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Day 272: Woman to Woman

unite1I’m not sure exactly how old I was the first time I knew I wanted to be a woman that other women would refer to as tough.

It was around the time I was in the 6th grade,- and as it would happen, I would have the same specific thought pattern occur many times throughout my life – where within my mind, I believed I could ‘think’ my way’ to being ‘tough’. The thoughts were nothing more than a desire to be seen by other women as a woman who is ‘tough’.

I was serious about it to, and within my mind, in how I defined myself, came with it an energetic feeling that began around the top of my head and worked it’s way slowly down my physical body. It was like I experienced myself as giving myself some sort of mental armor.  Within that mental armor I pretended I could temporarily protect myself from getting my feelings hurt. It was  all about the energy and participating in certain thought pattterns kept a positive energetic experience seemingly intact.

This wanting to be seen as ‘tough’ came to be the way in which I would give myself a false sense of security until finally I began to notice how when I’d be in the energy of it my chest would somewhat stick out and my physical body would experience a stiffness. It was like being on guard within myself and border lining on paranoia.

This is a point I’ve been investigating as I seen myself recently unfold, so to speak. This when after 13 months, my daughter, her partner and my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter recently moved into a place of their own. It was the moment when they first left, and as they drove out of sight, it was like I saw myself finally let my guard down, and what I realized about myself was how since the moment they moved in, I became that ‘toughness’ that I’ve just been referring to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other women’s  opinions of me as being tough to be important because it gave me an excuse to keep my distance within the relationships, to never completely give my all for fear that if I give my all, I will be hurt, left alone in a display of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become focused on and tempted by the energy that came with the thoughts and feelings of believing myself as being tough and for how I overlooked the fact that what I was experiencing within myself was based solely upon the specific relationship that I was having within and as my mind and projecting it unto the relationships within my life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into that ‘tough’ person/character, I stop, I breathe. I see realize and understand that I am aware of the energetic/feeling that I get around the top area of my head right above my eyebrows as an indicator for me to Stop, Breathe,  Remain aware, to not allow myself to go further into and as the energy. To instead give myself the opportunity to change in the moment to one where I share an intimate moment of equality with another living being, where we see ourself in each other – within an otherwise awkward moment – to within an intimate understanding of each other as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand, that in keeping my relationships with others working as a character who is ‘tough’, keeps me focused on the illusion as the relationship with the characters within and as my mind – which ultimately keeps fueling my mind through energy fluctuations of positive and negative as the drama of hope and the feeling of love is played throughout the relationships that I’ve had not only with women, but with men as well, therefore,  I commit myself to redefine who I am within and as the relationship.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to the best of my ability, move myself to do what is required in order of me in order to bring forth a World/Money System that will function according to what’s Best for All.

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Women to Women, Please Investigate The Basic Income Guaranteed

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Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

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Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

While I was sleeping the other night I had this dream, it had my mom in it. My mom passed away almost 11 years ago and after doing a Mother-Daughter Mind Construct through Desteni I Process some 2 years ago, I’ve not dreamt about her since. So this was interesting to have this dream because I rarely dream and so when I do, I’ve been able to use it to assist myself in my process. This particular dream assisted me to realize something while I was sleeping. Here‘s how:

In my dream, me and my mom were looking at stuffed animals, specifically stuffed animals that could electronically move which caused them to be especially ‘life like’. Now, when my mom was alive, she didn’t really care about owning a Real-Life dog or a cat, but she loved buying the toy like stuffed animals and would place them throughout her entire house.

It’s strange to look at this point with the memories of myself back then. I mean, at the time I was in love with how she collected so many knick-knacks, like stuffed animals and such. She created an environment that represented coziness and comfort for me within my mind. This was how I experienced myself in my dream,  I was Witness to how I was being comforted by my mom’s spending habits!  Comforted by the ‘things’ my mom collected. Her ‘pretty’s’ as she called them. For me, her collections, was like having one’s own game of thrones.

I saw how when I would walk into her house, I felt like the world wasn’t gonna eat me alive. I felt safe within the ‘idea in my mind‘ that ‘this is my mom’s house’, my home, and no matter how much I screw up/ fall, mom will always be here to pick up the pieces for me – to show me the way. As that, I didn’t know the first thing about taking responsibility for myself much less take responsibility for how our World exists.  When I investigate the ‘real’ relationship my mom and I had, it wasn’t anything like what my mind would have had me believe.

