Tag Archive | apple a day

Day 234: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – may we not be found wanting/desiring – Day 19

For Context Read: Day 233: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Surviving Normal & Desteni – Day 18

“May we not be found wanting/desiring.” Bernard Poolman

I read that quote by Bernard for the first time some 4 years ago or so and today it assisted me to remember to breathe…It’s been raining all day which is great because we need the rain. The problem is the constant sound of the slow rain began to activate a memory of myself sitting in front of the t.v., watching a romantic comedy on the t.v., and eating my favorite comfort food. Before I know it I processed that memory into thinking and imagining myself eating a big bowl of mac and cheese or a big slice of chocolate cake.

(Suggest to Read for Claritly: Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377)

wanting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and long for a relationship to food to provide an energetic experience for my mind defined as comfort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by ingesting certain foods that create a chemical feeling experience of happiness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the positive energy experience from eating sugar and chocolate and coffee to stimulate and motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food for a relationship as a replacement to having a relationship / self-intimacy with who I am as my physical body.

It’s crazy how strong the desire within me is to just give in and allow myself to eat anything and everything that I want. But I mean, then what? What I know is that I’ve done that a million times in my life so I already know that nothing is ever as great as the idea of it within our mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the memory of myself sitting at home on a rainy day watching feel good movies and eating as a way of comforting myself to avoid facing who I am within the fear and hollowness of longing.

So, how come I keep taking the bait so to speak? How come I keep giving in to the temptation to participate in the thoughts about eating dead food when I know full well that I will Not give in and eat that which will harm my physical body/ process of healing?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ingest foods according to my own personal interests/opinions and fears as a brainwashed consumer.

Following the Metabolic Diet and eating absolutely no cooked / processed foods is part of the alternative treatment plan that I have chosen to assist my body to dissolve the cancer safely and successfully, so following it to a T is imperative. In my case, it may mean the difference in life or death.

Recently I’ve been investigating who I am with regards to my experience with ‘longing’. The longing to be loved is usually what one might think of when looking at their experience with longing, but for me in this moment my lack of the ability to carry on my relationship to the foods I’ve used for comfort is in immediate need for attention.

It seems like I’ve always longed for something or someone. And the thing about it, even when I got what or who I was longing for, it was never as wonderful as I imagined it would be. Mostly my experience with longing has been one where it’s as if I’m supposed to hold onto something or someone and never let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future without something to look forward to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for something to put into my mouth as a way to pacify and manipulate myself to the point where I settle into my own little world within my mind and the hell with everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking self-responsibility for the horrors that occur daily within our world/money system because to acknowledge them would mean admitting that I to am responsible for accepting and allowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something and/or someone as that which I have a relationship with as being important, valuable and precious because I see, realize and understand that within that exist fear of loss, fear of losing my relationships and definitions which has been the very structure of my existence and that which I fear giving up.

When and as I see myself ignoring and/or distracting myself with a memory of my past behaviors on a rainy day I Stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a point that I’ve always avoided which is actually just a point of being ok here with myself, breathing.

When and as I see myself defining something and/or someone that I have a relationship with as  important, valuable and precious, I stop. I Breathe.

I commit myself to stop giving myself excuses, reasons and justifications such as: I still want to do that, I still want to have that, I must still experience this, I must still have that, etc.

Alright, I will continue to investigate this point.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Consumerism and the Way of Influence is Based on the Right of the Consumer to Refuse the Product, yet with the Will Power of the Consumer Influenced, the Profiteer happily transfers Responsibility to the Consumers, always Not with all the Information, but with Enough to Influence the Will of the Consumer. This subtle Brainwash Makes all Humans thusly Influenced without Morals and Not Worthy of Trust – as the Consumers, as Product of Consumerism, will Never Act in the Interest of Life and will in fact see Life as a Threat to their Happiness and Happily Sell their SOULD for just a bit of Happiness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to show that all Abuse on Earth is a Matter of Deliberate Will and that this Deliberateness Accumulates through small allowances to Eventually Look Like Circumstances, while the Outcome was Always Measurable from the beginning. Advertising that molds Will to Brand Loyalty for Instance, uses the Small Measures to Get the Eventual Controlled outcome for Profit and in Part of the Design of individual Will utilized to Shape the will of Man in Consumerism.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 233: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Surviving Normal & Desteni – Day 18

For a few days now I’ve wrestled with a thought / backchat within my head saying: ‘I just want to feel normal’. I stopped it when I became aware of it in the beginning. When it came back, I mocked it within myself, so basically, I was mocking myself… Making fun of the thought, making fun of myself. This is how me as my mind as consciousness has become as I’ve continued to give the thought ‘I just want to feel normal’ the key to my peace of mind by participating in and as automated actions/patterns of myself,  even as I became aware of them.

