Day 216: A Means to an end

For Context Read:

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 214: Touch it

Day 215: The results show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access a negative energy experience of nausea when I think about having cancer within and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative energy experience of impending doom – where within me as my physical body I experience a sudden case of the chills, like I’ve suffered a shock to my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the little girl who dreamt a childhood dream of living happily ever after because I see, realize and understand how within our world happily ever after exists only within our mind as it’s only Money that buys happiness as a means to an end.

childhood dream
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teeter from accessing a negative energy experience to a positive energy experience and from there experience an energy experience of Que será, será or ‘what ever will be will be’, because I see, realize and understand that energetic polarity equations and harmful and destructive unto my physical body/physical world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate myself as having a negative energy experience of fatigue and according to the worst possible outcome, such as having an advanced stage of breast cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and internal conversations like, ‘when I’m gone who’s going to miss me’, because I see, realize and understand that that is a reaction of my mind as consciousness attempting to gain some sense of control for feeling out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in curiosity through desire in search for comfort through reading/knowledge and information about breast cancer and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself according to a ‘means to an end attitude’, meaning the purpose of my actions were for the sole purpose of achieving something in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having radiation and/or chemotherapy treatments where I have said that I would never allow myself to do that to my physical body, when the fact is me as my ego believed that I was to good/superior for something like cancer to happen to me, religion of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the projection of the future life that I thought I had planned out carefully for my partner and I, where I imagined us spending every day enjoying ourselves while we grow old together when the fact is, that dream always scared the hell out of me because I’ve always feared growing old and ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pity to manipulate myself into ignoring me as my physical body and thus have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself through self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my life according to equations of time, love, money and debt instead of life within every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-interest to be the loudest sound within me.

I commit myself to dedicate myself stop self-interest through investigating and educating myself to the ways of how our current world/money systems function, to further my ability to understand what it really means to give and we would like to receive.

I commit myself stop living my life with a ‘means to an end’ attitude, to instead direct myself and my decisions, as who I am, according to what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself accessing a negative energy experience where I anticipate the worst possible outcome for surviving cancer – I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that to anticipate the worst possible outcome is creating an energetic experience out of something that in this moment doesn’t exist.

I commit myself to stop participating in backchat and internal conversations where I imagine myself looking like the pictures I’ve seen of woman fighting breast cancer and I see, realize and understand that I have no way of knowing for sure exactly what outcome to expect and thus I commit myself to stop expecting and breathe.

When and as I see myself go into an negative experience where I experience myself within a self-defined feeling of impending doom, where within me as my physical body I experience sudden chills like being in a slight state of shock – I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to stop participating in a thought/image that flashes through my mind of women ‘fighting to survive’ breast cancer and to see, realize and understand that the thousands of photos, advertisements and images within my mind are a reminder for me to see what I have accepted and allowed to exist as accumulated consequences within myself and our money/world systems, thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe and realize that I do not have to have the answers for tomorrow today, all that is required is to breathe.

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