Tag Archive | cheater

Day 182: It’s Not Personal – it’s PERSONALITY

“Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” ~ Meg Ryan from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’

I used to believe that I loved that quote from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’, because I believed that’s how it should be between people. Personal. I’ve since realized how the whole idea of being in a personal relationship with another person has been nothing more than personal conflicts – conflicts of personalities.

When we take things personal, it’s because within our mind we’re acting according to whatever character or personality we’re existing as – where we have a complete storyline going on within our mind as we participate in thoughts, feelings and emotions which we beLIEve to be real. We don’t realize how the story begins and ends in self-interest and ego while we’re busy existing in and as the energy that it takes to maintain the experience we believe we’re having.

So the point I’m looking at here is personality and experience – which began with fear.  Fear that began when my partner communicated to me his recent thoughts – which he’d been stopping, but nevertheless thoughts he’d been having with regards to his desire to receive attention from female coworkers – which he realized is/was an attempt to validate his own negative experience to change it into a positive one.  As he shared with me,  I thought it was very cool,  and I was pleased with how we were communicating.

But then, later that night when I went to sleep, I woke up after having a dream where there was only a brief image, an image of my partner in the arms of someone else, an image that in my past I had often been aware of but had always dismissed it but after seeing it in my sleep I noticed how I was suppressing myself and how I was left with a gloomy depressed feeling that I can not trust anyone.

As I’ve been walking this process, one thing I know for sure is that everything I experience within and without is a direct reflection of myself.  And I realize that I’ve never been able to trust myself, yet, I see how my mindset changed towards my partner and I realize that I have to investigate this point further because I see how I’m pulling away and separating myself further and further from him. Which means I’m pulling away and separating myself further from myself.

I also noticed the internal conversation/ backchat within my mind that was repeating – where I was telling myself over and over: ‘it’s not personal’. Yet, the many character’s and personalities that I exist as within my mind ‘felt’ that it was very personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the origin of personality begins in/with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personal because I see, realize and understand that what ‘feels’ personal is in conflict with a personality I’m existing as within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ rejection and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that when I fear rejection it’s because I accept myself as imperfect, unsatisfactory, and/or useless and powerless, thus I forgive myself for judging myself through the eyes and ears of consciousness as fear and comparison of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, unwanted with no way to provide for myself and within that not realizing that when I accept the fear of being alone and unwanted and fearful that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself, it’s because I don’t trust myself and instead of investigating myself in self-honesty as to why and how come I don’t trust myself, I project that separation/fear onto others – when the fact is, when I direct myself in self-honesty according to what’s best for all and catch a glimpse of what it is to Not exist in separation from myself and others as myself, that’s when I comprehend how the fear of self/others diminish, and I begin to establish a point of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I pursue someone/something for energy, such as love and happiness, that within my pursuit of ‘it’ I’m separating myself from myself as ‘it’, thus ‘it’ (for example: love and happiness) becomes more than me, thus why I exist in fear of and am able to be controlled and directed by ‘it’ as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought/image within my mind of my partner smiling in the arms of someone else, and I see how the image is important because when I see that image within my mind, I experience guilt and shame, because within that image holds a memory of myself as my own past behavior and the deceptive nature I once existed as, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself and my partner as I tried to escape from the negative depressed state of mind and experience I was having of myself by seeking for attention outside our relationship as a way of validating myself and thus providing myself with a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character/personality of and as my mind where I am only concerned about whether or not I am having a positive energy experience – one which serves it’s purpose by stroking my own ego and for the depths of evil that I have existed as within my mind when/as I’m am seeking for attention, just so I can try and believe that I’m having the ultimate experience – one where all I want to do is to relieve myself from feeling negative, so much so, that I haven’t stopped and considered the consequences of my experience and how it manifests in the lives of others within and as my world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a “I told myself so’ attitude towards my partner, where in fear I believe I can’t trust him and thus I imagine myself walking away and informing him that I will not be mistreated, that I would rather be alone and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my imagination in this plays out exactly how I have existed as towards myself, where when I realize I am facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as my past and my behavior, that I will hide within myself and pout and feel sorry for myself and as such I can’t forgive myself and thus I never reach a point of real substantial change within, and as a result I continue repeating the same mindset/patterns over and over and the results are manifested within and as me as my physical body and world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘It’s not personal” and ‘he can’t be trusted’ that what I am doing is accepting myself within a point of self-denial where I distract myself through judging others because I secretly judge myself for not facing myself and directing myself in self-honesty within and as a point of self-correction and self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and condemn my partner as being the reason for my perception of myself as being unhappy, because I see, realize and understand that I have existed within the belief that in order for me to be happy then I must have a positive energetic experience, and if I am having a negative experience then I must be unhappy and within that, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the true nature of my thought participation which will assist me to understand how and why I experience myself the way that I am.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an abdication of self and life in such denial that I will manifest within my stomach a sinking feeling and a feeling of nausea, therefore, I commit myself to stop existing in self-denial through living behind the characters and personalities of and as my mind as memories and patterns that I realize are preprogrammed from my parents and society, and to instead commit myself to stop manifesting the physical consequences of self-dishonesty by committing myself to myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the consequences within and as my physical body of and as infection due to how I have existed in and as rejection where I deny myself as who I’ve been and what I’ve accepted and allowed as evil and abuse to continue to exist within and as myself and my world as myself.

