For Context Read:
Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’
Here I’m continuing to share my daily experience as I walk this the 2nd day after hearing the words: ‘it’s cancer’.
There’s no room for pretending, a part of me wants to crawl in bed and hide under the covers, but there’s nowhere to escape the Beast I’m facing, the ‘Beast being Breast Cancer’.
The frightening thing about the Beast is the knowledge of it within my mind. The fear in realizing myself within a life threatening condition which is surrounding me all the time.
And, I mean, I don’t ‘feel sick’, but I can tell that within my mind, it’s preprogrammed to go into ‘Survival Mode’, which is actually a fear of being sick or rather the avoidance of facing the fact that this may kill me – man, when the reality of that hits me, the fear sweeps in like a giant force of light and heat seems to engulf me. For a moment it feels like more than I can bear.
I’ve also noticed some physical symptoms of anxiety that’s been manifesting nausea in the pit of my stomach. Earlier I experienced myself as mentally exhausted where my eyes became heavy and I pushed through the idea of taking a nap through breathing. Fortunately my granddaughter assists me by getting my attention to help me to remember to breathe and keep it simple.
A couple of times today, I caught myself wanting to participate in a memory of myself where my whole family was at a birthday party. It’s a memory of when my mom, my brother and my sister were still alive, and the memory of it, damn it comforts me.
But I mean every memory provides a sort of comfort especially because the time frame of the memories are of course before 2 days ago – before I heard the words ‘it’s cancer’. Wow, it’s a hell of a trip….
So basically, my mind wants to freak out and so ‘as my mind I’m attempting to maintain some sense of control’ – searching for a memory to try and make myself believe I’m in control of my world – when all I’m really doing is replacing a negative energy experience of myself with a positive one.
I’ve been able to determine that participating in such – replacing a negative energetic experience with a positive one – creates a multitude of possible consequences within and as our physical body – which creates more anxiety, and I can see this as my physical body will become stiff and unmovable and where I’m not breathing properly…
So yeah, it’s my own grieving process and already I’m seeing my mind attempt to pre-judge my past decision making and my ability to take self-responsibility. So as was suggested to me by Bernard, I’m not going to allow myself to pre-judge anything.
I remembered something today that I had wrote down that Mykey says in an Eqafe interview which is really a cool perspective:
“Consciusness can only possess you with that which you are Not aware of, that which you have Not taken responsibility for and/or, with that which you’re not Standing equal to and one with.” Mykey, Demons in the Afterlife
Ok, it’s getting late, I will continue to investigate how and why my mind as Consciousness wants, above everything else, safety from the Beast.
Artwork by Scott Cook –
Designed for the series: Demons in the Afterlife