The reality was, my mom and I simply existed in personality designs as mother vs daughter. As we both got older, we found our place in each other through what we were both willing to accept and allow of ourselves  – the kind of acceptance where you hide within pretty words and pretty ideas, never looking deeper because you fear what you might see.  Our relationship had become a series of sweeping reality under the rug so to speak.  Never confronting the Reality of ourself and our world.  So for me this dream was All about showing me to myself and it was quite humbling,  because Everything about it was for me to see as an example of what it’s time to Let Go of.

Artwork By: Maya Harel
Equalmoney33Now this dream came about 10 days after Bernard Poolman‘s passing and it’s interesting because my relationship with Bernard had the obvious thing in common to the relationship I had with my mom in that, it brought me great comfort. Comfort in knowing Bernard Poolman was here and could always be depended upon.  I’d rather say that I didn’t make Bernard out to be a God, but, I kinda did.  I mean, he was the finest example of what a Human being can be as anyone I’ve ever been acquainted with.

So, to be clear, what I’m trying to say is, I see, realize and understand that there’s much to do here within our World. That what must be done here to make Life acceptable is more than any one human alone can accomplish. The fact is, it’s going to take us All to sort out all that we’ve accepted and allowed as what and how our World currently exist. I mean, thousands of children are starving daily and all we can think to do is to keep giving people tons of money to entertain us. That doesn’t make sense that a few should have everything while the majority have little to nothing.

This is what I realized while I was sleeping, that it’s time to Stand Responsible for the Relationship we have with Ourself and Each other.   To Stop living on time as emotions and feelings and reactions.  To Stop looking for Gods and Start Manifesting Heaven on Earth.

It’s time to support each other within the realization that this is our purpose for being here.  To come together and make sure Everyone has Everything they require for a Life of Dignity – that they’re able to Practically care for their Physical body and this Physical Reality.

We’ve got to Give to Humanity the Solution of What’s best for All and Replace our current Money System.

Let’s get it done…

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“I commit myself to show that when the starting point is life equally respected in each other, the fundamental premise to give so that you may receive is immediately grasped to such an extent that irrational fear evaporates.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to restore the common sense trust in the physical reality that is the giver of life, to restore order in an irrational , illusory world of consciousness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to demonstrate the oneness interdependency between all parts of the physical realm that together form the body that is life through which we have been destroying the Earth, and our life will end and therefore we cannot continue to live as if we are separate of the real reality without permanent consequence.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that changing me will not be enough to change the world as it will require the change of everyone, and that if I allow others to not walk the process to life, I submit my life to be imprisoned to their self-interest. Therefore, for my own freedom from abuse I must take self-responsibility automatically for every other human – in their face – until they realize that I will not accept them as my prison warden, and that I will not be their prisoner. I will set me as life free, no matter what it takes.” Bernard Poolman

I re-read this particular self forgiveness written by Bernard Poolman today,  and it dawned on me how I’ve been making my process so much harder for myself. I’ll share an experience that I recently had with one of my children to give an example of how I began to see this.

I was standing there talking with my oldest daughter, one on one, face to face. And, I began to realize how I was having difficulty looking her in the eye as we spoke to each other. I could barely do it. Why not?

confessions of a mom

Asking myself that question is when I began to see myself as this mom/personAlity.  It’s who I become when I’m with her.

God,  as I saw myself, all I could do was stand there and focus on my breath.

Focused on my breathing, I was able to see her in her eyes rather than judge her through the mirrors of my eyes/mind.  I saw in that moment that it was me I was actually judging even as I ‘thought’ I was judging her.

It was then that I realized I was seeing the epitome of my self, like a condensed version of myself and honestly, I didn’t want to see.  No wonder I couldn’t look her in the eye…

I didn’t want to look close enough to see me,  the Self interest I was existing in/as. I didn’t want to see the reflection in the pit of me as what I’ve accepted and allowed in not taking responsibility for myself/my relationships and for the shit storm our world is existing in.  It is not easy to see, to understand how all this has come about, but it’s necessary for me to face because ‘We’ as the World, We’re in serious trouble.

I began to see this as I stood there, and I realized that the very nature of who I’ve been as an automated version/personality of myself, according to who I have believed that I’m supposed to be when I’m around my daughter, my children, it’s not only become extremely uncomfortable for me physically – to try and be that –  it’s also, well, it’s absolutely dishonest and unpractical in every single way.