I commit myself to when I feel fear to stop and investigate who I am as it.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally and if and when I see that I am taking something personal, I stop, I breathe – instead I slow myself down and bring it back to self to see how and what self is existing as, to thus forgive and walk the self-corrective application to redesign what self has accepted and allowed and realign self with and as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to realize that I have always existed as some sort of character and/or personality because that is how I have hid from myself in fear, and I see, realize and understand that in self-honesty I am able to redirect myself to reach a point of self-intimacy and establish self-trust.

I commit myself to breathe and become aware of and forgive myself for when I’m searching for and/or existing in negative and positive energy experiences.

I commit myself to changing myself through Desteni I Process and walking the Journey to Life because I see, realize and understand that it is only through changing myself within, that I will be able to walk as a living example and effectively support a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to STOP seeking attention because in seeking I am stroking my ego and existing in self-interest which is unacceptable, thus, I commit myself to breathe and walk with gratitude for/as self.

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself and my world as myself in fear of what I may discover.

Day 178: Forego

For context read:
Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions
Day 177: Jumping to Conclusions – Part 2

Continuing here with Self-forgiveness for how I Jump to Conclusions and who and what I become as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions where I basically side step any point of self-responsibility because I’m to busy jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions on behalf of myself as my mind as consciousness where an automated version of myself takes over and in doing so I forEGO the practicality of investigating for myself what is here what is best for all as opposed to what is only best for me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO investigating who I am breathing in self-honesty because I have instead opted for-ego in a rat race which is to actually give up and do without – instead of living the solution of Equal Money where every living being will come together as one and through self-forgiveness release the resistance existent of and as the self-interested human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as ego to resist asking for assistance because I’ve not wanted to be seen as a burden to people and within that, not realizing how me as my mind as consciousness have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and directed by who I am as ego, where I have forEGOne and/or determined in advance/jumped to a conclusion and accepted myself as a burden to myself and thus have followed the crowd and became who I believed I was supposed to be just to ‘fit in’ and never standing up even when I’ve known that something is seriously wrong within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO/give up/ abdicate myself from life itself because I feared hurting someone’s feelings and/or I feared that so and so might not like me, when the fact is, when I’m breathing and directing myself in self-honesty, everything I ‘thought’ I feared no longer exists and for a moment I don’t have to fight for my so-called-freedom because within me free is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never understood the basic truth of/as life because in forEGOing the basic right of life as Equality for all living beings, I’ve put myself before everyone and everything where to live as ego is to die having never lived as life according to what is possible as Heaven on Earth as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time of day yet I’ve given in to time is money and I forgive myself for how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live my life missing the most important part of myself as that which exists within and as everything and everyone that is here.

to be continued…

Day 177: Jumping to Conclusions – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to: Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jump to conclusions about others it’s because I secretly fear being seen as a failure through the eyes of another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jumped to conclusion, what was really going on within me was that I was scared as hell to face what I saw as my own failure – failure and guilt for having gone through a divorce and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a failure in the eyes of God, and for believing that I failed in the union of something sacred, the union of marriage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have defined myself according to the word sacred and how I never realized hidden in the spelling and meaning is the word scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to the conclusion that my step dad hated me and for the fear of being seen as a failure through the eyes of my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear being seen as a failure,  I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and within that I forgive myself for rushing and seeking and desiring and always looking outside of myself for some form of energetic experience because I believed it would make me feel alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jump to conclusions I am actually accepting myself as having already failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I reach for a conclusion it’s because who I am as my mind has reached outside of myself to transform a negative experience into a positive  experience because I have accepted the belief that it is what I need to set me free – when in fact, it is only I that can set me free through and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear failure through the eyes of another it’s because within my mind I’m constantly competing all the while not realizing that I’m actually only ever in competition with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I come to a point of conclusion that I am in that moment settling for a reasoning that begins within the starting point of self-interest and greed – instead of directing myself according to what’s best for All.

to be continued

Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions

A few years ago a couple that I know separated and eventually filed for divorce. Most who knew them, were sure they had a chance of making it last.  Many, including myself described how they ‘felt’ about the split as being ‘heartbroken’.

