Day 82: Seeking for a feeling that I believe is me

Today, I was able to stop myself mid-sentence – when hearing the insanity in/as my automated speaking – in asking my almost 2 year old granddaughter, if she had fun playing at her new babysitters house – which is where she just began going to the day before.

I stopped myself from finishing the question, I breathed and looked into her little eyes looking at me – I saw myself as the abuser in asking her to please hurry and be a memory.

It’s dishonesty, manipulation, self-interest, and, I can only describe it as seeking for a feeling that I believe is me.

I’m beginning to see/realize and understand how we participate in/as memories/characters/personalities in and as thoughts of/as our parents mind in/as our mind as consciousness. Thus, I Suggest reading Heaven’s Journey to Life blog for clarity to understand the nature of how we exist in/as memories/characters/personalities in and as thoughts of/as our parents mind in/as our mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become automated words in/as memories/thoughts/reactions of my parents mind where I as my mind as consciousness continue to subject children to Building a Child’s Character in/as the abusive nature of who we are as a humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through others seek for a reason and/or purpose, a place where I can find that I belong in order to locate a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through manipulation be willing to compromise the lives of others so that I’m able to fulfill a dependency upon experiencing myself as loved, needed and wanted as I seek for a feeling that I believe is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to feel a dependency upon another within what I’ve referred to as love but is in fact dependency and manipulation seeking for a feeling that I believed is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to balance an unbalanced feeling within myself in seeking for a feeling that I believed is me in desiring to be the perfect child to my parents who I saw as less than perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my need for a feeling that I believed was me attempted to be the perfect daughter through pleasing and manipulating my mother so she would appreciate and love me the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be guided by a feeling of something more than a feeling to fill what feels like a missing expression of me as that which is Not of memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see/realize and understand that in/as my need to seek for a feeling that I believed was me, have not understood how we’ve only ever existed here in/as memories/characters/personalities as thoughts of/as the mind of our parents as who we are within and as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my seeking for a feeling that I believed was me, to disregard that which matters most as me as my physical body within and as our physical reality.

to be continued

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