Day 234: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – may we not be found wanting/desiring – Day 19

For Context Read: Day 233: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Surviving Normal & Desteni – Day 18

“May we not be found wanting/desiring.” Bernard Poolman

I read that quote by Bernard for the first time some 4 years ago or so and today it assisted me to remember to breathe…It’s been raining all day which is great because we need the rain. The problem is the constant sound of the slow rain began to activate a memory of myself sitting in front of the t.v., watching a romantic comedy on the t.v., and eating my favorite comfort food. Before I know it I processed that memory into thinking and imagining myself eating a big bowl of mac and cheese or a big slice of chocolate cake.

(Suggest to Read for Claritly: Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377)

wanting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and long for a relationship to food to provide an energetic experience for my mind defined as comfort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by ingesting certain foods that create a chemical feeling experience of happiness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the positive energy experience from eating sugar and chocolate and coffee to stimulate and motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food for a relationship as a replacement to having a relationship / self-intimacy with who I am as my physical body.

It’s crazy how strong the desire within me is to just give in and allow myself to eat anything and everything that I want. But I mean, then what? What I know is that I’ve done that a million times in my life so I already know that nothing is ever as great as the idea of it within our mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the memory of myself sitting at home on a rainy day watching feel good movies and eating as a way of comforting myself to avoid facing who I am within the fear and hollowness of longing.

So, how come I keep taking the bait so to speak? How come I keep giving in to the temptation to participate in the thoughts about eating dead food when I know full well that I will Not give in and eat that which will harm my physical body/ process of healing?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ingest foods according to my own personal interests/opinions and fears as a brainwashed consumer.

Following the Metabolic Diet and eating absolutely no cooked / processed foods is part of the alternative treatment plan that I have chosen to assist my body to dissolve the cancer safely and successfully, so following it to a T is imperative. In my case, it may mean the difference in life or death.

Recently I’ve been investigating who I am with regards to my experience with ‘longing’. The longing to be loved is usually what one might think of when looking at their experience with longing, but for me in this moment my lack of the ability to carry on my relationship to the foods I’ve used for comfort is in immediate need for attention.

It seems like I’ve always longed for something or someone. And the thing about it, even when I got what or who I was longing for, it was never as wonderful as I imagined it would be. Mostly my experience with longing has been one where it’s as if I’m supposed to hold onto something or someone and never let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future without something to look forward to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for something to put into my mouth as a way to pacify and manipulate myself to the point where I settle into my own little world within my mind and the hell with everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking self-responsibility for the horrors that occur daily within our world/money system because to acknowledge them would mean admitting that I to am responsible for accepting and allowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something and/or someone as that which I have a relationship with as being important, valuable and precious because I see, realize and understand that within that exist fear of loss, fear of losing my relationships and definitions which has been the very structure of my existence and that which I fear giving up.

When and as I see myself ignoring and/or distracting myself with a memory of my past behaviors on a rainy day I Stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a point that I’ve always avoided which is actually just a point of being ok here with myself, breathing.

When and as I see myself defining something and/or someone that I have a relationship with as  important, valuable and precious, I stop. I Breathe.

I commit myself to stop giving myself excuses, reasons and justifications such as: I still want to do that, I still want to have that, I must still experience this, I must still have that, etc.

Alright, I will continue to investigate this point.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Consumerism and the Way of Influence is Based on the Right of the Consumer to Refuse the Product, yet with the Will Power of the Consumer Influenced, the Profiteer happily transfers Responsibility to the Consumers, always Not with all the Information, but with Enough to Influence the Will of the Consumer. This subtle Brainwash Makes all Humans thusly Influenced without Morals and Not Worthy of Trust – as the Consumers, as Product of Consumerism, will Never Act in the Interest of Life and will in fact see Life as a Threat to their Happiness and Happily Sell their SOULD for just a bit of Happiness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to show that all Abuse on Earth is a Matter of Deliberate Will and that this Deliberateness Accumulates through small allowances to Eventually Look Like Circumstances, while the Outcome was Always Measurable from the beginning. Advertising that molds Will to Brand Loyalty for Instance, uses the Small Measures to Get the Eventual Controlled outcome for Profit and in Part of the Design of individual Will utilized to Shape the will of Man in Consumerism.” Bernard Poolman

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