I just completed the mind construct with regards to my ex-husband, who I was married to for 8 years. Through the ‘Desteni I Process/SRA2’, the lessons and tools they provide is how I’ve been able to walk the pattern/construct through and release it. I always referred to the marriage as that of mental and physical abuse. However, I now understand how I and I alone projected and created myself into the marriage and I am completely responsible for how I experienced myself.
As I was writing the memories and the time line of the mind construct this past month – It was imperative that I remain breathing because I noticed specifically how the pattern within the construct was attempting to manifest here as me within the physical. It was very interesting to say the least, because I began to bite my fingernails. So I had to be able to stop myself and breathe and it was interesting because the only time in my life that I have ever bitten my nails was during this particular relationship. A specific memory that I was writing was when I began to notice myself wanting to bite my nails and it was the memory at the beginning of our eight year marriage which was the exact point where I began to bite my nails. Let me explain further.
The pattern began within a mind construct formed when I was a child with regards to my step-dad, (which was the previous mind construct I just finished) how I blamed and manipulated him by believing him as abusive toward me when that was not the case. As a child I created the perception of love/hate within situations where I experienced inner conflicts of emotional/feelings of turmoil. ‘Love’ being defined by me as, ‘those who loved me and cared and supported me would do so through physical hugs etc’. When I didn’t receive that they way I thought/believed I should, then I would experience inner turmoil where I would then act out by crying/isolating myself, and/or misbehaving, and subsequently, I would then get into trouble by receiving physical spankings from my step dad. Which I then defined and associated within an idea that ‘love’ will hurt and abuse me.
I then began to experience myself as the ‘victim’. Powerless towards authoritative figures, in which I defined as someone who will demand something from me, and if I don’t give in, then they will hurt and abuse me. The relationship that I had with my ex-husband was merely me playing out the pattern which was charging/maintaining and keeping me locked into an already designed mind construct. Why? Because, I had established a point, that my step-dad had authority over me and I gave my power away to the emotional turmoil that would come forth from within me. Then as that perception manifested of me being powerless towards him, I created the belief that he abused me. Thus experiencing myself as the victim, I confirmed this point of self-victimization within myself by running off crying which manifested further as I created more fear within myself where I then created a belief that I was being abused by him. Which for me represented a point of authority and me experiencing myself as powerless, and my step dad as being the authority that I was powerless to. lol – It took me a bit to be able to write that out where it made sense in words to me!
I continued this pattern further with my relationship with my ex-husband and I compounded further points of self-victimization. Because instead of running away crying as I did when I was a child, I would instead suppress myself further in fear of showing my tears in front of him and withdrew further into myself, where I then began to bite my finger nails, which I had never done before. This point was a protection-mechanism and was the basis of me forming the habit of biting my nails. And the whole point of the self-victimization pattern continued to charge itself as I continued to participate as it. All of which was me manipulating myself within the fear of being alone because I feared that I could not provide for myself. Another example also of how an Equal Money System would assist people – because with Equal Money, people will be able to move out and take care of themselves and not further compound the already existing mind construct, but instead begin to face themselves in self-honesty. Free from the fear of surviving!
If you’re reading this and you’re not familiar with the Desteni I Process – then you’re going to want to get familiar, because it is amazing how I’ve been able to locate the pattern within a mind construct in which I created, where I have existed and walked as, in self-victimization, self-manipulation, self-belief and self-judgment, where I have been stuck in and as, for my WHOLE life. I can now walk the self-corrective application in self-honesty and self-trust. Never will I accept and allow the pattern to be who I am ever again! What a release…Ok, I’m still writing self-forgiveness on this point and will share here soon.