I had some additional mind components to finish today on a mind construct regarding my mom that I’ve been writing out in SRA. It was then I realised something more which is, as long as I knew my mom, I never really knew her. I mean, I knew this but it’s just now really sinking in because I’ve never really known myself, because, her and I are one in the same. People always said that my mom was a classy lady, and I guess by the standards we use and abuse and exist within and as in this reality, it would be true. She gave the standard picture perfect reality lined within the walls of her home. She decorated according to how she wanted others perceptions of her to be, and she took pride in maintaining the front. To know this about her is to know this about myself. The point here that I have seen within myself is that I have tried desperately to maintain the same sort of image. Yet when mom died, there was no longer anyone to continue the role playing game with, and so it seemed I had lost a part of myself, when in fact I never even knew myself, so there was never anything to lose. The ideas of feelings of loss that I have held so dear and participated within and as, were all based in self-justifications, ‘ideas’ of my mind, self-limitation, learned behaviors, and all of which have been self-dishonesty and a lack of self-acceptance. I won’t say that I’m disappointed with myself, it’s more of a relief in the points I’m realising, forgiving and releasing. I no longer accept and allow myself to give the appearance on the outside as being different/dishonest according to how I am existing on the inside. I stop. I breathe. I accept and I allow myself to direct myself within and as self-honesty. I begin here as all as one as Equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sad and/or happy is a real experience of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing another within a pretense that another can fulfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future therefore I utilized greed as a means of protecting myself within and as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a game of self-manipulation of ego wherein I acted as if I were high and mighty when really, I thought the whole thing was stupid and unimportant and didn’t really matter compared to all the shit happening all over the world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be someone I really wasn’t so that my mom would love me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required myself to be loved by my mom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overcome by a feeling of wanting and needing the approval of and by my mom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be something on the outside other than how I was really existing on the inside, thus existing in self-dishonesty. I stop. I breathe. When and as I see myself participating in and as such I realise that I have walked this before and I know where it leads and instead – I stand in self-honesty and self-acceptance of me as all as one as equal.