Day 35: Under the ‘In-flu-ence’ – Part 1

I’m currently, and have been sick with a cold/flu for a little over a week now, and after hearing the interview on Eqafe titled: ‘Life Review – My relationship with Mourning’, I now have a clearer understanding of how the memory of my brother and sister – who both passed away within the past six months – how the memory of them and their sudden death, is having an affect on my physical body. I’ve been avoiding looking closer at the point because when I do, it’s painful. When I say painful, I’m referring to an overwhelming urge to cry, and, I ‘feel’ slightly lost within myself since their death and the death of my mom 11 years ago because, I ‘feel’ like I’ve lost the family members I was once the closest to.

In common sense, I know the ‘feelings’ aren’t real, and during the day, I have no problem breathing through the point. However, in the middle of the night, every night, if I wake up to go to the bathroom or to get a drink of water, that’s when my mind will bombard me with what I call ‘midnight memories‘, (a design of the mind consciousness system) – which consist of reliving the events/experience/fears circling within me of both their deaths. Then, yesterday, I was notified of the autopsy results as to how my sister died, and that added anger to the fuel of the already formed memory constructs.

I begin here in gentleness and patience with myself to release the memories and their in-flu-ence through self-forgiveness.

Art By Scott Cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to use me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me as my physical body to be influenced by the death of my younger sister and brother who I always ‘felt’ were my responsibility to care for and protect and thus ‘feel’ guilty about their death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for how my sister died in her abuse to/towards her physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to/towards my brother for the abuse he manifested/created and accumulated within and as his physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a similar death as my mother and my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to/towards myself for the abuse and accumulated affects of taking for granted me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory constructs of the death of my sister and brother to swell up within the center of my being where all I want to do is sit and cry, but which is manifesting illness and influence against and within me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed, influenced and controlled by the mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the void in aVoiding walking this point through in self-forgiveness,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as knowledge and information through a common sense understanding of life and death but used that against myself in that I accepted and allowed myself to engage it into a state of inner suppression, hence the in-flu-ence the memories have retained within me like a prisoner in custody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about myself to be mourning the loss of my brother and sister, because I ‘thought’ in my state of ‘knowledge and information’, that I was better than that causing the affect of my dishonesty to build into and as a physical affect within and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an only understanding (knowledge) of what it means/entails to breathe and walk this point through — only speaking it and not living it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the hate I experience towards the system is actually the anger and frustration I experience towards me, because I have accepted and allowed this experience within me and I did not stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and frustration within me through me believing and/or thinking that I am powerless in the face of the system as my mind of emotions and thoughts as grief and mourning.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that abuse exist within self through accepting and allowing myself to be abused by the mind and because I accept / allow abuse within me – I accept / allow abuse within the rest of the world as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself within what I see this point to be, which is self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am simplicity

I commit myself to realize that I am simplicity.

I commit myself to walking the point of my relationship with mourning through to release through self-forgiveness in self-honesty.

To be continued in Part 2

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