Forgiving Me Once Again of Spite

I sat straight up in bed suddenly from  the dream that I was seeing.  In my dream were people from my past who have meant the most to me throughout my life.  The ones who stood out the most was my mom who died over 9 years ago. Then there was an uncle who I was once extremely close to,  and a woman who I once called my best friend.  All of my children and grandchildren were in my dream, but they didn’t play a part except as an acknowledgement from me as being a part of me.

I was walking with my mom and my uncle as well as my best friend.  And even though we were all walking together there was a strange awareness of our separation.  My mom suddenly faded away right before my eyes,  and strangely enough that was ok with me as I waved to her goodbye. My uncle and my best friend however were in my face, so to speak, as if they were standing before me for me to see myself.  Then both my uncle and my friend suddenly nodded their heads at me, as if to bid me farewell as they turned and walked slowly away from me. 

It was then that I became aware of the most beautiful and enormous dark chocolate horse who was standing to the left of me.  He had been beside me all along and I had only just now noticed him.  His body glistened of beauty and as I stood there taking in his beauty, he looked into my eyes and nodded at me as well.  Then without saying a word I heard him say, wake up, see who you are.  That’s when I sat straight up in bed and I started coughing and there was a wheezing noise coming from the center of my chest and it took me a second to catch my breath.  I was so very thirsty so I went for a drink of water. As I sat drinking my water I became aware of my dream and what it represented of me.

I had just witnessed for myself how I have been standing in separation of all life, and how easy it is to fool oneself into believing that you are facing yourself.  I am grateful for how my physical body assisted me.  Because in the center of my chest where there was congestion I was now aware of where I have been holding myself in and as spite.  If you’ve ever made a spit ball where you dampen a piece of paper and then roll it in a ball – then you’ll understand what I mean when I say that I have been carrying and existing as this rather large size ball of spite right in the center of my chest where I’ve been judging and spiting others, only now seeing that they’re parts of me to be forgiven. 

In my dream, my mom represented the part of me that I have forgiven. My uncle and my best friend represents the part of me that I resist seeing the most and what I hold against others in condemnation and spite. I was having difficulty deciding my next mind construct to walk through in my Desteni I Process class – this assisted me to see where I have stood in separation from others as myself and where to begin to face me in self-honesty and release what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through self-forgiveness.  I begin here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn and spite others instead of seeing that I am in fact existing as the point of my spite as I have existed in separation from others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself in believing that I was seeing myself clearly when I was actually existing as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distant as I eased into a spitefulness unrecognizable to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to barter with myself as I held others in contempt not realizing that I was holding myself hostage within my own mind delusion of hate and spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to park myself within a corner of my mind where I judged another not seeing that I was becoming that which I judging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the part of me that I fear the most where I became uneasy, angry and dissatisfied toward the actions of others not realizing that it is only me that I am uneasy, angry and dissatisfied with as I existed as that which I spited. 

I Stop. I Breathe and I face me in self-honesty. I stop existing as condemnation and spite. I forgive myself and I direct myself according to and as the Principle of Equality.

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