Here I am sitting in front of my computer finishing a mind construct lesson through Desteni I Process. The particular mind construct pattern is titled "My Son"- the following line reads, ‘I do not have a relationship with him’. This gives one a perspective as to why I am about to say what I’m about to say – it has been a bitch. It has also taken me longer to complete this mind construct than any of the one’s I’ve completed and, I have become physically ill on four separate occasion since beginning it, a month and a half ago. I’ve had an eye infection, a throat infection as well as one night of commode hugging, (throwing up) since I began it. So yeah, lol, it’s been a bitch. However, the support my physical body has provided me with is beyond anything I would even care to describe. It is something one has to discover for themselves and there is nothing that can be compared to it as it is an education, a rededication of/to and as self as all as one as equal.
I accepted and allowed myself to emotionally wound myself all long time ago and, I am certain now that ‘time does not heal all wounds’. I began participating in feelings and emotions of inadequacy to such a point that I literally became the resonance memory of a familiar pattern that I barely recalled the thought patterns of.
They were there because through this lesson I was able to recall them and write them out, lay them before me to see for myself who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to be and become. There was one particular thought pattern, that when I participated in it – it began a series of feelings and emotions that I could feel all the way through to the pit of my stomach to core of my being. I identified it as having been a part of a memory pattern that I participated in as one of the very first traumatic memories I have of myself since I was very young.
As I participated in and the charged thought patterns, I continued to wound myself through an emotional perspective of myself. Emotional wounds grew, where I felt inadequate and as if I needed someone and/or something to complete me.
Through Desteni I Process – I’ve been able to release, therefore, heal my own delusion – a self-inflicted wound that began through me participating, accepting and allowing myself to be directed according to/as and, beginning as nothing more than a thought in my mind that was never even real in the first place.
That’s what I noticed about myself sitting here, a wound was missing, lol, an old wound , not just mended – released of it’s scar. A question to ask is; ‘what is the greatest wound in this reality’, and how can we all come together as one and equal to release it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself in regret, incomplete and unfulfilled where I sought someone and/or something outside of myself to fulfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a false sense of pride of being a great mom which was actually a point of ego and the desire to be something that I was not able to be and/or that I pretended to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resentment and/or define myself according to what is rude and/or non-rude in order to remain feeling comfortable around others within a fear of offending people where they then won’t like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an imaginary world within my mind where through patterns of self abuse emotional wounds grew where I felt inadequate and as if I needed someone and/or something to complete me.
When and as I see myself within a pattern of blame and self-victimization – I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that I have walked the patterns over and over and it is a pattern of self destruction – I stop, I breathe. I direct me here according to and as the principle of equality.
When and as I see myself participating within an energy pattern of seeking, wanting and desiring to be something other than who I am here in this moment - I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that I am the directive force of me and I will not be directed by and as the energetic pattern – instead I stand according to and as all as one as equal.
‘The Book’, Coming Sept. 11, 2011