Tag Archive | drama queen

Day 124: Hit and Miss

Today, my biological father called me. A man who I’ve barely known, yet, when I was young, I craved for and sought after his attention. He lives about 125 miles from me and I rarely if ever talk to or see him. Tomorrow is his birthday, he’ll be 75. He called to tell me that he is not doing very well and doesn’t believe he’ll be here much longer. We had a nice conversation and he handles himself with curiosity when I don’t agree with his belief in God and, he even agrees that Equal Money is the Solution for this World, though doesn’t see how we’ll ever get everyone to stop their greed to implement it.

I asked him after 75 years on this earth – what has he realized about himself, free from his beliefs. He admitted he had no idea how to answer that and then added how he’d lived a pretty decent life and that he guessed that was all one could ask for… Yes. I’m familiar with that point of acceptance that he spoke of, and I’m no longer willing to allow myself to be that.

When I hung up the phone, I saw how I longed for the days when all of my family was still here. I heard the backchat of thoughts within my mind reminding me how within the past year I’ve lost my brother, my sister and now my biological father is, as he put it, “on his last leg.” I wanted to just sit and reminisce about what used to be. However, I didn’t. I stopped. I breathed, and in self-honesty, I saw how my mind was looking for a feeling that a long time ago, I believed was me. I no longer accept that. Instead, I wrote the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto the urge to reminisce within a pattern of what looks to me to be one that I would describe as a ‘hit and miss’ – meaning: it’s like looking through dozens of photos and hoping to find one that is recognizable – wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to long for what used to be within a belief that was never real and how within my perception of and as my mind I dreamed of what could have been, thus existing within the hope for a relationship with a father that begins and ends within ‘dreams of what if’, within a memory/character of and as my mind – which was preprogrammed and downloaded into me from/of and as the mind of my parents, and the generations that have gone before me, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing that in the ‘miss’ I become the ‘hit’ that I perceive myself as, as that which I long for within a feeling to be special by a man that I never really knew, and within that, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce, I am basically sleeping with my eyes open, just like one does in REM sleep, wherein we ‘dream‘ about ourselves within our mind as elaborate storylines all the while ignoring what is real as our physical body and our physical reality, and, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce of/for what used to be, but wasn’t, and/or when I ‘reminisce’ for that which I never had in order to feel/experience that which I feared in the first place, how within that, I am actually using feeling and emotional energy charges to supply myself with what appears to be a reliever of stress, when actually, it creates stress unto my physical body while I ignore a point of suppression and where I’m adding fuel to the fire by creating scenarios within my mind to distract from facing responsibility for myself and for my world, thus depleting me as my physical body within the acceptance of that which isn’t real as the thoughts that suck the life from me as my physical body/flesh and bone through my own participation within/as and during the madness of reminiscing in and as my mind as consciousness, therefore, I forgive myself for the desire to escape to the past within and as my mind as the memories/characters thereof and thus live my past as my future as the here within this moment.

When and as I see myself longing and reminiscing for/of what never was, and/or what used to be, of/as what is ‘now the past’, I stop. I breathe. I see, realize and understand that the past is over and to participate within and as my mind of/as memories/characters, is to accept death unto me as my physical body where I cycle within the same patterns, lies, pain and false sense of security that I’ve always existed as. I am No longer willing to accept and allow the direction of and as my mind as consciousness. Instead I commit myself to direct me as my mind in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself existing within the desire to escape into and as my mind as the memories/characters of and as my past, I stop. I breathe and I realize that in every moment of breath I have the choice to decide to remain here breathing within and as what is real as my physical body and my physical reality or I can choose to participate within and as my mind which is exactly how and what is killing our physical bodies and physical reality, and I have realized this because I have proved this to/for myself, thus, I see, realize and understand the common sense in stopping and being the directive principle of me and through self-corrective application stopping that which is/has been the deadly game of life within and as humanity enslaved to a world/money system within cycles of abuse and death.

I commit myself to let go of/stop reminiscing within cycles of/as memories/character as how abuse is manifested/created against life.

I commit myself to breathe and move the energy through me and ground myself here within and as what is real as my physical flesh and earth.

I commit myself to show how together as a Group, we can manifest Heaven on Earth where All life is experienced in/as dignity according to what’s best for All.