Tag Archive | control

Day 128: Fear Factor

Today I became aware of how I was existing in fear as I was talking to and scheduling an upcoming appointment for myself. Thus the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself for not realizing how through love and friendship I have created my own illusion of ‘feeling’ safe and happy – where momentarily, I perceive myself as no longer feeling alone and lonely – instead of realizing how I have accepted and allowed the perception of myself to willingly participate within energetic experiences where I believed myself as having lived a life that was happy, safe and fulfilled according to the illusion I created through love and friendships – how I failed to recognize that I sabotage myself through undermining the cause of/as who I am in hiding in shame of/as the fear of being alone and the fear of others, thus, I forgive myself that I have through and as memories/characters and personalities participated in/as thoughts within my mind, as well as internal conversations/backchat and energy experiences as reactions of emotions and feelings through my physical behaviors – which change in how I interact within my environment according to the people I come in contact with as I maintain a sense of survival within this word in how I’ve accepted and allowed Money to be the Number One motivating Fear Factor and, within that, I forgive myself for not realizing the extent of how I developed and maintained myself as Ego, Greed and Self-interest in order to reach a level of functionality, thus, I see, realize and understand how fear is the motivator within how and why our world exists as hell on earth and how and why I have chosen to ignore who/what I have existed as within my secret mind because as my mind, I feared change, because real change requires that I change from within, thus, I forgive myself for not being completely willing to give up that which I use as entertainment, which I use as a way of avoiding facing my responsibility in how our world exists, and I see how I have existed within resistance to change because I didn’t want to upset the character I perceived myself to be even as I see the cords of slavery dangling within the discord of and as life, and within that, I forgive myself for not realizing how I have blamed, judged and projected myself in/as the characters of/as my mind onto others to reinforce the fear within me as them being the reason for my constant internal fear of loss, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing how all separation is fear of loss and is what keeps us enslaved to/as the direction of/as our mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to stop existing in fear of loss and for how I’ve used fear to become characters and personalities to take on roles of falling in love and friendships to boost me as ego in order to further fuel my own illusion, to avoid facing me within what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist according to the abuse within and as our current world/money system – thus, I commit myself to breathe and stand in Support of an Equal Money system, to assist us to Support Each other to see, realize and understand that fear only exists when we are participating within and as it as our mind as consciousness.

I Commit myself to walk in self-honesty, to unravel who I am within the totality of and as my mind as consciousness – to stop manifesting more and more of the mess we exist within, as fears and dishonesties – to be responsible for how the world/money systems of this world exist as and to Stand up and Change me through self-corrective application, to thus support a system which supports a World according to what’s best for All.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Enlightenment is the Justification Used to Protect the Greed of Happiness as a Value that Must Be Pursued Regardless of Conditions Caused By the World System, because the Enlightened Make themselves Believe that the Physical World is an Illusion, But the Enlightened will Not Test their theory through Embracing Poverty by Living WITHOUT Money, and In fact Do Just the OPPOSITE and Focus on Accumulating More Money to Protect themselves Against the REALITY of Poverty.” Bernard Poolman

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that FORGIVENESS is a Gift Given to Self to bring an END to the Illusion of a MINDSELF that is a Self Created Illusion, as Energy Presented as THOUGHTS, Feelings, and Emotions.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 127: The World Revolves Around Me Character

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the perception of myself within my head region as a mind consciousness system, I exist as one who has been so lacking in self-trust and within the inability to take self-responsibility, that I have lived my life insisting and demanding and crying out for the world to see me, notice me, love me, and above all else, revolve around me and me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a character of/as my mind have desired the world to revolve around me and within that have become a master manipulator in order to satisfy my minds perception of control through abusing others in order to ensure that those within my world will see me as I desire them to see me as an object of their affection/attention to thus further my desire to control who I am within ‘the world revolves around me character.

