On April 17 2013, after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I began applying the Metabolic Cancer Cure regime – which includes nutrition therapy, enzyme and vitamin therapy. For further clarity please read One Answer to Cancer.
As I’ve shared before, following the diet has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done and what I’m realizing is that as I’ve been designing my daily routine I’ve been aware of how I’ve been withdrawing within myself in fear, isolation and paranoia within an illusion that I have about what my death will be like. The illusion itself has been an effective manipulation tool and one I’ve secretly held within me as I’ve focused on making sure my daily routine resulted in an adequate healing environment for my physical body – all the while secretly participating in my illusion of death which fueled inner backchat / internal conversations and evolved into paranoia.
Artwork by Matti Freeman
There is also a relationship connection where my paranoia conflicts with the daily commitment I made to myself to investigate who I am as consciousness as my mind – the committment to write and keep a daily account of my process and to forgive and redesign myself according to what’s best for all.
So, instead of applying myself with writing and self-forgiveness /self-correction – I’ve been paranoid and experiencing resistance to daily writing and as a result, I’ve not been consistent with documenting my process of walking with breast cancer. So, what I’m realizing is that not doing so is manifesting more fear / paranoia within me which serves to fuel the very thing as the resistance that I’m having difficulty moving through and thus I haven’t been able to face the reality of who I am within this all.
And, I mean I’ve only recently become aware of how, with regards to death and dying, I’ve had a fairytale about it in how I ‘thought’ my death would be. So now, facing the reality of how much pleasure I’ve taken from my own death illusion, it’s like, it’s quite disturbing…Because, within my secret mind, for years I’ve imagined that I would die in my sleep, kind of graceful like – similar to what’s described in the Eqafe interview: Dying in your Sleep – Death Research, which certainly got my attention. It’s a Must hear!
“Illusion is the first of all pleasures.” ~ Oscar Wilde
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a preference in how I will die because I’ve defined death and dying as having failed at life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my death will be like the fairy tales I grew up with where the death and dying experience is romanticized as something that can be done gracefully.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a paranoia from within an energetic reactive relationship to my fear within the idea of what will happen to me now that I have breast cancer and within that for participating in the backchat / thoughts further fueling the illusion within my mind and therefore keeping myself in inner conflict which produces resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so caught up in fear, paranoia and an illusion of how Not to experience death that I never actually considered what it would mean to live life without suppression, control and domination as how we exist now within and as our current world/money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give pleasure and meaning to my illusions of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the past as a memory / illusion onto myself as the thought of how I would walk my process if I were to become ill/sick/diseased.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid investigating the pre-existing memories / relationships and programming in relation to death within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in relation to death I have an entire personality system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and therefore give up on life.
When and as I see myself wanting to react in/ as a negative and/or positive energetic experience specifically related to the idea/ illusions that I have about dying from cancer, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that me as my mind is using energy to justify my fear of facing the reality of my situation, as that of having cancer and the fear of dying from cancer.
I commit myself to stop justifying and giving myself reasons why it’s ok to avoid facing my fear of dying from cancer which is actually a fear of taking self responsibility for what is actually real within my reality therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing who I am void of my illusions / fairytales in relationship to the reality of life and death.
I commit myself to further investigate who I am in relation to death as a personality system and to one by one stop the illusions of the happily ever after life and death fairytales within my mind.
I commit myself to assist and support myself in my process in realizing the life opportunity that exists within being here with the ability to write myself to freedom with No regrets as I continue here my Journey to Life in calling the beast by it’s name and facing who I am as breast cancer by/through beginning in this moment to document and blog this my Journey to Life.
I commit myself to face reality, to come to terms with how this reality actually exist within our current world/money system so that I can place myself in a position to change it to one that supports life according to what’s best for all.
more to come…
“The point of Writing is to Prepare oneself to Overcome the Ideology that Consciousness presents as Individuality. It’s not making things pretty, because pretty only exist in Consciousness. Writing separates those that will be able to eventually become equal as Life from those that will Not. Because those that will – do the Physical part of Writing, will demonstrate and be able to empower themselves to structurally co-exist with other living forms and First get the Importance that only as a group, where no Individuality exists that seek self interest – will be able to Bring the Primary Group on Earth, which is Life, to Fruition. So, Consciousness in itself is the greatest limitation, because it limits one to your individual illusion and Consciousness always argues for its right to be limited, because through that: it can claim it’s not responsible for what is actually happening on Earth. Thought in itself is a representation of the acceptance of Limitation to Individual Illusion. When Life is Realised: the Illusion of Individuality disappears and Life Remains. Yet, an Astounding event emerges – REAL Individual Form in Great Unique Magnificence emerge, one that exists as Glory of Life without Fear.” – Bernard Poolman