I see more clearly now than ever before that it’s time for me to put into Action my taking Responsibility for myself, taking responsibility for my Relationships, as well as taking Responsibility for how our current World/Money system exists.  Because the fact is,  I realize that I have Changed within myself thus, I must put that Change into action as who I am Supporting a World according to what’s best for All.

I am No longer willing to accept such a personality/automated character of myself as that which I become in the presence of my daughter/ my children/ my world, because I see, realize and understand with immense clarity that doing so presents absolutely no practical support for myself, for my children, nor for All Life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be what my child wants me to be and how that fear in itself is the result of my own dishonest behaviors, things I did, who I became in my search for an ‘idea’ about myself.

I commit myself to Stop the search for myself because it’s all been based on an idea within my mind when the fact is the search ends here as I am not lost, I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I judge in others as the values they give to how they look and how they act is actually  reflections of/as that which I have placed value in/as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self responsible means that I cannot expect anything less than to give unto All unconditionally that which I myself would want given to me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that within me I have changed thus I must now walk as the self corrective action to re-design myself in support of life giving to another as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to Not hold this against myself, to give myself the opportunity to change, to see, realize and understand that who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become will require strict self correction and self direction with a commitment to self that I am willing and able to provide for myself,  so that I will become self supportive of life itself,  beginning first with taking self responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to be in every moment, breath by breath.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the tools, tools that I accepted as the tools for/as Life some time ago through Desteni and Bernard Poolman,  tools that I committed myself to as I walk my Journey to Life, thus, I re-commit myself to apply such tools practically in every moment and to never forget who I am as living Responsible for myself according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to set me as life free, no matter what it takes, breath by breath.

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“I commit myself to be the parent I must be with my children, so that they will result in the living flesh that is freely life in expression here on Earth.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to walk the time that is required to delete through self-forgiveness from my flesh the abuse that I have allowed the living flesh to become, and then to re-birth myself and gift to my flesh Life, as what is best for all Life, as the living participant, till this is done. Clearly stable, trustworthy, effective, and it results in a world changed to in every way reflect that which is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to prepare the way before all children to be that of life by confronting the accepted foundation as parenting of the world system as it reflects in education, religion, government, and all other systems that protect the current abusive parental system until parenting is in fact that which guarantee that in every way every child will always be educated to be that which is best for all life, and through this we will guarantee a world that is best for all.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 30: The Soot of Happiness in falling in love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in the human plan for myself and for my future happiness I was willing to adopt an appropriate personality in order to adopt an adequate relationship to fuel my purpose which began and ended like a puff of smoke leaving ashes and soot as the remains of the consequential outflows of the me I willingly imposed upon the lives of others as I left in pretense of caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my pursuit of happiness begin in a rush of dependency for/as energy in/as self-interest where I pretended first to myself that love was real even when I knew that to love meant to fall I still avoided the truth of myself because I enjoyed the thrill of the chase and the high end of the energy not realizing that the fall meant I was sacrificing the life of/as my physical body.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the pure nonsense of believing in pure love when the consequence of love manifests itself in and as hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek happiness through love as a condition dependent upon selfish motives of making an experience for myself regardless of the effects the experience may have on the lives of others and our physical body and reality.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my pursuit of happiness always meant sacrificing the lives of others where if one live in luxury then another must live in the soot of hell on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the mark of the beast upon this earth in my lack of consideration for how my participation within and as my mind as consciousness and my experiences in and as feelings and emotions have been affecting the very nature of life here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for love, instead of realizing that love can only be real when it is in fact an act which allows life to be given to all as one wishes to receive for themselves and love thy neighbor as thyself is a manner of living where not one life will suffer in silence ever again.

I commit myself to never again fall for falling in love as I see/realize and understand that the energy cycle of the mind in and as the pursuit of love abdicates itself as life within the cycles of abuse as it sucks the life from our physical body and our physical reality.

I commit myself to supporting a system where love is proven through giving one to another a world where all life is allowed a quality of life which is best for all.

I commit myself to the realization that love thus far been here to distract us within personalitysuits of self-interest and thus in order for love to be an actual living reality requires breathing and walking each one in self-honesty according to what’s best for all.