I forgive myself for not realizing the extent of my fear when looking within myself to the loss of image when asking myself who will I be and how will I act if I’m not noticed and loved by someone/anyone and how within that I have neglected the necessary adjustments and upkeep of me as my physical body in fear that if I change and/or don’t change certain physical attributes of my physical body that I may then be seen as less desirable and thus my perception of how my world must revolve around me will change and I’ll become a feared version of/as a character of myself as nothing more than the girl interrupted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat within my mind to continue as the words of: ‘I am better than her/him’, so why am I not being seen first’ – where within myself as those words, I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as ego and spite and, when I look closer, I see that I am actually attempting to gain the attention of myself – to hear and see how the loneliness and frustration that I have existed as is the direct result of seeking approval and validation outside of myself which only leads to a simulated version of myself, where I’m never able to reach a point of fulfillment, thus, I see, realize and understand that life is not about being ‘filled up’ with/as more, but is instead about slowing myself down and breathing, to be a living expression that is not revolving, but that stands firm as an equal and one awareness in full commitment to remain standing as support for/as a world according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being patted on the back for a job well done wherein I am praised and honored for supporting those who are less fortunate, and within that, I see, realize and understand that it’s always been about how to ‘make myself feel special’ and/or to make myself look better than others which is just another way of stroking my ego, thus always trying to replace a negative experience of myself with a positive experience and within that remaining in separation from myself and abdicating myself from life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of and as my mind to such a degree that I have acted as though the world revolves around me in how I’ve been lost within my mind of/as reactions of getting attention from others, where within my solar plexus it would feel as if there were butterflies as I experienced ‘feeling excited’ for being noticed, and how within that, I failed to consider what others were struggling with as they’ve fought to stay alive within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself for not realizing how when I exist as if the world revolves around me, that what I am really doing is accepting and allowing the worst case scenario to manifest for all life here on earth, because I see, realize and understand how it is through ego, self-interest, hate and greed that we are creating for ourselves a world full of and subject to that which we fear the most as the cancers of life and death.

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the characters which I become in order to fuel and ignite experiences first thought of within my mind as consciousness, how within that I’ve Not noticed the untold stories of abuse that exists within every walk of life here on earth, and how the reasons of my Not noticing the depth of despair being lived within our world is because I’ve only been interested in myself as my mind and how within my self-interest and greed I have forsaken that which matters the most as that which is real as our physical bodies and our physical world/reality/existence.

I commit myself to Stop filling myself up within and as an egotistical and manipultive perception of and as my mind to thus stop accepting and allowing myself as a character thereof to lead me into temptation to become of and as ego to such a degree that I am unable to see who I am as my physical body as that which supports me to remain here within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop the fear that exists within me to/toward change and to instead face who I am in self-honesty free from fear within an idea of myself as the girl interrupted and according to a character of/as my mind where I have existed within a belief that my world must revolve around me and thus why I have sought self-glorification for nothing more but to fuel my mind as consciousness within a point of ego, self-interest and greed, instead of standing equal and one with and as my mind, and directing myself within and as and according to that which will support a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop who I am as ego and to instead walk a self-corrective process of realizing myself here free from energetic charges of and as experiences, to thus then become willing support for a system that will support our world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to investigate what it’s like to walk in the shoes of those who have no home to relax in and no clean water to replenish their physical body and within that I commit myself to show others the extent of the abuse that is experienced daily by thousands who are silently trying to make it through another day.

I commit myself to becoming equal to and one with my mind.

I commit myself to me as my physical body and our physical reality, to investigate and educate for myself how an Equal Money System is the Solution that will provide complete assistance and support in order to sustain Life on/as Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for All.

Day 123: God’s Will Is A LIE

After an evening with my partner, watching a movie, the following Self-forgiveness was inspired while hearing the numerous ‘praise & worship’songs scattered throughout the movie.

I forgive myself for not realizing how what I was looking for – when I submitted to the character of and as my mind as the ‘take me just as I am mindset’ – was that of hope in something greater than the perception I had of myself, thus, I pretended to not see the bloodshed of thousands upon thousands who suffer and die daily as I justified death as “The Will of God“, because the fact is blood is shed in our acceptance of our world/money system which glorifies profit over that which is real as our Physical Body and our Earth as this Physical “Reality, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the love of God made me ‘special’, ‘just as I am’, not realizing that when Man speaks, God speaks, because “The Will of God” is “The Will of Man”, as the creator of our reality, as the choices we accept and allow.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the lamb of God was like a guilt offering that I sought for to relieve me of my own guilt for abdicating myself from life within the beLIEf that “The Will of God” would redeem me from that which I feared the most which was me as my mind as consciousness, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing that “The Will of God” is actually the will of the mind as consciousness and another word for ownership and possession wherein our secret mind we allow ourselves to manipulate relationships to gain more money as possessions within feelings and emotions and experiences where we boost our ego and then refer to what we accomplish as “The Will of God.”

