I hate this world – The choice to stop and breathe

Every memory of myself involves fear of loss, and whether it was a fear of losing a parent, a relationship, a job or money, or fear of losing my mind, and the fear of losing my life – the starting point has always been that of fear, fear of facing myself. My whole childhood was that of reactions and fears and there was no way of knowing how to disable the charging up that was coming from within myself. It wasn’t long before I had suppressed and become the fears in which I participated in within my mind of repetitive thought patterns and emotions and feelings until there was nothing of me except memories. The strangest thing is how I began to justify and validate my fears as I manipulated myself into accepting and allowing the fear within my mind to continue to direct and control me.

So the tools of Desteni I Process has assisted me to release myself of numerous points of fear and self manipulation through applying self forgiveness and breathing. It’s an education for self that all can benefit from and it would have been amazing to have been taught the tools of Desteni as a child. Every moment of self is a process, so today, upon hearing of Gadhafi’s death, I became aware of fear that was coming up from inside me. I saw how my physical body stiffened in my shoulder and chest area and honestly, I wanted to attack. The energy seemed to swell within me and suddenly I realized that this was it, a moment of fear where I decide what I’m going to accept and allow myself to be. Was I going to give in to fear, anger and anxiety, (which was a point of fearing the future), or am I going to breathe through the energetic reaction. Because there’s always a choice for self to stop and breathe.

At that point, I wanted to cry and then I saw disappointment and judgment and I began to look at how the emotion and anger was building itself according to four words: ‘I hate this world’.

I chose to stop and breathe and stand within and as the fear and see for myself what it is that I haven‘t dealt with because fear only hides what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be.

In that moment of breathing it’s as if everything stopped and I saw how within those words I was existing in polarity to the point of feeling sick, sick at what I was seeing done to another human being – the physical sick feeling reminded me of the power of the mind of consciousness and was nothing more than a coping mechanism – it is not who I really am. It’s truly amazing how in that moment the fear, anger and anxiety was gone.

My physical body assists me and when I stop and breathe I am able to direct me as my mind as my physical body. Our process on earth is not an easy one, however through self forgiveness and self honesty we have the power and the responsibility to stand and direct ourselves to stop. Moment by moment let’s get this done and be a living example of equality so that all may exist here in dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear to manipulate and control me. I stop. I breathe and direct me here as living according to that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to
change. I stop. I breathe and accept and allow myself to be the change required to stop fear and suffering as atrocity and stand in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a coping mechanism to not face me and my responsibility in how our world exist. I stop. I breathe and direct me here according to a principle of equality that I may assist and support all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear. I stop and breathe. I accept and allow myself to forgive myself and stand responsible and accountable for and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and thus I cannot lose my creation because my creation is me. I accept and support myself to stand according to ‘what’s best for self is best for all’.