Suggest the following blogs for further perspectives and self-support:

Creation’s Journey to Life

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Day 15: Relationship Failure: She’s Come Undone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if a part of me is coming undone within at least two personalities of me as my mind within my relationship in that I feel as if I’ve become the lie in liability, where when I’m around my friends, I have confidence and a sense of assurance with/as myself however limited it may be, but then the moment my partner walks into the picture, it’s as if my mind goes into freeze mode as I attempt to teeter back and forth for pretend sake when really what’s happening within me is I hear my backchat saying, ‘she’s come undone’, which is me as the picture personality that I’ve accepted myself to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as two personality designs, both of which exist within my relationship as one being when I’m alone with my partner as the ‘love personality’ and the other one as who I am when I’m alone with friends as the ‘enjoying friends personality’, and when the two intermingle, it’s as if two worlds are colliding and I don’t know which one to hold onto or even if really want either one.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the existence of myself as a personality to my partner and my friends when secretly I realize that I’m not really fooling anyone except myself within a point of self-dishonesty and self-denial.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed and possessed in living the demons as me as the pictures in my mind of how I always believed and desired life and relationships to be even if it meant dishonesty towards another – instead of realizing that the picture in my mind as the demon/personality was put there by me as a way of avoiding me as who I really am beneath all the pain I’ve absorbed into and as me through fear and denial of myself as who I am in seeing that I am responsible for/ how here exists within this world of pain, suffering and hate and downright disregard to/towards life. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sexual energy in the beginning of a relationship and/or encounter was anything other than the want/desire to have sexual intercourse as a way of maintaining me as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to presume the energy friction related to having sex with someone as being something that is worthy of building my whole life around as well as the future lives of children.

I forgive myself that I did not see and realize that the initial ‘feeling of love’ was and is Not practical nor sustaining. as I’ve seen and walked the energy of ‘love’ before and thus I realize that ‘love’ as it exists within this world cannot and will not last as an effective platform to begin a relationship into an agreement that will ultimately provide self-honest support between two human beings, nor does it offer any measure of sustainability of 2getherness as one within and/as a union to be one of intimacy, tenderness and communication.

I forgive myself for wanting to create myself into a love story that I heard stories about and/or saw in pictures, which I then added emotions and feelings to and created my own mind illusion surrounding the idea of a Love Story, thus only creating illusions as mind masturbation which can never be real within what is actually real within our physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create life as a reaLIEty of lies – instead of life walked in honesty to self as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for the moments of resisting physical touch because I felt threatened by inadequacies that I had accepted as real according to an idea of myself within my mind based upon pictures that I gave myself based upon a principle born in self-dishonesty, self-loathing and self-hate.

I forgive myself for blaming others for how I perceive myself to be experiencing myself through the direction as the mind as consciousness as judgments, justifications, victimization and according to events/scenario’s within my life in which I’ve reacted to/towards.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget about the most important part of any relationship/agreement, that being first and foremost to breathe and direct myself in and as self-honesty and always according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry and resentful towards my partner when I’d get a sick feeling within my solar plexus and blame him for how I was experiencing myself in regret and embarrassment for denying and suppressing any point of self expression to emerge in an attempt to get my own attention so to stop what I was putting myself as my physical body as me through in self-abusive behavior in and as mind participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and shameful in believing that I let my partner down when in fact it is Not possible to let one single individual ‘down’, it is only possible to let myself down by abdicating myself from life itself by Not standing up and facing me in self-honesty and calling out my own bullshit – and to STOP – Breathe and align myself through Self-Corrective Application Walking – because life is not about what’s best for one, Life is about what’s best for All.

Art By Ann Van den Broeck

I commit to stopping myself from excusing/validating and/or justifying internal reactions towards another and to always bring it back to self in taking self-responsibility in the moment.

I commit myself to making peace within myself through self-forgiveness and within self-honesty wherein I may direct myself in assisting all living beings in ways that are practical and best for all life and thus the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to getting self-honest with my mind as me to create and establish a relationship with myself wherein I remain an aware occupant of myself and to move myself as a point of change within and as my physical reality in a way that will result in what is best for all relationships as that which is best for and as all life.

“I commit myself to put all trust in right relationships where I will play the part of one pole to make sure that no uneven polarity is created through which life will be imprisoned to the illusions of energetic consciousness to make sure that life as the physical is respected and supported as it was intended as the dominion that was given.” Bernard Poolman

Visit the followoing Blog for Support with Relationships and Self Forgiveness:
Day 13: Failed Relationships
By Creation’s Journey to Life