I was flipping the television channels when I saw a glimpse of a girl from a soap opera – I don’t watch the soap opera but nonetheless her face reminded me of me – it triggered a memory of an experience that I had not long after my 16th birthday.
The thought process that was triggered led me into thinking how ‘this thing’ that happened to me, was my first time at being the owner of a broken heart. Now, there have been a few times throughout my life when I referred to myself as being broken hearted, and since to my mind I’ve placed importance in the idea of having had my heart broken, it’s thus best, if I investigate to see what’s really going on so I can forgive myself.
So this particular time, was when I was 16, which was when I made the decision to have sex for my first time with this guy that I had been dating and making out with heavily for almost a year. Even now I can for a moment access the energy as I remember my thoughts / backchat back then which was leading and influencing my decision, because in my mind, I would replay the energy of our nightly and lengthy make out sessions over and over.
Immediately after we had sex that first time, my mind began to freak out a little with questions like: what if the condom breaks and what if I get pregnant? If I got pregnant I didn’t know how I would face my mom, so after a couple of more times of having sex after the first time, I told this guy – who my ‘freedom’ as a teenager greatly depended upon at this time because my parents trusted him – I told him that I just couldn’t have sex with him anymore for awhile because I was scared I’d get pregnant. I remember he looked right into my eyes as he smiled and said ‘hey, no problem’. I remember thinking how great it was to have such an understanding and caring boyfriend.
A week later, I heard it from a friend that heard it from a friend – yes really! That he was messing around, with a woman that was 10 years older than him!, (he was 21). I remember that day like it was yesterday… I was sixteen with a drivers license but no car, and I needed to get to my boyfriends apartment and fix how I was feeling. He lived about 5 blocks from me so I got on my 10 speed bike and cried the entire time as I rode it to his place.
It was early spring and I remember thinking in the midst of my crying and pedaling, how it was to beautiful of a day to feel like I was feeling, which was sad, lonely and angry. He wasn’t home when I got there and it didn’t matter because it was my experience within those first moments – when something changes the nature of the relationship in a way where you know it’ll never be the same – it was in that moment that my definition of how love has to do with being ‘the owner of a broken heart’, came to be. Within that single moment I became acquainted with what love and betrayal ‘feels’ like and I ‘thought’ my world had just crashed before me all because I was having a negative experience of myself. It’s these such momemts that I let energy in and in doing so I allow harm to my physical body and thus my physical world/reality.
So I must look realistically at such a moment, in how dramatic I made the whole thing out to be. Here one can see the extent of self interest because with ALL the atrocities that exist within our world, like poverty, war and starvation, we’re broken hearted over what we refer to as hurt feelings…
It is here that I see my dependency on the ‘energetic experience’, where I take myself from hot to cold with positive and negative experiences from love to the extreme opposite, as anger – all for the energy of it, for my mind as consciousness to use my physical body to fuel itself…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my anger through acts of love, peace and even gentleness, where I may behave happy, joyful, gladdened and/or appear physically calm, composed or tranquil even as I’m suppressing myself within and as the energy of love and anger to fuel who I am as my mind as consciousness.
I commit myself to Stop pretending to be an automation of myself as a character of anger and suppression – because I see, realize and understand that behaving and becoming a reactive pattern of love and anger is and have always been my way of avoiding facing and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.
I commit myself to facing all the moments wherein my life I referred to and/or defined myself as being the owner of a broken heart because I see, realize and understand that investigating, understanding and forgiving these points will bring about an awareness of self, a clarity – an end to anger.
Become Someone You’re Satisfied With
Begin Desteni I Process
A Great Read: Day 564 The Decision to Self-Investigate