I mean, that’s pretty much how I’ve always existed.  In fear,  surviving normal. Within that always longing for that feeling/experience like falling in love or falling into another addictive behavior, but either way, normal becomes comfortable and routine.  Basically, we get up in the morning, take a shower, eat, go to work, go to lunch, go back to work, blah, blah, blah, go home, watch tv, go to bed, get up the next day and repeat…You get the picture. Just tow the line and follow the rules of our current world/money system so we can stop fearing for our very survival and get to  ‘feeling normal’.

The problem is, that which has been normal, has been a LIE.  Our idea of normal is motivated by fear and self-interest.  And when that moment comes, when you must investigate who you are because you realize you are brainwashed and automated and then you realize you feel strangely comfortable about being so.

It seems odd to find comfort hidden within that which we fear and yet we do.  So, we just keep doing the same thing day in and day out because we believe we have to to survive, and within my mind, I’ve imagined so much more for myself, but I could never move myself to a point of actual real self change.

So, what I’ve realized is with my diagnosis of cancer, I’ve had to become very strict with my eating and now I’m realizing just how much I’ve used food to give myself comfort and a feeling of normal.  So in a way it’s as if I’m longing / searching for some sort of way to feel better as a way to replace the relationship and socializing I once had with food.    Once in awhile the desire/urge/energetic longing to taste a warm cooked meal becomes so overwhelming until I realize that all I have to do is to Stop and to Breathe.   Participating in my past as memories seems to diminish the desire/longing and gives me the illusion of feeling normal and comforted even if it is a lie…

Then yesterday, I heard: Awakening to Purpose by Bernard Poolman.

Equal Money and WomenHearing it reminded me of when my normal began to change, which was when I discovered Desteni. I use the word ‘discovered’ on purpose because the ‘Desteni Material’, is like a Treasure trove of Rare ArtiFACTS.

Reading the Desteni Material, I immediately became aware of how the Principle of Equality would forever rock the hell out of my idea of ‘normal’.

For the first time in my life, I began to realize just how ‘brainwashed’ I really am. In that moment, I didn’t know what all I would uncover about myself within those rare artiFacts, but as I began to apply the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty, I noticed something unexpected in the releasing of fears.

I was able to prove to/for myself that I Can change and redesign myself and within that become aware of how and what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist within this world.  And once I’ve begun to see that for myself, then I’ve been able to take self-responsibility to learn how to Give as I’d like to receive.  This means supporting a system that will guarantee the support of Life according to what’s Best for All,  and, will bring an end to suffering on a Global scale.  How can any one of us accept our idea’s and comforts of ‘normal’ when ‘normal’ has never brought an end to suffering?

So, there’s normal, as how normal has always beed defined according to how we’ve existed, where we’re constantly trying to survive our accepted and allowed version of normal within our abusive world/money system, and then, there’s Desteni.

Desteni is the Rock, the Place where Practicality meets Solutions and Creates a World according to what’s best for All.

Alright so what I’ve realized is, the thought:  ‘I just want to feel normal’, is an amazing tool for me to gauge/see what I am currently choosing to accept and allow. And, what I see, realize and understand is that this thought/backchat is merely a trigger from my past and a reminder that I don’t have to run away in fear of the Beast as Cancer.  That in order to bring myself full circle to a point where I understand how I manifested Cancer within and as my physical body in the first place, is going to require an awakening to purpose beginning with a re-committment to myself to Breathe and remain consistent and stable.

I mean, it was just over a year ago that I made a committment to walk this my Journey to Life, to blog/write, and to within that, Face All of me. To understand and assist myself to Forgive and Release who I am as a Slave to/as my mind.   To redesign myself, and to forever Stand in Full Support of Life, through supporting an Equal Money System.

I can no longer deny the truth. That Life, within our current Money System, is Cruel, and Deadly. And, I am no longer willing to accept this as the kind of world we offer to the children who continue to be born here.

I re-commit myself to my process of walking/daily blogging my Journey to Life,  to take Self-responsibility for who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions/reactions and to forgive, release and redesign myself according to and as all as one as equal.

Because, what’s considered ‘normal’ within our world, is Starvation, Poverty, Profit over loss of life, and that, is unacceptable.

I commit myself to redefine who I am as ‘normal’ through becoming a living example of supporting Life according to what’s Best for All.

Alright then, much for me to investigate.  I will continue in my next blog…

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“There cannot be a greater life after this one because this one is creating the next – you cannot be that stupid to believe that from here will flow something better. You move from here to face consequence, so from here at death things gets worse, much worse, because you have to face what you have allowed. We suggest you do it, face it right here. You die in fact alive in the physical through self-forgiveness taking yourself to nothingness where you stop what you’ve allowed. Where you then emerge like you did as a child from the womb, from this darkness, this nothingness, and it’s not to fear because you did come from it.” Bernard Poolman

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Recommed Watching: Awakening to Purpose