So yesterday I ate quite a bit of watermelon. Watermelon is a natural diuretic and assists our kidney’s to rid themself of toxins which is awesome. However, the problem is that when I eat so much of it late in the evening then when I go to bed, I’m like up every hour and a half to pee. So every time I got up last night to pee, I became aware of how my mind took the opportunity to attack me with backchat and internal conversations which went like this:
“what if what I’m doing doesn’t get rid of the cancer“
“what if I am dead within the year”
“I don’t want to die!”
“what am I going to do if the cancer doesn’t go away”
“no one will miss me when I die”
“I don’t want to have cancer”
“I’m sick of having cancer”
“What am I going to do, I’m scared“
Alright, so this sort of backchat went on all night long and this is not the first time. So it’s time for me to stop avoiding investigating what’s really going on within me when this happens. Because I mean, what I know about my mind as consciousness , is that it doesn’t really lead, it pulls and pulls until it enlists our full participation and when that happens, nothing else matters except the fear that one is then locked into and as.
And, the fact is, even though I’ve always been aware of my fear of death and/or the fear of losing one of my children to death, I’ve never slowed myself down and actually investigated what the hell I’m actually scared of. Because I mean, everything I know about death and dying I’ve learned either from teachings from the bible, from friends and family and/or from what I’ve seen in movies.
So,, as I look at the backchat/ the thoughts, I already realize that when facing them, the fear of them is instantly gone. I realize that my fear of death isn’t necessarily an actual fear of dying, but more a fear of missing out on what may or may not happen to my relationships if I’m not here – like will my partner find someone else/replace me and/or will my children and my grandchildren miss me?
Mostly, what I’ve come to realize it that my fear of death is embedded deep in self interest. This is not really surprising because everything about me and how I’ve lived my life is/has been deeply rooted in self interest.
I mean it’s insane really because my fear of death is more the fear of disturbing the emotional happiness of my mind. Meaning, me as my mind just wants to ‘feel’ better and in my pursuit of happiness, I’ve never considered the happiness and well being of others.
I also have to consider how in the past 3 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, many of my daily habits have changed and this has caused me as my mind to feel uncomfortable and like I’m losing my perception of being in control.
For instance, I used to spend a lot of time cooking for my partner and my family, but now that my diet is so restricted, I no longer spend a lot time in the kitchen. Instead I have focused on putting the needs of my physical body first and honestly, me as my mind hasn’t liked it.
My mind wants to take precedent over my relationship with my physical body and it’s looking for me to validate it in some way because after all, I’ve taken away my favorite foods, I no longer take drugs or smoke or participate in energetic goings on like gambling and gossip. And, I’ve been standing strong in the commitment I made, to for the first time in my life, give the utmost care and attention to physical body and quite frankly, me as my mind, isn’t taking kindly to it.
I mean it’s interesting in that we say we fear dying but we’re not actually interested in taking care of the one thing that keeps us here, which is our physical body.
So definitely more than anything it’s my self interest as my mind that fears death, and as such is taking every opportunity to get my attention because it wants, needs and requires energy! And one way to get energy is through emotions, feelings, reactions and fear.
The fact is, what I’m really scared of is the fear of not living This life to its fullest potential, and, I fear giving up and I fear failing. I fear that I will forget what I’ve come to see, realize and understand as the most important part of living, Giving to All that which I’d like to receive.
So, how I will stop myself as consciousness from attacking myself and giving up on myself? With self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and self-direction. And, Fortunately, through Desteni I Process, I have just the tools to assist myself to change the nature of who I am within self interest and fear. To direct myself to walk this moment, this life, in a way that will bring about a world that supports All life, according to what’s best for all…
Ok, that’s all for tonight.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to stop causing side-effects of destruction and hatred, for as long as we are on the receiving end of the positive effect, we claim in our own mind that we must be acting in acceptable ways that those that are effected by the negative side of the effect brought it upon themselves, demonstrating the extreme level of self-interest used as the starting point to abuse cause and effect on Earth.” ~Bernard Poolman
“I commit myself to bring to awareness that life abdicated to self-interest is in fact the abdication of the right to life which will become clear at death, yet the common sense of the effect is in fact realized by every human in spite of the overwhelming voice of self-interest in the head.” ~Bernard Poolman
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