Day 77: “WTF was I Thinking?”

Six months ago a friend of my daughter, I’ll call her A, who’s 28, called me and shared how she was contemplating suicide. Then last night, she followed through on her thoughts in attempting do so. She swallowed well over 100, over the counter acetaminophen, after spending 4th of July evening with friends drinking alcohol and watching fireworks. Something to note here is to STOP drinking alcohol, and certainly if you are going to drink the lethal shit, determine first for yourself to NOT make a life or death decision while doing so… When everyone was leaving for home, she told one of her friend’s that she was going home to kill herself, and when she got home, she also left her apartment door unlocked.

It took a little while for her threat to sink in, but when one of her friends went to check on her, she found her covered in her own vomit and quite belligerent. The friend was finally able to get her in the car and drive her to the hospital just in time for both of her kidney’s to shut down and for her heart to stop. The staff at the hospital were able to get her heart to beat again and placed her in a drug induced coma to allow her kidney’s opportunity to recover.


As of now, she’s awake and on 24 hour suicide watch and they’ve said that her physical body should fully recover… Can our physical body ever actually recover from such abuse? And what now?

What’s different from 18 hours ago and what will stop her from trying to kill herself again? Her mother and her sister are tippy toeing around the subject. They don’t want to talk about ‘what happened’ around her because it might upset her…???

We have to ask ourselves how it is that we’re willing to sweep the obvious under the rug, instead of sharing, caring and forgiving ourself.

I’ve known A for at least 7 years and she’s familiar with the Desteni material. She joined the original Desteni forum 4 years ago but was never much interested in applying self-forgiveness.

For most of my day today, I was physically uncomfortable. I was angry and I was judgmental. I wrestled with stopping and forgiving one line of thought which was,, ‘WTF was she thinking’.

So then today, when Marlen Vargas Del Razo, posted her blog, it certainly caught my attention. Her blog is titled: ’82. “WTF was I Thinking?”’

Below is the specific part from her blog that assisted me, though I suggest one read her entire post.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.” ~ Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I realized how I had ‘reacted’ to hearing the information this morning and within that created a limitation where within my mind, I secretly made a judgment toward A (which was actually a judgment toward self), thoughts that were so silent, I couldn’t hear them for the limitation I had placed upon myself through my ‘reaction’. Thus, I was existing within a point of giving up before I had even started to forgive myself for the point I was facing.

I know from walking the process of self-forgiveness that one must always bring the point back to self, and so it was – approximately 4 1/2 years ago, just months before beginning to apply self-forgiveness – I struggled with thought patterns that I never told anyone about – of taking some pills to put an end to what I saw was me giving up on myself and life, and giving in to my mind. Instead, I discovered and began walking and applying the tools of Desteni, and, I never applied self-forgiveness for what was quite a stupidity loop within ‘the character of thoughts of committing suicide’.

I’ve never forgiven myself for abusing my physical body similar to the choice that A made. The difference in A’s choice and mine is that I created a character within my mind through thinking about taking pills to kill myself whereas A manifested and entire person/personality that she physically lived-out.

“A Personality is created from an accumulation of characters/similar characters that come-together and then manifested an entire person/personality that you physically live-out.” Sunette Destonian Spies

The point is here before me as I’ve never walked through in self-forgiveness the ‘character of thoughts of committing suicide’, because I feared admitting me as them.

There is really nothing I nor anyone can say or do to ‘save’ A, though, when I have the opportunity – I will ask her – WTF were you thinking? What matters is our Physical Body and applying self-forgiveness for who we are and what we’re accepting and allowing within our Physical Reality. What matters is bringing self to the point of self-honesty and seeing that it doesn’t matter ‘where we are’, we cannot escape facing ourself within our responsibility to what is here in how our world exists. See – One is able to show themself through self-forgiveness how in every moment that I FOR GIVE ME, I receive that which I give which connects self within and as the World as a Whole.

In the following blog post – I will walk through in Self-forgiveness, ‘the character of thoughts of committing suicide’.

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3 thoughts on “Day 77: “WTF was I Thinking?”

  1. Thanks for sharing, Cathy. I can only imagine what it would be like to face your own thoughts staring back at you being played out by your own daughter. So, very cool that you will take on this point As yourself as that way we can take the point as who we are walking it and be able to support another facing the same thoughts and patterns that one will go working with as you write yourself in this point.

    So, let’s breathe and walk. We are Here.

  2. Hi Marlen, it was a friend of my daughter who tried to commit suicide. Still, it is a point that I am familiar with and thus yes, will walk through in self-forgiveness. Thank you for your support.

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