My youngest daughter moved back in with us on December 20th of last year, 2012. It had been almost 5 years since the last time she lived with us, which was the first time she moved back home after moving out right after she passed her GED just months before her 18th birthday, almost 2 years prior. To “The Anti-Reader Personality”, that minute detail will more than likely be extremely unimportant. However, it is undoubtedly an important point for one to consider when one is unravelling and deconstructing the multiple upon multiple personalities and characters that one have existed as during such a time frame.
I mean, our past is always here for us to forgive and walk through. Instead real change never occurs, we continue repeating the same cycles of patterns and behaviors – which are actually just different forms of self-abuse.
Before I began applying the tools provided through Desteni I Process, I wouldn’t have been able to see such points to forgive and become able to walk them through to release through such a practical and giving application.
We all know how ill our emotional patterns with family can leave us feeling and experiencing ourselves within our life. Where with just the right tone and specific words spoken, suddenly, some forgotten, yet familiar backchat and internal conversation returns. When that happens we have two choices: we can either become energetically charged as an automated response pattern/ reaction – which only serves to take us further into our mind and back to the way we were, are, and have always been – stuck in emotional turmoil and personal self-avoidance. Or, we can see such moments as the gift that they are and within that who self really is and how vital it really is to slow oneself down and breathe.
What I’ve noticed is how easy it is to want to hurry and when we hurry we’re not breathing. When we’re not breathing, who we are as our mind slips into automation, old patterns, and here specifically, the mother/ daughter design construct. It’s like re-reading the same book or re-watching the same movie over and over and expecting something new or different to happen every time.
So I’m realizing that I am capable of redesigning who I am and that I can direct myself according to what’s best for all, because when I get a glimpse of myself in self-honesty, I become aware of the importance of releasing the never-ending cycles of generations upon generations of strife – as that which we’ve all existed as. And, I realize it’s going to require a willingness to ‘Let-go’, to thus give back to myself that which I’m willing to forgive myself of through redesigning who I am from within to without. To once-and-for-all Stop the past patterns of me as my mind that I have existed as within the mother/daughter relationship construct and to begin to actually walk this Journey to Life in/as the shoes of another. Thus I will begin here in keeping it simple.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being specific and for how the very meaning of specificity and becoming it in walking my process makes my entire body want to squirm and tense up and retreat thus, I commit myself to slowing myself down and giving me to me as the gift of seeing and hearing and remaining aware of me from the inside out as me as my physical body and mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having negative thoughts and for seeking positive thoughts as a way of deceiving myself into an alternate reality of feel good that actually only exists within my mind and in separation of what is actually here within and as me as my physical world/reality/body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for pretty pictures within my mind in an attempt to avoid experiencing the negative energetic charge that I often felt as a mother during those times when I was sure that I would fail, that I wouldn’t have the Courage to Not become what I beLIEved everyone wanted and needed me to be according to the picture image within my mind within and as the memories I have stored of the relationship between my mother and me and her mother and hers and so on for generation after generation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep score within myself in a way that triggers me to compare myself to other people’s behaviors, where I teeter back and forth between superiority and inferiority using opinions as definitions within which to remain stuck in a belief system of what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto memories that manifest emotional physical pain within and as my physical body because I fear that I won’t know what to do if I forgive myself and let them go.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my limitations wherein I believe that I am the best that I can be and thus have accepted my life and my world as it is as less than giving because giving life Equally to all is determined only through laboring oneself day in and day out in order to earn money for one’s right to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and internal conversations of: ‘Oh no, not again, I can’t do this, and I don’t want to’ because I see, realize and understand that in doing so I am instructing myself to change accordingly, thus telling myself that it’s alright to excuse, justify and give myself reason to remain existing as the very thoughts that continue to enslave me in and as ego, discontent and ultimately self-loathing and playing blame games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate myself in a crisis mode so much so that I experience a sort of separation anxiety within my physical body to the extent that I physically manifest pain surrounding the area of my upper back and into my chest and heart area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as consciousness by arguing for my own limitation where through reacting instead of directing I restrict myself from actually changing who and what I am and how I live, thus limiting myself from actually living the solutions that will ultimately assist us in changing the nature of who we are as Limitation.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing and investigating who I am in specificity and clarity as I deconstruct who I am within and as the mother/daughter relationship.
I commit myself to embrace the specificity of details through walking my process of self-forgiveness.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it’s OK to Forgive myself and let-go during those moments when I see that I am hanging onto the emotional and physical pain that exists as a memory within and as me as my physical body.
I commit myself to stop keeping score.
I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others based upon judgment within the ‘belief’ that there’s a difference between their behavior and mine in that my behavior is right and their behavior is wrong, when in fact there is no right or wrong way to act because that would mean that life can never be anything but a competition, a role playing, an act, when the facts remain clear in that we all exist here together on this Earth, which for me is proof that the Principle of Equality exists here with us as the very Nature of who we are within and as our Physical Body/World/Reality/Existence.
I commit myself to stop and breathe and walk the corrective application in correcting who I am as my mind of patterns and constructs that exists between my daughter and me within and as the mother/child relationship to one that resembles what it is to give as you would like to receive, to thus inevitably change the nature of self as self walks as a living example of what it is to exist within a world where All relationships become Agreements that will support Life to reach it’s fullest potential as Heaven on Earth according to the Principle of Equality.
I commit myself to stop participating in the backchat and internal conversations that I have become aware of with regards to my daughter because I see, realize and understand that when I participate, I am actually arguing for my limitations and instead I breathe and direct myself to walk this point through in self-corrective application.
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into crisis mode because I see, realize and understand that doing so is an energetic boost similar to what a vampire would do in that it sucks the life out of everyone and everything. I commit myself to accept and allow myself the opportunity to stop and breathe.
I commit myself to remaining aware of the fact that within every moment of breath is the opportunity to redesign who I am as my Physical/Mind/Body according to what’s best for all.
I commit myself to really communicating with others without having other mind processes activating while I am in their presence and to really hear what they’re saying/expressing.
I commit myself to redesigning myself into a human being who is able to express oneself without demeaning and undermining others in the process.
“Place yourself in the shoes of another, and make sure you are Willing to Live That Life.” Bernard Poolman
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