Tag Archive | betrayal

Day 106: A Play in One Act as Drama

This post is a continuation from:
Day 105: Stage Fright

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and becoming ‘penniless’ which is the exact word I heard my mom say often when I was growing up, where she would in fear and frustration defend her over-spending to my dad by saying “we’re not ‘yet’ penniless”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly fear the unknown within the meaning of what my mom meant when she said, “we’re not ‘yet’ penniless”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a picture image as a thought of my mom and dad sitting at the dining room table once a week ‘going over the bills‘ – where as children me and my siblings knew better than to interrupt them, in what became a weekly occasion of disagreement, fear and stress with regards to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I’m experiencing fear – will reach out for somebody to love me, which is how me as my mind as consciousness seeks to protect itself, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same characters/patterns of behaviour that I lived and saw within my parents that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the abused and the abuser, all the while believing I had found the love of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear of becoming homeless based on memories from my past abusive marriage – where I’ve ‘blamed’ my ex-husband for my fears, according to how I experienced myself within his threats of kicking me out of our home as well as when he left me alone on a dark road in the middle of the night, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for the fact that I alone create my fears and experiences through how I justify my behavior and participation within what I accepted and allowed as self-manipulation and self-victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be characters of/as my mind where I lived/played out love affairs in order to put out the fear existent within me, which was/is the fear of facing myself within what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as within and as our physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated through fear to participate in/as my thoughts and emotions, thus scripting myself in/as a homeless/penniless character in accordance to those emotions, because I feared that my needs, wants and desires wouldn’t be fulfilled if for some reason I were to lose my home and/or all of my belongings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be concerned and fearful about what I will lose, because I’ve become so dependent upon having a positive comfortable experience for myself, that I’ve failed to comprehend how in my comfort, I accept, allow, manifest and create the opposite polarity in/as and the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within polarity manifestations of/as my mind, to neglect me as my physical body as well as the safety and well being of/as the physical body of others and our Physical Reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as memories/characters/ personalities of/as my mind from the mind of my parents, developed abusive patterns of neglect against me as my physical body, where when I was waiting for my parents to finish their bill paying/arguments, I began the habit/behaviour of biting my fingernails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as memories/characters/personalities of/as my mind from the mind of my parents, developed ways to satisfy myself through masturbation at a very young age and then feel guilty for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have little to no memory of me as as a child gazing upon me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child in and as fear of being alone, abandon me as my physical body to fantasize about falling in love within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how emotional responses/reactions become the consequence of me trying to fulfill who I am in self-interest as needs, wants and desires of the mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how participating in thoughts lead to feelings/emotions which lead to physical actions, which lead to physical manifested consequences which result in abuse to/as our physical body and our physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how CONflict is at the heart of all the Drama as a characters of/as our mind – where memories/thoughts/personalities turn Man against Man as a Society, and Man against our Environment/Nature as who we are as our World/Reality/Existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for how I experienced myself because in my participation in and as my mind, I existed in expectations wherein I expected someone and/or something outside of me to fix me as who I had become within and as the fear and feelings/emotions that I was accepting and allowing, thus, I see, realize and understand that the only one who can fix me is me is self-honesty, as it is I who decides who I am and what I am willing to accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never completely stand and take self-responsibility for how I have experienced myself within my life because I accepted what I was told by other’s in fear, as something I had to accept – instead of investigating and questioning for myself how and why and the part I play within everything that is here.

to be continued

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Day 105: Stage Fright

The past couple of days, I’ve felt like I was experiencing first night jitters and/or stage fright, because me as my mind, was trying to ease myself into the idea of possibly becoming the Homeless Character – for real. Now this is a character I have memories of in how I have scripted myself within fear of being homeless.

So when we began to have huge fires surrounding our area – and no insurance coverage for our home and property – I saw how it wasn’t the fires engulfing me, it was the fear of, what if?

At one point we decided we had better pack up a few things ‘just in case’, because we were told to be ready to evacuate at a moments notice. I saw how the physical act of packing eased my fears and assisted me to gain some common sense perspective. And then – the phone would ring and someone with another fire update would assist me in keeping my fear of being homeless character in control of me. By Saturday evening, me as my physical body was paying the price for the fear I had participated in, where in the pit of my stomach was pain like I’ve not had in a very long time and, I was physically and mentally exhausted – which is something I rarely experience. I was completely wore out from all of my character/role playing.

The thing is, I’m grateful for the experience, because I was able to be more aware than I’ve ever been in seeing how devastating fear is. How fear is silent as it exists within our secret mind, and very deadly to who we are as our physical bodies and physical reality. I saw how our mind in fear will deceive us to the max – where when I stopped participating in thoughts of being homeless and ‘thought’ I was breathing, I wasn’t.

I was suppressing myself within fear of loss where I experienced feelings – which I shared with my partner – where I suddenly felt lonely and alone, like I wanted to go searching for that feeling one experiences when one is first falling in love. Which was how me as my mind was trying to protect itself.

