As I walked home after school with my friends there was much talk about how wonderful it was to be kissed and I felt left out. I was in 6th grade and I had never been kissed. I would sit and imagine what being kissed would feel like and I incorporated the stories my friends told of being kissed into and as my own stories made up within and as my mind. I participated so much so that I can barely remember the actual physical moment of my first kiss. The replay over and over in my mind about what it would actually be like caused the actual physical act to be diminished. The whole time I spent within my mind in anticipation of the moment – I completely fucked up the actual real physical moment to such a degree that I barely remember the actual physical touching of lip to lip.
It was after school, and I was walking home, and I remember the guys name as if it is sketched in my mind as some sort of keepsake, but I can barely remember what he looked like. That’s probably because of all the times I spent in my head imagining what the first guy who kissed me would look like. We walked home from school the same way and he lived about 4 blocks from my house. On this particular day, we weren’t far from where he lived when he just stopped walking. As I turned around to ask him why he stopped, he leaned in and kissed me. That was that, then he said, see you tomorrow, and he turned and walked up his drive and disappeared into his house. After that kiss, him and I barely spoke again and we never walked home again together. I remember thinking that kiss wasn’t worth it, but it didn’t really matter. I remember my thoughts more than anything because, I couldn’t wait to get home that day to call my friends and tell them that I had just been kissed. The whole moment wasn’t even really about the physical kiss, it was about finding another mind to listen to my mind tell the story of my first kiss. I see now it was only fuel for more stories as me and my friends fed off of each others fantasies. I’ve used and abused myself and others my whole life the same way over and over by spreading experiences back and forth from mind to mind. We’re just placements here and we follow the plan and examples set before us. I honestly don’t know how we’ve managed to not completely destroy ourselves yet. Because we live according to a preplanned destination in accordance to our current money system. We can’t survive without money, and many are not surviving… The only reason we accept and allow the current money system to continue the way it is, is because we’re feeding off pleasantries within and as our mind. We don’t really give a shit about anyone or anything, and I know this because I have existed as such. It’s taking me awhile to completely comprehend the total damage here, but, it’s massive and global. Not one of us is immune to the damage we are continuing to accept and allow…
There have been many ‘firsts’ in my life and mostly they’ve all been contrived from ideas placed, approved, accepted and allowed by me as I existed and acted according to who and how I believed I was within and as my mind… There was the first time I thought I was in love, the first time I had sex, or the first time I got married, and/or the first job I ever had. They’re all pretty much the same story as my first kiss was. Except, for when I delivered my first baby, and even my second and third baby. Clearly that makes sense because, I was in physical pain. The physical pain assisted me to remain breathing. I remember a nurse when I was delivering my first baby who kept telling me to breathe, saying, ‘breath is your savior’. She was correct…
I can see how our world has evolved to encompass such atrocity because, while we’re participating within and as our mind, our physical body and our world is adjusting and reflecting according to our participation. We neglect our physical body to such a degree that our physical body has to give up, and then we die… I honestly don’t see another solution for us and our world except to support an ‘Equal Money System’. It is definitely the kindest solution to assist humanity, so then we can, at the very least stop our fear of survival, so we can begin to breathe first, and piece ourselves back together in self-honesty and self-forgiveness. Support Equal Money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form the word love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fulfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in suppressing emotions and feelings means that I am strong and that I have courage.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that in only changing my behavior I am only changing another perception of the mind. I am not behavior. I am the expression of life within and as oneness and equality which I live and express in every moment of me here breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within and as.