns kept a positive energetic experience seemingly intact.

This wanting to be seen as ‘tough’ came to be the way in which I would give myself a false sense of security until finally I began to notice how when I’d be in the energy of it my chest would somewhat stick out and my physical body would experience a stiffness. It was like being on guard within myself and border lining on paranoia.

This is a point I’ve been investigating as I seen myself recently unfold, so to speak. This when after 13 months, my daughter, her partner and my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter recently moved into a place of their own. It was the moment when they first left, and as they drove out of sight, it was like I saw myself finally let my guard down, and what I realized about myself was how since the moment they moved in, I became that ‘toughness’ that I’ve just been referring to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other women’s  opinions of me as being tough to be important because it gave me an excuse to keep my distance within the relationships, to never completely give my all for fear that if I give my all, I will be hurt, left alone in a display of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become focused on and tempted by the energy that came with the thoughts and feelings of believing myself as being tough and for how I overlooked the fact that what I was experiencing within myself was based solely upon the specific relationship that I was having within and as my mind and projecting it unto the relationships within my life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into that ‘tough’ person/character, I stop, I breathe. I see realize and understand that I am aware of the energetic/feeling that I get around the top area of my head right above my eyebrows as an indicator for me to Stop, Breathe,  Remain aware, to not allow myself to go further into and as the energy. To instead give myself the opportunity to change in the moment to one where I share an intimate moment of equality with another living being, where we see ourself in each other – within an otherwise awkward moment – to within an intimate understanding of each other as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand, that in keeping my relationships with others working as a character who is ‘tough’, keeps me focused on the illusion as the relationship with the characters within and as my mind – which ultimately keeps fueling my mind through energy fluctuations of positive and negative as the drama of hope and the feeling of love is played throughout the relationships that I’ve had not only with women, but with men as well, therefore,  I commit myself to redefine who I am within and as the relationship.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to the best of my ability, move myself to do what is required in order of me in order to bring forth a World/Money System that will function according to what’s Best for All.


Women to Women, Please Investigate The Basic Income Guaranteed

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

While I was sleeping the other night I had this dream, it had my mom in it. My mom passed away almost 11 years ago and after doing a Mother-Daughter Mind Construct through Desteni I Process some 2 years ago, I’ve not dreamt about her since. So this was interesting to have this dream because I rarely dream and so when I do, I’ve been able to use it to assist myself in my process. This particular dream assisted me to realize something while I was sleeping. Here‘s how:

In my dream, me and my mom were looking at stuffed animals, specifically stuffed animals that could electronically move which caused them to be especially ‘life like’. Now, when my mom was alive, she didn’t really care about owning a Real-Life dog or a cat, but she loved buying the toy like stuffed animals and would place them throughout her entire house.

It’s strange to look at this point with the memories of myself back then. I mean, at the time I was in love with how she collected so many knick-knacks, like stuffed animals and such. She created an environment that represented coziness and comfort for me within my mind. This was how I experienced myself in my dream,  I was Witness to how I was being comforted by my mom’s spending habits!  Comforted by the ‘things’ my mom collected. Her ‘pretty’s’ as she called them. For me, her collections, was like having one’s own game of thrones.

I saw how when I would walk into her house, I felt like the world wasn’t gonna eat me alive. I felt safe within the ‘idea in my mind‘ that ‘this is my mom’s house’, my home, and no matter how much I screw up/ fall, mom will always be here to pick up the pieces for me – to show me the way. As that, I didn’t know the first thing about taking responsibility for myself much less take responsibility for how our World exists.  When I investigate the ‘real’ relationship my mom and I had, it wasn’t anything like what my mind would have had me believe.

The reality was, my mom and I simply existed in personality designs as mother vs daughter. As we both got older, we found our place in each other through what we were both willing to accept and allow of ourselves  – the kind of acceptance where you hide within pretty words and pretty ideas, never looking deeper because you fear what you might see.  Our relationship had become a series of sweeping reality under the rug so to speak.  Never confronting the Reality of ourself and our world.  So for me this dream was All about showing me to myself and it was quite humbling,  because Everything about it was for me to see as an example of what it’s time to Let Go of.

Artwork By: Maya Harel
Equalmoney33Now this dream came about 10 days after Bernard Poolman‘s passing and it’s interesting because my relationship with Bernard had the obvious thing in common to the relationship I had with my mom in that, it brought me great comfort. Comfort in knowing Bernard Poolman was here and could always be depended upon.  I’d rather say that I didn’t make Bernard out to be a God, but, I kinda did.  I mean, he was the finest example of what a Human being can be as anyone I’ve ever been acquainted with.

