I was eating lunch one day in fourth grade when I overheard some teachers who were sitting behind me eating lunch. They were talking about how a daughter needs her father to set an example for her to show her how to act and be around men so she will then know how men should treat her. I remember eating a deep fried burrito, my favorite school lunch, but hearing their words caused me to lose my appetite. I barely knew my real dad and my step-dad, as far as I could tell, hated me.
I became depressed, feeling as if I was cursed and I would retreat within myself where I was always protecting myself instead of actually living. That is the first starting point of self direction that I can remember. I continued betraying myself, because I didn’t want to take self-responsibility for my life according to how I was experiencing myself. I suppressed what I was actually experiencing and I would blame my experience and/or my situation towards my parents, particularly my step-dad. When I became angry, I retreated within myself more, but continued presenting myself to my world as a sweet nice person who is strong and responsible. But alone, in the darkness of the night, I was terrified, lonely and worst of all, unforgiving of myself. I participated in my mind, how someday someone would come whisk me from my sorrow’s and the fantasy kept me detained in lockdown. I had the ‘knight in shining armor’ wish of love and light and laughter. And I trusted no one, least of all myself.
I eventually sought religion, spirituality, enlightenment, and now I realise, I must come out of the closet. Though I don’t really know much about lightworkers, I see now how, if I had not began studying the Desteni material, I would have willingly become one. The whole lightworker movement is just another religion. And religion is what I used, abused and became because it gave me reason to give people what I thought that they think they’re missing in their lives – all the while missing the truth of myself as I became nice and polite, and full of shit..
I’m grateful for my current lesson on mind constructs in SRA because beginning one on my father, I am able to now see the points to face, forgive, and release myself in self-honesty and self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in dreams and wonderings in my mind according to an idea in my mind that a prince charming was going to save me – instead of standing as directive principle within the principle of equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have words of wisdom for others according to a self definition within a belief that I have religion, spirituality and/or am enlightened – instead of taking self responsibility for only myself through and as facing self in self-honesty according to the equality equation for and as all life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of being glad that I wasn’t a lightworker when actually I’ve been a closet lightworker living an illusion that I wasn’t one. I stop. I breathe and I direct myself here as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the words of others without first looking within myself in self-honesty to see the common sense that no one can determine who I am or will be and become except me – here breathing as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself to a feeling of desire to be loved by one of two men both of whom I refer to as dad.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my step-dad was mean and abusive – instead of realising that I am that which I perceive myself to be experiencing from another according to how and what I’m accepting and allowing within myself. I stop. I breathe. I accept and allow myself to accept me for who I am becoming in self-honesty as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was somehow scarred and/or branded in and as feelings of abandonment and sorrow where I projected blame and manipulated myself to become nice and charming as a way of seeking attention and the energies therein as I was suppressing energies of anger and resentment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become the living expression of anger and in order to contain myself I became the nice people pleaser as I existed in fear and blame and projected patterns of ego onto my step dad where I then talked behind his back to others about how abusive he was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fell betrayed wherein I blamed and and manipulated others so as to validate myself according to how I was participating within my mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions based in fear of loss of control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the hope of religion where I put faith above and outside of myself where I avoided taking self-responsibility for my world and the suffering of others where I accepted abuse as I became the abused and the abuser.
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