Forgiving Grief


I laid down to get some rest and my mind began to rehash the past weeks events leading up to the death of my brother.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a moment relive the details and decisions made regarding my brothers treatment as if there is or was something different that could have saved his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recap and replay pictures in my mind of how sick and frail my brother looked before he died and I forgive the feeling in my gut that’s like an emptiness within me that can never be filled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over the last words my brother said to my step dad before he was put into a coma which was ‘daddy I don’t want to die’.

I fogive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for my whole life act as the protector of my baby brother and even now I feel angry at death and I see how the pattern as the older sister still wants to hang on for it’s life. I stop. I breathe. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for participating in and as grief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my tears in this moment because I don’t trust who I am as them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a point of denial within me that I sense has been a false sense of security.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger toward the messages posted to my brothers face book wall telling him to say hi to my mom and my sister in heaven and I forgive myself for the tears swelling up from within me as I just typed the words ‘to say hi to my mom and sister in heaven’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the messages on my brothers face book wall saying that now God has a new angel and I forgive myself that I want to write back to them to stop spreading their nonsense on my dead brothers face book wall which only serves to make themselves feel better and that their words are really only trashing up our world with more deception. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can serve to protect my baby brother from life’s harm when in fact the only way that I can assist anyone in any way is to first assist myself in stopping me as my mind and directing myself in self-honesty as my mind and to continue to stand in support of an Equal Money system so that all life will cease in its suffering.

I realize and understand that my mind as consciousness is designed to react to the death of a sibling according to a specific pattern and in the moment that I participate in the thought and the emotion is the moment I become manipulated and controlled in the deadly design of and as a mind consciousness system. I stop. I breath. I forgive and release and redesign myself according to a principle of Equality.

I realize, see and understand that it is only myself that I’m reacting to and that there is no one to blame or to be angry with and that I alone am responsible for what I accept and allow and be and become within my life and this world. I choose to walk in self-honesty and face myself and what I’ve accepted and allowed within this world, and stand in support for and as all life that all life may live in dignity as all as one as equal.

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