The specifics of their divorce was kept very quiet, however, I do remember what my thoughts were even though at the time, I didn’t realize the full extent of how I was jumping to conclusions. In my secret mind I had come to the conclusion that it was mostly ‘her’ fault. As a matter of fact, I secretly blamed her for their marriage failing.

So, here we are years later and I’ve just had the opportunity to talk to ‘her’ and was finally able to communicate with her how I had reacted/made assumptions and/or jumped to a conclusion about ‘what had happened’ between them. That’s when she told me. She told me how she had walked in on her husband and her bestfriend, how she found them in the midst of a compromising sexual encounter. Though she tried, she couldn’t get that picture out of her head and thus they ended their marriage.

Wow, the new information did not match up to the stories that I had accepted, allowed, pre-occupied myself with and participated in within and as my mind!

The point of me sharing this story – is not to blame one against the other or to judge, because ultimately this was between the two of them and they have to realize their own point of self-responsibility within it.  I’m sharing this as proof to myself how the mind manipulates, assumes, justifies and jumps to the conclusions in/of and as self-interest.

The sum of all the thoughts that I participated in regarding the couple is a perfect example of how important it is to always bring everything back to self.  Because while we’re busy participating in thoughts and emotions, and gossip, and projecting ill feelings toward another, we’re not realizing that in that moment, we’re actually only experiencing ourself in relation to who we are as our mind as our past and our memories.

Years ago, when I went through a divorce – the negative experience I had of myself – where I existed in/as guilt and anger towards my mom for how she blamed me for my marriage ending and leaving her ‘heartbroken’.  I can realize now that I allowed the break-up of this couple to trigger a memory within me, thus I was reliving my past where every thought in my mind that I participated in with regards to the couple and their divorce was never about them.  It was about me, how I’ve been stuck in my own past preoccupations that I’ve never yet faced and forgiven myself for.   Seeing and realizing this for myself brought forth a silense within me, and I understand with a little more clarity how important it is to direct myself as my mind in self-honesty.  Self-forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements to follow in my next blog.

Day 97: The Character: Cheater on the Mind


Today my partner phoned to say he would be late getting home from work – then, within moments after arriving home from work, he decided to take a shower before having supper and so, I was aware in both those moments of how a picture popped into my mind, or rather an extremely fast thought which was where I went into the character of, ‘is he cheating’?

I didn’t say anything to my partner because, I was very much aware of the character attempting to take center stage where my eyes and mouth began to form physically in/as the sneaky-suspicious cheater character, that I myself have existed as in the past where I attempt to blame and accuse another as being it. I stopped myself and breathed and, I see how this character comes forth because of how and who I’ve existed as in self-dishonesty where, in numerous ways, I have cheated within my life and thus, I am here to put ‘the cheater character’ to rest once and for all, through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the shame in the pain within my physical body where I am experiencing ego and pride held within my shoulders and neck that I’ve existed as in how I avoid looking at me as the ‘cheater‘ of life in how I have lived in/as my secret mind where I have sought for energetic liaisons as a way of avoiding taking self-responsibility for who and what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist here in/as what I’ve referred to as a World that is free that is actually enslaved within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as the cheater character as the memories/characters/personalities of the generations of women who’ve walked here before me because it is I who am completely responsible for me as who I am and what I accept and allow myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a cheater beginning when I was in first grade in school in how I felt guilty when stealing candy from a store as a child and how I defined stealing as a way of cheating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define saving/hiding and/or spending money as a form of cheating against another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the word cheater where I have judged whoever I’ve been in a relationship with for cheating because in my secret mind I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them whether it was cheating through keeping money from them or having a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing the excuse that when I ‘cheated’ it was because I was going through a ‘bad time’ in my life and so it was ‘ok’ to cheat because I justified my behaviour according to how I was experiencing myself in/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be adamant in my cheating as long as no one got hurt then I justified it as ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the damage I create within and as my physical body according to how I accumulate stress in/as myself when I exist in acts of cheating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how, that which I accuse, blame and perceive myself to see existing in/as another, is in fact how and what I am existing within and as.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I look for in another what I can’t accept/find within myself – to thus give myself some sort of ‘feeling’ as if I’m completing myself when in fact what I’m doing is searching for a feeling that I believe is me.

I commit myself to show how through self-forgiveness one can in self-honesty stop patterns of/as memories/characters and personalities of/as the mind and walk self out of such patterns through self-corrective application.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to exist in/as a character of/as my mind through acts of cheating because I see how I manifested the definition of myself based upon emotional manipulation in order to have energetic experiences which I now see, realize and understand that I am able to stop, re-direct and realign myself in self-honesty according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to abdicate my responsibility to and towards myself through justifying acts of behavior within the starting point of self-dishonesty as I see, realize and understand that I am willing to be the directive principle and commit myself to change in order to be supportive in bringing forth a world according to what’s best for all.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to: Childhood Imagination Creating Characters: DAY 98)