Tag Archive | decision

Day 279: When you say nothing at all

Wanting to blame my partner for how I experience myself is unacceptable, but I want to nonetheless. The thoughts in my head tell the story of how “he” doesn’t have anything to say to me that hasn’t been said a hundred times before. And the thought that comes forth from there is ‘that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for 22 years’.  As I continue to investigate I realize there’s really something else going on…

When I participate in specific thoughts, an energy arises from within me that begins in the pit of my stomach and ever so slowly moves upward toward my head region. For a moment there is a slight energetic excitement and I realize how within my mind, I want to say something to my partner. I want to tell him how to be and how he should act toward me. I want him to validate me so I can stop ‘feeling bad’ about myself and I mean, how strange is it really to desire such attention and control over another person…

As I stop and breathe,  I realize I’ve been here before.  The experience of self pity is a negative emotion and as I investigate deeper I see how I feel physically and mentally tired – which makes sense considering how when I participate in certain thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t he say something’, how that stimulates and or triggers the emotion of self pity which in itself seeks to reach for some kind of self validation.

why do i feel so badThe thing is, self pity keeps me stuck in a pit within myself. It’s like a pit stop within where I hold myself within a sort of a gut wrenching fear. The fear to look on, to investigate who I am, to continue to READ the story, My Story. To see who I am within what I’m accepting and allowing within my fear to face All of me. As I continue to investigate I am able to see where and when I began to ‘feel bad‘…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being the reason for me having a negative experience of myself when what’s going on within me actually has nothing at all to do with how my partner is or isn’t behaving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not always the emotion of self pity that is the source point but actually the outflow consequence of the actual source point which is the ‘feeling bad’ emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship with myself wherein I attack myself within my mind within self judgment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to self judgment as the thought comes up about myself of, ‘I’m not living up to my full potential‘, and for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘feeling bad’ emotion through participating in thoughts of self judgment which activates the’ self pity emotion’ and for what follows, which is ‘when’ I begin to seek validation, attention and / or recognition from someone and /or something outside myself such as in this instance, where I began to project frustration and anger to / towards my partner.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are self judging, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to see this as a red flag for me to know it’s time to direct myself, to in self honesty investigate what it is that’s coming up within me that’s creating the ‘energy of feeling bad’ which is actually using my own mind against myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I manipulate myself through self judgment and self pity, what I’m doing is reacting to my own mind, where I use whatever thoughts necessary to distract myself, even if it means blaming others, just so long as I don’t have to face who I am as the story and the characters/personalities that I have lived my entire life as.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself as Life through self judgment, manipulation, blame and self pity.

I commit myself to remain aware of and so Stop abusing myself deliberately through self judgment, which activates feeling bad emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, which leads to the self pity energy.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how to stop and change my relationship to self pity through stopping my participation in the ‘feeling bad’ reaction moment within myself.

I commit myself to utilize my memories as reference points to find when and where and why and towards who or what is it that the ‘feeling bad’ energy keeps activating from and ultimately producing the self pity energy.

I commit myself to let go of the energy of feeling bad and self pity.

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“I suggest, if you can Find it in you – you’re going to have to Look Very Deep to Find this: That you DO STOP, and Start your Process. It is Inevitable. You’re not going to get Away. There is No place to Hide. Every Single Energy, Every Single Thought, Every Single Thing you have EVER, in ANY WAY Conceived – leave a ‘Mark’, in your Book of Life. Make sure – it’s Worth Reading. Because, if it’s Not: There’s going to be a Consequence, and you can’t just ‘Wipe it Out’. You can Only take Responsibility for it through Self-Forgiveness, and from that perspective ‘Delete it’, in as much as, it will No Longer be the ‘You’ that will Create the Future – but, it will be the ‘You’ in the Past. And therefore you will Live in the ‘Present’, in every Moment – Living, Presenting, Being part of That which is Best for All, Always, which is what “Present” encompass, the HERE.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 31: Abandoned Animals

Today on our way into town, we drove past a dog who looked lost and confused, and more than likely, he’d been dumped and left without food or a home. We live out in the country about 15 miles from the nearest town – and unfortunately, it’s common for people to drive down a country road, dump their unwanted pet and then leave them. As I asked myself how in the world can people do such a thing, I remembered a time years ago, when I did the same…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive down a country road and leave a dog by a nearby house in hopes that he would find his home with them because I was no longer able to take care of him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the reason of money as the why and how come that I’ve not taken self-responsibility and self-accountability for my actions and for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for the living environment in how other livings beings experience themselves within our current money/world system, including those who abuse for the sake of profit and/or abuse because of self-interest/ignorance and a lack of accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to adopt and/or purchase an animal just to make myself feel happy and/or as a way of entertaining myself and then not taking self-responsibility for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to please myself first and thus because of my negligence my animal paid the price as the manifested consequence of my lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the proper care in seeing to it that my dog didn’t have more puppies and thus putting the mother dog and her puppies in jeopardy and myself in the position of not being able to afford to feed them and thus I forgive myself for being irresponsible and taking life for granted within a world that values profit over life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a money/world system which seeks to comfort the nature of the human no matter the cost to the animal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the human on a pedestal and see the animal as less than human.

Art By Garbrielle Goodrow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger to be me as I see myself within a world where living beings are used, abused, mishandled, misguided and left to die all in the name of money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refer to life as ‘free’, when in fact life is struggle, life is pain, life is money, and without it/money, life is left to starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that every living being have their own purpose and/or part within existence thus, to support every living being is to support all of existence.

I commit myself to creating a system where all living beings are no longer dependent upon money to express themselves as life.

I commit myself to bringing an end to life here on earth lived by the human mind as consciousness and instead support heaven on earth as the expression as life.

I commit myself to being aware of and supporting a system that sees/realizes and understands the uniqueness and individuality of all living beings within this existence in self-honesty.

I commit myself to considering and walking in/as the shoes of another, including those who walk life furry footed, footless and/or those who walk with wings and therefore, I commit myself to supporting an Equal Money System which recognizes that none are free til all are free.

I commit myself to supporting an Equal Money System to bring forth Heaven on Earth which will accept, allow, regard and respect each and every single living being in/as their full physical expression.

“I commit myself to call on all activists to reinvestigate their true support, so that those that realize that change is necessary can align themselves with practical solutions if they can get past their ego of self-interest and acceptance of the current system.” Bernard Poolman – Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 30: The Decision