So, to be clear, what I’m trying to say is, I see, realize and understand that there’s much to do here within our World. That what must be done here to make Life acceptable is more than any one human alone can accomplish. The fact is, it’s going to take us All to sort out all that we’ve accepted and allowed as what and how our World currently exist. I mean, thousands of children are starving daily and all we can think to do is to keep giving people tons of money to entertain us. That doesn’t make sense that a few should have everything while the majority have little to nothing.

This is what I realized while I was sleeping, that it’s time to Stand Responsible for the Relationship we have with Ourself and Each other.   To Stop living on time as emotions and feelings and reactions.  To Stop looking for Gods and Start Manifesting Heaven on Earth.

It’s time to support each other within the realization that this is our purpose for being here.  To come together and make sure Everyone has Everything they require for a Life of Dignity – that they’re able to Practically care for their Physical body and this Physical Reality.

We’ve got to Give to Humanity the Solution of What’s best for All and Replace our current Money System.

Let’s get it done…


“I commit myself to show that when the starting point is life equally respected in each other, the fundamental premise to give so that you may receive is immediately grasped to such an extent that irrational fear evaporates.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to restore the common sense trust in the physical reality that is the giver of life, to restore order in an irrational , illusory world of consciousness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to demonstrate the oneness interdependency between all parts of the physical realm that together form the body that is life through which we have been destroying the Earth, and our life will end and therefore we cannot continue to live as if we are separate of the real reality without permanent consequence.” Bernard Poolman


  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life


Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that changing me will not be enough to change the world as it will require the change of everyone, and that if I allow others to not walk the process to life, I submit my life to be imprisoned to their self-interest. Therefore, for my own freedom from abuse I must take self-responsibility automatically for every other human – in their face – until they realize that I will not accept them as my prison warden, and that I will not be their prisoner. I will set me as life free, no matter what it takes.” Bernard Poolman

I re-read this particular self forgiveness written by Bernard Poolman today,  and it dawned on me how I’ve been making my process so much harder for myself. I’ll share an experience that I recently had with one of my children to give an example of how I began to see this.

I was standing there talking with my oldest daughter, one on one, face to face. And, I began to realize how I was having difficulty looking her in the eye as we spoke to each other. I could barely do it. Why not?

confessions of a mom

Asking myself that question is when I began to see myself as this mom/personAlity.  It’s who I become when I’m with her.

God,  as I saw myself, all I could do was stand there and focus on my breath.

Focused on my breathing, I was able to see her in her eyes rather than judge her through the mirrors of my eyes/mind.  I saw in that moment that it was me I was actually judging even as I ‘thought’ I was judging her.

It was then that I realized I was seeing the epitome of my self, like a condensed version of myself and honestly, I didn’t want to see.  No wonder I couldn’t look her in the eye…

I didn’t want to look close enough to see me,  the Self interest I was existing in/as. I didn’t want to see the reflection in the pit of me as what I’ve accepted and allowed in not taking responsibility for myself/my relationships and for the shit storm our world is existing in.  It is not easy to see, to understand how all this has come about, but it’s necessary for me to face because ‘We’ as the World, We’re in serious trouble.

I began to see this as I stood there, and I realized that the very nature of who I’ve been as an automated version/personality of myself, according to who I have believed that I’m supposed to be when I’m around my daughter, my children, it’s not only become extremely uncomfortable for me physically – to try and be that –  it’s also, well, it’s absolutely dishonest and unpractical in every single way.

I see more clearly now than ever before that it’s time for me to put into Action my taking Responsibility for myself, taking responsibility for my Relationships, as well as taking Responsibility for how our current World/Money system exists.  Because the fact is,  I realize that I have Changed within myself thus, I must put that Change into action as who I am Supporting a World according to what’s best for All.

I am No longer willing to accept such a personality/automated character of myself as that which I become in the presence of my daughter/ my children/ my world, because I see, realize and understand with immense clarity that doing so presents absolutely no practical support for myself, for my children, nor for All Life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be what my child wants me to be and how that fear in itself is the result of my own dishonest behaviors, things I did, who I became in my search for an ‘idea’ about myself.