When I exposed the point to my partner, another quick thought replaced the feeling, it was, ‘well then, I’ll just get high and buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all’. lol – I didn’t actually consider either – instead I stopped, breathed and applied self-forgiveness. The point is, the mind as consciousness will look for a quick fix, a cure/medicine for the fear and ultimately our physical bodies and our physical reality pays the ultimate price.

Fortunately, no one was seriously and/or physically injured in the fires, however, many lost their homes. It’s a humbling experience and I realized just how much self-interest and greed still exists within and as me and, I also realized how if we had an Equal Money system in place – I wouldn’t have had to face the homeless character of/as my mind nor feared becoming homeless for real.

**Within the posts to follow I will be walking the process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective/self-commitment statements – in regards to specific memories, picture images as thoughts, and, the many different characters which were triggered within my mind beginning with the fear character of becoming homeless.**

Day 92: Curse of Self-Compromise

Today I’ve been investigating a point of self-compromise because I saw when talking with another, how I was holding myself back so to speak, and my physical body confirmed it as I immediately began to have spasms and pain in my upper left muscle of my back. Thus, the following self-forgiveness. – –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how self-compromise is like a curse because in/as self-compromise are accepted and allowed character acts which are deliberate and deceptive in nature within/as and against self and others as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself according to who and how I become in/as relationships where I lean upon them as if I’m being sucked in by an invisible adDicktive force, becking me to submit all that I am as me as my physical body to be subjected to the direction of me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me as my physical body to be the victim of my own PUSSuits – where in my past I’ve allowed myself to experience sexual encounters which I soon regret and blame myself for – for not appreciating myself or another and/or for my perception as that of not ‘being enough’ to have stopped the encounter in the first place and stand free from me as my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience regret for not accessing more emotions that would have given me a feeling of self worth within my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my relationships are reflections of/as me in which I show refusal of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within a fear of letting people down -instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I’m actually afraid of losing someone and within that I’ve been willing to compromise myself where I end up existing within a perception of having lost myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I hate the memory/characters/personalities of the men I have designed within me based on past experiences and judgments that I have held onto within and as me as my physical body.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through feeling betrayed by something and/or someone – which is blame, which means that I have placed my faith, trust and responsibility for myself and my life into the hands of another – where through relationships, I have given my physical life over to another separate from me and playing the blame game when my life didn’t turn out the way I had ‘hoped’ for -instead of me taking self-responsibility for my own life and experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand that nothing of or in this world has the ability to betray or deceive me except me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in/as self-compromise to fear the change of myself in being able to trust myself and walk as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within particular moral enslavements as that of/as faith and hope, whereas them I have failed me as my physical body because when I put my faith and/or hope in something/someone outside of myself, I am actually accepting and allowing my own continued enslavement and thus abdicate myself as life in saying that I’m not able to stand up and direct myself, therefore, I submit myself to and as my mind as consciousness to drag me through the gutter of me as my secret mind – instead of standing face to face with me as who I am as my mind – physical body in self-honesty and self-forgiveness and Direct Me according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how through memories/character and personalities I have formed relationships which I allow to compromise me as my mind-physical body which are addictive in nature – where the addiction is actually the point of me not wanting to let go of the relationship because to let the relationship go requires me to forgive and release who I am as it, thus why I have remained within a point of self-compromise instead of taking responsibility for who I am as my mind of/as memories/character and personalities where I have remained in self-compromise in/as betrayal, blame and anger.

When and as I see myself existing in/as a point of self-compromise of deliberate and deceptive nature, I stop. I breathe. I direct myself within the understanding that I am the directive principle of me according to and in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop when I see myself existing within a point of self-compromise where I am withdrawing into myself in silence instead of directing myself in/as the moment where assistance and direction is required.

I commit myself to stop compromising myself within a fear of letting people down as I see, realize and understand how it is Not possible for anyone to let me down nor me to let anyone down, it is only possible to Not stand in/as self-responsibility thus, I commit myself to Stand and take self-responsibility for how our world exists and to thus support a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop existing within self-compromise in and as polarities of love/hate and memory/characters/personalities of/as past experiences and judgments

I commit myself to stop compromising myself within my relationships wherein I lean upon them to the point of addiction thus creating pain within and as my physical body through my lack of awareness of me as my physical body.

I commit myself to show how compromising self in fear of self change is a complete lack of awareness of self as breath within the understanding that life is here to be shared and cared for in/as self-honesty through self-forgiveness and in supporting a world according to that which is best for All.

I commit myself to a relationship of equality and oneness with me as my physical body and this physical reality in order to assist and support in bringing forth a world where suffering, pain and war are no longer accepted as who we are and instead All life is supported within the principle of equality and oneness.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to: Who’s the Boss but Memory?: DAY 83)