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I praised “The Will of God”, I was actually praising the illusions of and as my Mind and desensitizing myself to the reality of how life exists within an abusive world/money system and as long as I accepted “The Will of God” as real, then I could momentarily avoid facing myself and my responsibility, and for awhile I was able to avoid myself and ignore the suffering and pain of others, until one day I could not, thus I see, realize and understand that eventually we can no longer run from that which we are, and inevitably we will have to face who we’ve become as our mind as ego, self-interest and greed, thus to see little by little how everything we’ve ever believed in, has been a LIE, and we let go and we Stop and we breathe. We forgive ourself and we realize that we can no longer live the Lie, thus, I commit myself to stop fighting for Life and to instead Support Life in Supporting Equal Money.

I commit myself to have the courage to live self-honesty and to show that if I’m able to stop and face myself and support a world according to what’s best for All, then anyone can.

I commit myself to Stop “The Will of God“, which is Man as Greed, Self-interest and Ego, and to show how the only valid purpose for being here is to establish a world that is best for All Life in All ways.

I commit myself to show how the lies we’ve taught our children – including those with regards to “The Will of God” – throughout our history enforces reactions to fear and survival and how in an Equal Money System children will be taught common sense life skills according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show how when profit is taken out of the equation and we produce goods and services within the starting point of what’s best for All life, including nature, animals and our physical reality of/as planet earth, we’ll see how with Equal Money – there will never be a reason for anybody to suffer at the hands of profit and/or self-interest and greed.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money will for the first time in the History of Man provide effective support for our Physical bodies and our Physical Reality.

I commit myself to show how the “Will of Self as Life” wherein All Life exists according to that which is Best for All is the Desteni of MANKIND.

“I commit myself to show that Jesus understood the Word as Life as Living flesh, but also understood that the Human was Not Ready to Realize until all is Lost, and the End of Life is Certain. We have Reached that Time – and Each will Face a Final choice which will be proven as the Living Flesh and Only those as the Living Flesh that Live what is Best for All Life as Neighbours, will enter Life.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 116: The War Within in the Name of God

Realizing the nature of my war within. Thus, the following self-forgiveness. – –

I forgive myself for all the times that I accepted and allowed myself to make choices and decisions about going to war against other countries, land and people based upon my belief of and in the name of God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the destructive nature of and as the secrets of my mind to be that which has consumed and directed me to such a point that I wonder if I even have the right to refer to myself as a living being whose only ever existed within and as war while never questioning the real nature of War in the Name of God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a living expression of war within myself in the Name of God, wherein self hate and fear I surrounded myself within and as lies I told myself about a God who only ever existed within and as my mind as consciousness – where I pretended my belief in a God made me feel better, when it actually didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a human while I followed and acted like others using words like hope and faith in the Name of God and never actually expressed who I am in self-honesty within and as a living physical expression of tenderness and compassion as that of being humane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sympathy for others within the starting point of casting impressions from/as characters/memories/personalities of and as my mind within the starting point of fear of survival in fearing the despair of another may fall upon me as I ran from the War Within in the Name of God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed within and as my mind in filling my own wants, needs and desires that I didn’t want to stop and see how in the name of God is how war within begins and manifest into and as our world.

I forgive myself for not realizing what those in war have to actually live and become as a living expression of evil in order to physically kill others just to fulfill the demands of those of us who say we require defense in the Name of God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my support of wars to kill other human beings in the name of God, all the while not realizing how/what the acceptance of such an allowance is creating and manifesting within me as my physical body and our physical reality.

I forgive myself for not realizing that money is the light of God on Earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to warship in the name of God those who manipulate from the starting point of their own war within in order to profit in/as power of money above life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the Name of God beLIEve that I’m not responsible for the wars within this world, that I’m innocent, when in-fact I am responsible for accepting and allowing it to continue while I quietly ignore it as I go about my daily life in/of and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that our problem is the very nature of ourselves as our mind as consciousness – which is the God we’re actually beLieving in as being real – as we accept and allow ourselves to be directed as it, and enslaved to it through our world/money system – instead of seeing realizing and understanding, that it is I who decides who I am. It is I who decides to direct me according to what’s best for All – to hell with the War within in the Name of God – because through writing and self-forgiveness, I am able to see who and what I can become and walk as, in self-honesty, thus, I commit myself to creating and manifesting a world where life on Earth is a living expression of equality and oneness as Heaven on Earth according to what’s Best for All.

