Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Problem:

Recently I found a lump in my right breast and I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m not sure how long it’s been there.  Filling out the paperwork for the mammogram and ultrasound that I had today, I wrote that I was pretty sure I first noticed the lump about 4 months ago. The realization that I’ve been so disconnected from who I am as my physical body – so much so that I didn’t notice the thing sooner, is quite disturbing to me.

When the Doctor who was doing the ultrasound decided that I was going to have to schedule a needle biopsy in order to determine if the lump is cancerous or not, I heard a voice in my head say: “Is this it, is this what’s gonna get me”? At the same time, I became aware of myself experiencing myself in disbelief and almost immediately asked myself “am I slipping into some sort of denial”?
I scheduled the biopsy and slowly walked to my car all the while completely aware of a spiraling feeling within me, followed by moments where I felt absolutely frozen in time. in fear of ‘what if‘? The fear of not knowing left me feeling helpless and me as my mind was reacting, spiraling out-of-control.

I was sure that time slowed down to practically nothing as I continued to walk to my car and when I finally sat behind the wheel, I sat quietly and allowed myself to breathe. That was the moment when I was able to remind myself that fearing the unknown does not serve me in any way whatsoever and I committed myself  to come home and write.

what ifSolution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within shame and embarrassment project into the future my own selfish ego/fears – fear of ‘what if’ I become my own mind perception of what is ugly, ‘what if’ my partner no longer wants me, ‘what if’ I’m seen as ‘less of a woman’ by those who know me if I were to have breast cancer or required treatment or removal of my breast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ignore the lump in my breast, to basically ‘sweep the problem under the rug’ so to speak, because I see, realize and understand that in doing so me as my mind wants to continue working with the knowledge and information that I feel I’m able to control, because my mind doesn’t have an understanding/knowledge or information about how to deal with the possibility of having breast cancer – where my mind attempts to activate memories and associations to try and remain in control which is actually self-interest and self-pity motivated in/as negative and positive energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within such separation from me as my physical body that it took me months to notice an irregular lump within my breast tissue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought/image that flashed within my mind of what I might look like if I were to have to have chemo and/or radiation and for the fear of getting ill and dying from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be drawn into my imagination of ‘what if’ where I become a victim of cancer and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see victimization as a way of receiving acknowledgement and attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by energy within ‘the lump sum of what if’s’, ‘what if’ I die and my partner starts a relationship with someone else and ‘what if’ he likes the idea of being able to be with someone new and within that I forgive myself for silently giving myself permission to give up, to not stand stable and responsible for myself and others within my world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my secret mind have an agenda silent even to myself, where I ignore my participation in/as self-abusive behaviors within and as thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic experiences, where my actions are motivated only in my concern about how I might experience myself, instead of facing all of me within the patterns of who, how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as within and as our current abusive world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power in deciding to act according to judgment and ego within and as self-loathing pleasures of ‘what if’, wherein doing so I give permission for me as my physical body to take the blame so to speak, the ultimate lump sum payment/sacrifice for/as foolish acts of discretion of and as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a world/money system where we actually take pride in our daily struggles to survive.

Reward:

I commit myself to let the Fear go, to know that at this point I don’t have all the facts and thus there is actually nothing to fear, thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to remain stable, as stable as possible until the biopsy/results are given to me and only then will I be able to deal with it in relation to the reality thereof – and not through any accumulated reactions projected and/or manifested within me until then.

I commit myself to redefining who I am in relationship with me as my physical body in/as self-intimacy.

I commit myself to STOP Summing the experience of Life as an experience in Fear, thus, when and as I see myself project myself into the future in trying to achieve a reward/experience for myself rooted in self-interest, ego and greed, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself to remain stable as I walk the self-corrective application of redesigning who I am according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for who I am as my mind/physical body relationship and subsequently for the design of our world/money system equally as myself – instead of acting as the Lump sum of all our fears motivated in/as self-interest, ego and greed – to Stand in Complete Support of/as a world/money system that acts Equally in Support of and As All Living Beings.

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When I was writing this blog I recalled when I shaved my head along with many other Destonians. It was a simple way at the time to show my support for a Money System that will ensure that when a child is born, no matter what country they are born to, they will never go without food, clean water, a home, an education, and clean clothes to keep them warm.

But, too bad for humanity,  because We have All fallen victim to a Cancer.  A Cancer we refer to as MONEY.  And admit it or not,  we’ve All at one time or another used Money to manipulate one another into creating our world as it currently exists, with Starvation, Murder and Wars.

We have within us the possibility to change,  beginning with a solution such as the one that LIG proposes.  It’s a living solution that everyone should investigate and seriously consider supporting.

**Update:

After writing this blog, I read todays blog written by Creation’s Journey to Life, thus I had to come back and add the link because it SUMS up the idea of “Shave your Head for a Better World” perfectly.

I invite you to read the entire BlogDay 331: The Cancer Experiment

“The Cancer Experiment was based on a Very Simple Point – we have an Organization around the World that Shaves for Cancer, and in so doing would Promote and Preserve the Pharmaceutical Companies that Profit immensely from the chemicals that they sell for ‘Life threatening diseases’ – making Money, Profiting from Death and getting the populous to Ensure that they can push up the prices by increasing donations through Shaving heads. A similar thing has happened around the Oil Spill with BP – again a Corporation, and where the ‘Goodwill of the People’ was Abused for the purposes of Profit. Interestingly enough: the people don’t Notice that this was the motivation behind their actions, as we have Demonstrated.
We have taken, for instance, Shaving your Head for a World that is Best for All Life – that means the Ultimate Solution for Everyone, which means that Every Cancer patient will get the Best Treatment and it will Cost them Nothing: Life is being Preserved.” Bernard Poolman

2 thoughts on “Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

  1. Cool SF Cathy! I had a lump in my left breast when I was 20. I was watching a breast cancer movie when I started touching my own breast and suddenly felt this lump. I froze I thought at first I was making it all up. Then I asked my mom to feel it and she also felt it, so it had to be real. I went to my doctor who wasn’t sure about it and he sent me to the hospital. I had just like you a mammogram and they were still not sure. Then a doctor wanted to put a needle in the lump to get some fluid out of it and examine it. I refused this because I could feel for myself that it wasn’t a vesicle filled with fluid. So he scheduled an operation and they removed the lump. It wasn’t cancer! It was connective tissue and I found out that I had an harmless disease that produces this kind of lumps out of connective tissue. I already had one on my hip and today I have many of them. When I shaved my head I was worried how the one on my head would look like when I was bold, but no one actually noticed it, they were to shocked about the boldness. lol.

    So Cathy as you wrote, it is too soon to tell what it is, keep breathing and start enjoying and appreciating your body. I’ve started that journey and it is worth it. Wish you all the best.

  2. Thanks for sharing Sylvia. It definitely assists knowing others have gone through something similar that wasn’t cancer. The lump I’ve found seems to be rather fast growing and of course that is what my mind trys to attack me with. And Yes Thank you, I will continue Breathing and appreciating who I am as my physical body.

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