Day 214: Touch it

While I was taking my shower this evening I became aware of how much the warmth of the water splashing from the shower head onto my skin and slowly drizzling down every inch of my body became a moment of self awareness. I breathed in as I gently began to touch, to embrace and hold onto myself as my breasts. As I continued I told myself to Touch it and then remembered when Emmeline first began to sound out words and when she touched something new, she would say to me: “Touch it”.
Since even before I found the lump in my breast, I participated in bullying myself through self-judgment. But recently, I’ve been scared to touch my breast because when I feel the touch of the lump within it, it scares the hell out of me. I don’t even want to share this about myself probably because I’m seeing myself through my own eyes as less than. How strange is it to do that to oneself? And why does it take a physically manifested consequence to get me to focus on who I am as breath within and as me as my physical body?

touch it
I forgive myself for the picture presentations within my mind as my imagination where I compare myself and bully myself through self-judgment as ‘less than’ through the eyes of me because my breasts don’t match the image within my mind that I’ve desired myself to look like and within and as that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching my breast because who I am as my mind doesn’t have the knowledge and/or information to process the fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to through self-manipulation have ignored me as my physical breasts because of the relationship I have with my breasts within my mind in how I participate in defining them as less than what I see within my mind as pictures/movies/entertainment/ etc.

This whole finding a lump in my breast thing has been a startling change within my life and within my secret mind, I told myself at first that I was unprepared to face whatever this may be. I was wrong.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for me as my physical body and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject parts of me as my physical body and I commit myself to letting go of and allowing the release of the system as the consequence as that which i have physically manifested as a lump within my breast tissue as me.

For Further Context Read:
Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…