I commit myself to show how in the Name of God we as a humanity have Never taken self-responsibility for ourselves and for how our World exists.

I commit myself to show how in the Name of God we have forsaken that which is real as our Physical Body and our Physical Reality.

I commit myself to show how in the Name of God we lie, cheat, steal and kill our neighbors just so we can be and have more.

I commit myself to show how in the Name of God we live out our Fears of Survival, and then we Die.

I commit myself to show how in the Name of God we have never known who we can be in and as Self-Honesty and Self-Trust.

I commit myself to show how we Can Forgive our selves through Self-forgiveness

I commit myself to show that humanity requires real compassion and tenderness through first providing support for our Physical bodies and our Physical Reality through an Equal Money System.

I commit myself to show how in One moment, Everything can and Will change with Equal Money because Every Single Living Being will be Provided for – No One will ever again be left behind.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money provides life support for every newborn child where No child will ever again starve to death.

I commit myself to show how we have never required a God to manifest and create that which we are capable of with Equal Money.

I commit myself to show how with Equal Money – All WAR AND FEAR OF SURVIVAL WILL END – Imagine That…

I commit myself to life in supporting a System of Equality where Life becomes a Living Expression of Love as Giving to All that which you would like to Receive.

Day 109: For the Love of God

I reacted today to a comment I read on face book about putting one’s ‘faith in God’ – thus the following Self-Forgiveness. – –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and others as myself all the while existing within and as a memory/character of and as my mind within the beLIEf of ‘the Love of God‘.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my children to believe the same lie, where I taught them to have faith in someone, (God), outside of themself instead of taking responsibility for themselves and their world because I perceived ‘the Love of God‘ was easier than facing the lies of/as self.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the beLIEf of the ‘love of God’ never question how it is that we’ve come to accept and allow a world/money system that only shine’s it light upon those who are rich, without seeing, realizing and understanding the polarity equation that when there are rich, there has to be those who are poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek shelter from myself as my physical body within and as memories/characters and lies within and as my mind in believing in ‘Love’ and/or the lies of there being a ‘higher power‘ and/or ‘For the Love of God’.

I forgive myself that I have lied, reacted to others, and run away from myself for my whole lIEfe, hiding in and as anger, sadness, sorrow, guilt, remorse and self hatred, where I have feared even communicating because of how I experienced inner emotional conflicts and suppressions and, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the BELIEF in the Love of a God to be responsible for and take care of my life because I feared facing me in self intimacy – so much so that I accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed by life and thus betrayed by ‘The Love of God – and, I see, realize and understand how betrayal is that of blame, wherein, ‘For the Love of God‘, I conditionally placed faith, trust and responsibility of myself and my life within the ‘hands’ of another (God) – where I literally submitted myself and my life over to another (God) – where in separation from me as who I am as my physical body within and as our physical reality – I allowed myself to LIE to myself, and thus abdicated myself over to the care of/as a perception in/as my mind in giving permission for ‘the Love of God’, to ‘handle’ my life – instead of me taking self-responsibility for my own life and my life experiences – thus, when my life hasn’t gone as I’ve ‘hoped’, I’ve felt betrayed because of how I conditionally placed faith and trust and responsibility for me and my life over to and for ‘the Love of God, and, within that, I have accepted and allowed myself to react and exist in/as anger – I stop. I Breathe.

I see, realize and understand how me as anger is only a symptom of my own betrayal because I didn’t take responsibility for my life and for how I experienced myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which I was actually experiencing within myself in how I was blaming my situation and my experience of myself on my parents, my world and society as a whole – blaming others for my own betrayal and deception because I perceived in/as memories/characters of/as my mind that it’s easier to blame someone else separate from me for my life experiences than to take self-responsibility for what it is that I have actually been experiencing within and as me.

I commit myself to show how no one is ever able to betray and/or deceive me except me.