I commit myself to Stop the search for myself because it’s all been based on an idea within my mind when the fact is the search ends here as I am not lost, I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I judge in others as the values they give to how they look and how they act is actually  reflections of/as that which I have placed value in/as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self responsible means that I cannot expect anything less than to give unto All unconditionally that which I myself would want given to me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that within me I have changed thus I must now walk as the self corrective action to re-design myself in support of life giving to another as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to Not hold this against myself, to give myself the opportunity to change, to see, realize and understand that who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become will require strict self correction and self direction with a commitment to self that I am willing and able to provide for myself,  so that I will become self supportive of life itself,  beginning first with taking self responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to be in every moment, breath by breath.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the tools, tools that I accepted as the tools for/as Life some time ago through Desteni and Bernard Poolman,  tools that I committed myself to as I walk my Journey to Life, thus, I re-commit myself to apply such tools practically in every moment and to never forget who I am as living Responsible for myself according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to set me as life free, no matter what it takes, breath by breath.


“I commit myself to be the parent I must be with my children, so that they will result in the living flesh that is freely life in expression here on Earth.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to walk the time that is required to delete through self-forgiveness from my flesh the abuse that I have allowed the living flesh to become, and then to re-birth myself and gift to my flesh Life, as what is best for all Life, as the living participant, till this is done. Clearly stable, trustworthy, effective, and it results in a world changed to in every way reflect that which is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to prepare the way before all children to be that of life by confronting the accepted foundation as parenting of the world system as it reflects in education, religion, government, and all other systems that protect the current abusive parental system until parenting is in fact that which guarantee that in every way every child will always be educated to be that which is best for all life, and through this we will guarantee a world that is best for all.” Bernard Poolman


  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life


Activist’s Journey To Life

Clearing bondage

My step dad phoned the day after my brothers funeral and since I was still recovering from laryngitis Randy answered the phone and talked to him. It was a quick conversation and when Randy hung up the phone I immediately shared with him what back chat had occurred within my mind, and actually, I felt rather ashamed by it. My back chat was: ‘I bet he wishes it was me who just died instead of his son’. As I heard myself say out loud the words of my back chat, it was like I had just spewed out poison and I felt tears swell up within me which I immediately pushed away. I then became aware of how much I wanted to feel sorry for myself but instead I stopped and breathed and then I became aware of myself in anger and I immediately knew this was a point of bondage that I was allowing to exist within myself.

The anger I was a feeling was like something that seemed bound to happen but then there was fear, and the fear seemed to be shielding me from facing the actual point of my anger.

I can see how I’ve always manipulated myself and how I’ve been able to keep my distance from the sore spot, the core point of my anger and this is a huge point of dishonesty within me. It’s how I’ve kept myself bound to the family contract or construct within a sick set of guidelines I’d set myself into to keep myself caged within the consciousness mind of the family system.

When I remember myself as a child, immediately what I notice is a physical feeling within me like there’s a knot centered in the upper area of my chest, right between my rib cage. This makes sense considering the CHEST point represents our love and devotion to our family.

I know that I was suppressed of any expression of self and I remember being really quiet as a child, mostly because I believed that I had reason to fear expressing myself. Though, I see now that that wasn’t completely true. It was more like I learned to be quiet in the face of my own self deception.

As a child, I often felt like I was going to explode as I continued to stuff and suppress feelings of disappointment and frustration and at the time I didn’t know to bring everything back to self. Instead I blamed my parents for how I experienced myself and as such I remained stuck in a false sense of fear and now I see how that fear was really selfish and self interest driven because within it I justified and accepted my own manipulation techniques of self abuse and in accepting self abuse I was abdicating myself from life itself.

The word loathing comes up as a description of how I saw myself within my family life. I resisted my family and always felt uncomfortable and felt as if I was being watched and/or criticized. I felt like I always had to be acting a certain way when I was around my step dad in particular, and if there wasn’t something specifically going on then I wanted to escape into my room and be alone with my thoughts. I felt an odd sense of comfort within an expression of myself within my mind that I realized even then wasn’t real.

The relationship between me and my parents was conflicting and I blamed them for me getting pregnant at 16 and then having to get married because at the time I wanted to get the hell out of what seemed to me like a caged nightmare. I wasn’t abused or neglected and my family was not unlike all families where the sins of the fathers continue generation after generation, and where money is the center of and the root cause in adding to the madness within this world and our experiences that we refer to as living life. Even though I had moments where I claimed abuse the fact is, my childhood was about as normal as any mind consciousness system childhood in middle class America can be. Whether or not I was allowed to express myself to my parents is actually irrelevant, because the fact remains I suppressed myself in anger that I alone am responsible for.

