Today I’m coming to terms with something I’ve realized about myself but have been avoiding facing. How I’ve recently accepted and allowed myself to slip into a sort of depression over my ‘condition’. My condition being Cancer. I’m completely aware of the fact that all I really want to do is curl up in front of the television and zone out even though doing so is no longer enjoyable. I don’t like to admit that I’ve been struggling… Struggling to Not shut down on myself. Struggling to not feel shame and guilt and anger towards myself for not taking better care of me as my physical body. The truth is, depression, shutting down, self avoidance, these are ongoing patterns of mine. It’s how I’ve maintained my many cycles/patterns of survival.
With this Beast as Cancer though, it’s like I’m on unchartered water here because of all the times in my life that I’ve searched for a meaning to Life, for an answer as to why and for who and/or what can I blame this experience of myself? This time, all I can see is me blaming me. I guess I’m realizing that this time, I can’t afford to hide within illusions because for me, it’s never been this real – life or death real that is.
Art By: Anna Brix Thomsen
I mean, I’ve been fortunate. I grew up in a middle class American family who consumed more than we’d likely admit. I never really cared that much about the idea of having to survive in life because I never really understood what it meant to have to actually struggle to survive.
Instead, I’ve spent most all my life dreaming of being special until I finally believed I was. I never cared to notice that within my self interest patterns was my separation from others and how in my separation I was fueling my very own patterns of survival, enslaved to and as my mind as consciousness..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the victim card as a way of giving myself permission to fear, to justify watching my life in time pass me by/ not taking self responsibility for myself and the world as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have done something wrong which is why I have cancer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and blame myself for not taking care of my physical body and thus I must deserve to have cancer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become involved in self delusions and self deception by recognizing my fear of cancer as being the excuse to participate as such.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an incredible capacity to rationalize anything which I see is in support of my immediate self interest.
When and as I see myself withdrawing, where I park myself in front of the television to zone out/ be depressed/ blame and become angry at myself, I stop, I breathe. Instead I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern of depression that me as my mind has become in order to avoid taking self responsibility for who I am and what I have accepted and allowed and I commit myself to push through the resistance of hiding, to instead write and forgive myself for the fear of facing all of me, within and so without.
I commit myself to stop blaming/being angry at myself.
I commit myself to push through the resistance of not wanting to blog.
I commit myself to stop giving in to this particular pattern of self interest, ego and greed.
I commit myself to continue to expose the atrocity of orthodox medicine and it’s treatment of cancer.
I commit myself to life as all as one as equal.