I commit myself to show how self actually knows that self uses the belief in a God to Not face self and take self-responsibility for what self has accepted and allowed according to what and how our world/money system exists in keeping us enslaved to/as our own fears.

I commit myself to show how through writing, self-forgiveness and in self-honesty, one is able to Stop the fear and thus, Stop the Lie as the belief in a God and/or the Love of God.

I commit myself to show how through self-corrective application one is able to Stop fear and walk in self trust in supporting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to see, realize, understand and thus show how our world is a reflected manifestation of that which exists within and as each and every single one of us, and how we are individually responsible for how our world/money system exists, thus, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application we are each able to live, express and apply ourselves in taking self-responsibility for our world in creating Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for All.

(Please read: Day 106: Living the Lie for further perspective.)

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that another Lie is to Deliberately Disregard Physical Evidence as to the History of the Earth and to Promote the Lie of Religion based on the Premise that because the Origin of Life is Not Grasped, it must Come from Some Higher Power, and in One Foul Swoop, the Existence and Allowance and Acceptance of all the Lies as the Weakness of Human Character as that which tends to Lie and Deceive, is Justified and taught to every Child as if it is the Gospel truth – and anyone trying to Question the Lie, is Made out as a Liar, by Spreading Lies and Gossip, because it is Understood that because the Human lies all the Time, the Human will accept Lies as truth and truth as Lies – so, the Big Lie is Safe.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 74: Character: Delusion of Nobility

This is a continuation to: Day 73: Queen of my Castle – –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devise for myself a script derived from within a belief of self grandeur, born of jealousy within the illusion of controlling others, beginning first with my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want and desire from my parents ALL of their attention, thus, I attempted to defend and protect our relationship by trying to control them within the context of how I wanted the relationship with them to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a character of self grandeur to allow control and jealousy to completely take over how I experience myself within all of my relationships, where I have sought to validate my pre-conceived idea of how I want the relationship to be, thus, I seek to be the most important being that the other being is having a relationship with, and wherein my attempt to control, I become jealous of other beings that may threaten my desire, want and need according to how I have intended the relationship to be within my illusion of control in/as a character of self grandeur, as I constantly try to fulfill my wants, needs and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and victimize my step dad within my mind in order to validate myself as insufficient and/or incapable of becoming self responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and a burden upon my parents, thus, I projected blame and frustrations unto them in malcontent and then chose to escape the reality of my physical reality, and hide within my mind as a character in/as the delusion of nobility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a character of self grandeur to believe that if I have a relationship where my wants, needs and desires are fulfilled, then I control that part of me and thus am fulfilling my own illusion of control and jealousy, not realizing that the point within it all which is my relationship within and as the polarities of superiority/inferiority.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be of noble blood wherein I defined the word noble as who I was and believed that I as such had special abilities to assist others to see what they couldn’t see, thus validating myself within a personal mind reality of my own making, of /as a delusion of grandeur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing picture presentations of myself within my mind which through my participation in/as them assisted myself to continue acting as a character of/as self grandeur, in/as separation from life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind seeing myself as a larger than life character with delusions of grandeur whereas I constructed a self portrait of my own self-betrayal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand how who I am as a character of my mind as thoughts and memories of me in/as my past, dictates who I am as my future as me here within this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise who I am as my behaviors, mannerisms, and voice tonality, all of which I created myself in and as a personality blend according to the character I became as self grandeur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a character of self grandeur to not take self-responsibility for me as my physical body wherein I actually held myself within a point of dishonor to/towards my physical body through occupying myself within my secret mind, where I secluded myself from what is actually real, thus neglecting what is real as me as my physical body within this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught up within my own web of lies, where I allowed self-interest and trying to survive life within our current money system to distract me from realizing myself within the reality of our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe time after time that I had changed, taken a new path, a new journey or had new experiences, when in actuality, I’ve always lead myself right back to the same point I avoided, which is me, to face myself within all that is here.

I commit myself to stop walking in/as self-grandeur as a character of nobility.

I commit myself to redesigning and realigning myself through self-corrective application where, as I see myself participating in and as jealousy and seeking to control others through manipulative acts of attempting to receive attention, I stop. I breathe. I realize that those are the patterns which keep me walking as characters of me, and I am no longer willing to continue as such.