I was angry at myself for not allowing myself to express who I really was and angry that I instead retreated into stories in my mind where I found assurance and where I found someone to understand me and like me for who I was even if I had to imagine the attention up, because at least for a moment I felt better. I was bored often as a kid and I see now how the boredom was really hiding points of suppressed anger.

Truth is, I was actually ashamed of how I hid from myself and my world as a child but I’m only just now realizing that shame. I had no acceptance of myself and I defined myself according to the pictures and stories in my mind and then I would judge the me I would see when I looked in the mirror because the mind picture of me and what I saw when I looked in the mirror didn’t look the same.

The anger that I’ve held onto has been ongoing cycles of a self-belief during experiences of energy wherein I manipulated myself as well as others in order to justify the experience I was seeking to have for myself while trying to avoid facing the consequences of having it.

And the anger towards myself was often very intense and seemingly unforgiving wherein I would not even enjoy the experience I had sought after because I would have back chat and thoughts of self hate and spite towards myself for what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within at the time. All of which were within various personality traits that I’d chosen to become at different stages and during various situations throughout my life.

The time frame of my anger was always influenced during experiences of myself where I felt enormous gilt and is where I would then redirect my anger towards society – in that I manipulated myself into believing that something was done unto me by another separate from myself and within that I shifted blame and projected anger directly onto another instead of realizing that I was allowing myself to be influenced when I didn’t fully understand the depths of my own dishonesty.

The guilt trips of anger were covered nicely infear as inferiority with bouts of pretending to be superior, but even then the anger always re-surfaced. And the point now that I see is that my anger has always only been me being angry with myself and as I continued to suppress anger because I wasn’t being honest with myself within certain areas and within specific points which existed within every relationship I’ve ever had.

I have much to face and walk through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. And, I realize more and more how little I know. What I do know for sure is that I can stop accepting and allowing anger as suppression and self denial within me. And, I can stop self abuse. In self-honesty, I am able to redesign and redirect myself free from back chat and repeating the sins of the fathers.

A fact that remains and can no longer be denied is how we now comprehend how to stop cycles of abuse as mind consciousness systems, and we can no longer deny that we are all responsible for how our world currently exists. So. we assist and support ourselves and each other to stop and forgive ourselves and direct ourselves in self-honesty and bring about a world that is life worthy for real and free from abuse.

We’re fortunate in that we have Desteni I Process to assist us in ways we’ve never known till now. And Life here can and will change and we’re going to bring about heaven on earth through an Equal Money System and we will not stop until it is done.

We Welcome anyone who is self-willing to stop abuse within this world to Join us @ Desteni Forum and on the Equal Money website
Stand with us in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the memories of myself in anger and fear as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the personalities I believed myself to be beginning from when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to anger toward myself which has kept me within a self belief which has resulted in a gloom and doom feeling of fear and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to a fear of dying the same death and my mother and my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger and fear as a catalyst for accepting a starting point of myself filled with poison within and and as my lungs within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me as my physical body through fear and anger to such a degree that the effects of my own self abuse caused neglect, abuse and separation from my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to propose a future result for me as my physical body through fear and family constructs designed through and as anger and resentment to and towards self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and dislike myself and who I was within my family as a personality design that I believed I had to become as a way of avoiding the anger toward myself for not allowing myself to express and be myself.

I forgive myself for the anger and fear that I accepted and allowed myself to become that I held onto as an ongoing cycle of self-belief and experiences of energetic personalities wherein I justified and manipulated myself to such a degree that I’ve often nearly scared myself to death causing physical disturbances within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear speaking and expressing myself because I feared that people would respond to my words the same way that I have in teh past responded to their words which was untrusting because I didn’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain self-centered and selfish trapped in my own little fearful world where I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see what is happening in this world because I remained self-centered selfish, angry and fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to what only serves me to the point where I hid from myself within my own little world directed by my mind as consciousness instead of stopping, breathing and directing me as my mind in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of anger and fear that I am now aware of, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself within the starting point of self-honesty in realizing that the anger and fear is not real and that what is real and matters is that all life is supported in bringing about a world that is best for all. I stand in serving support for and as all life until equality exists here for all and brings forth heaven on earth.