I commit myself to through self-forgiveness and self-honesty, to thoroughly investigate who I am as characters, as walking scripts of me, and, to show that human beings have the ability to walk themselves free from the direction of/as the mind as consciousness, and to direct themselves willingly to support an Equal Money system, where All life will be able to exist in dignity.

Day 73: Queen of my Castle

The character of ‘self grandeur’ was one of the first character’s as a child that I participated in.  This particular character began when I first heard the story of Rapunzel.  I related to Rapunzel in how when she reached her twelfth birthday,  her mother shut her away in a tower in the middle of the woods, with neither stairs nor a door, only one room and one window.   My mother of course never shut me away in a room, No!   It was all my doing, as a child, I secluded myself from the reality that existed within the structure of my family, and instead,  I got lost in my imagination beLIEving that someday, someone was going to come and save me from what I realize now,  was my own self-absorbed story of self sabotage.

As I got older the story in my head evolved to one where within my mind, I secretly had thoughts that I was really a ‘ Queen’ from some far off place and I was being controlled by an unjust world/money system, and the unjust system failed to recognize me as being the Queen that I dreamed I was.

So like Rapunzel, I was trapped in my own castle waiting to be rescued/swept away by the ‘love’ of my life where we would then both ‘save the world’.

I quietly maintained this particular mind possession  for many years and so the illusion of it all within my head became carefully orchestrated.  Within my secret mind,  I was aware of the uselessness to my role playing,  but I still participated, and I eventually justified the illusion as being a deserved break from the reality I felt controlled by and stuck within.

I had thoughts of how life here on Earth must be some sort of sordid joke or at the very least a bad nightmare that would surely end.

The first time I remember questioning the illusion I played around in within myself, was when I was 36 and, had just started a job for a huge hotel chain. What intrigued me about working there was that the structure and decor of the inside of the hotel, fit perfectly with the image in my mind of how my castle if I had one would exist. There it was, my place of self grandeur.

 The problem was, I hated my actual job because I worked in customer service, listening to complaints all day long, sitting in a very small dark office area that was upstairs, far away from the extraordinary fancy hotel lobby. My pay was minimal, but at least I had my 30 minute lunch breaks. Every day, I would sit in the lobby looking at the beauty of the lighting and the sculptures, breathing in the new carpet and the new furniture smell as I escaped into my secret mind of thoughts about how someday, whoever ‘I really am’, will be found out.  All will be revealed and I will be whisked away with the love of my life to my castle awaiting me.

At some point sitting there I realized how I had been running from facing the reality of who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed. What really changed things for me was when I began applying self-forgiveness.

More and more everyday I’m realizing how fucked up this world is in how we forsake our self-responsibility to our world while we hide in our beliefs of self-grandeur,  ‘hoping’ for a better world.  Thing is, life within this world is growing more and more difficult for the majority of humanity.

As consciousness mind systems, we give in to accepting and allowing our world to continue this path, which, for the few that have more than enough money, the world seems to be a great place.   Yet the reality is, we’ve created quite a mess within our world because death and despair is everywhere.

So, here we are, we are stuck in and as our own world of self acceptance, allowing consciousness to direct us in accepting and allowing hell on earth.

to be continued with self-forgiveness in Day 74

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand where and how I from the beginning internally and externally created this MORENESS – within the context of in and as that moment I as substance/existence manifested the question as Me: “there must be more than HERE, there must be more than ME, as HERE”, which in that moment manifested me into and as MORE me’s (“there must be more than ME, Here”) as the manifested-singularities and within and as the MORE me’s externally – manifested the MORE EXPERIENCE of me within and as myself as Energy (“there must be more than HERE). Not seeing/realising/understanding that for the MORE of ME to exist Structurally as the manifested-singularities I was in fact SEPARATING myself as substance/existence of and as equality and oneness into and as an ILLUSION of MORENESS as all the me’s of manifested-singularities came to manifest in existence. Because all of what I created is STILL ME, but in and as SEPARATION, innumerable amounts of SEPARATE PARTS manifested together in ONE EXISTENCE creating an ILLUSION of moreness; because it is/never has been MORE, it’s always still been me in separation from and of myself, HERE.” ~ Sunette Spies From: Looking for MORE of mySELF: DAY 78

For further context Read:

Looking for MORE of mySELF: DAY 78

Day 78: Stepping out of Character

Day 44: The Character game