With my hands on my hips and my hair all pulled up on top of my head wrapped tightly around 2 huge curlers specifically placed, to adequately straighten my curly hair. I stood there laughing and chatting it up with my mom. She’s sitting in the living room having a cigarette, and together we’re sharing energetic outflows within the same mind pattern of wishing and dreaming, as we both continue to participate within and as our thoughts. It’s March of 1974, I’m 15, and it’s going to be a big night, so we were making believe what we wished would happen. Strange though, we were actually playing make belief about the same man… Our date together were scheduled to begin at 8:30pm, and we were still not sure what to wear because, there were questions to be answered like, what if he actually saw us, or, what if we got a kiss or a rose from him, and we thought that was funny… I can still see myself standing there as if it were yesterday. I can see how lit up my moms face is with excitement, and I wished the day we were having together would last forever. The strange thing is, I remember the topics of our conversation, but I don’t remember an actual single word that I chose to speak as me. I remember our laughing and discussing our clothes and all the, ‘what ifs’…
The experience of myself was energy bound, and mom and I seemed to be bouncing off of each others words with precise timing… And, yet, not one word spoken can I specifically determine. The picture in my mind is of me standing there, with my back to the camera of whoever took the picture, because I don’t remember. But I remember the picture, because I still have it packed away somewhere. I don’t need to find it though, because I can call it up whenever I want to because, it exists within my mind.
It’s interesting though that the whole memory exists and is connected to that goddamn picture. I mean, I’m just now realising that, I see me in my mind, how I’m standing there, frozen as a picture accessed only on my decision to participate. I have give permission according to what I accept and allow. And hell, I’m not even moving in my minds picture, and neither is my mom.
I remember feeling my hands on my hips. I remember how the energy I was participating in of the moment felt, but there is no actual feeling. The experience of the fact that I was spending time with mom stands out as having the most meaning because, it was a rare occasion, or so I thought, of just me and her. None of it was even real. We were both just passing energies of our mind.
I was possessed. I was existing as a mind demon possession. Playing out scenarios over and over and the truth is, if any of them would have really happened, I’m sure now I would have froze up inside because, I was so ‘involved’ in the relationship in my mind, and I had no clue how clueless I was. And, I was getting ready to go with my equally possessed mom, to my first concert where we were about to see Elvis Presley in person…lol I have pictures of him up on that stage and I know he was moving and shaking and singing and sweating all over that stage. I know because I remember I was there, however in my mind, he’s just an up close picture just as frozen as the picture I have of self. When mom and I walked up close to the stage, we were there long enough to snap 2 pictures before we were told to return to our assigned seating…I guess it was fortunate for my mind that I snapped that close-up moment because, from our assigned seating, Elvis looked like a spec…
The location of our seating just reminded me of the only ‘vague’ perception of negativity the I had the whole day was mom saying how she knew she should have spent the money and bought the higher priced tickets, how she could have, she had just allowed herself to be so cheep. I knew that wasn’t true, that she didn’t have any extra money. I had overheard the arguments she had with my step-dad, and I knew she had overextended them. She didn’t want me to know because she was embarrassed all because of money. So, as the saying was at the end of the concert as Elvis left the stage, and right before the lights came on – Elvis, has left the building…
Money was then, has always been, and still is the monkey on the back of humanity. We exist within our minds pursuit of happiness, because we’re struggling so much to survive in our current money system. We imagine we’re survivors, but that’s not true. We’ve yet to overcome our most prized possession according to and as our mind. We’ve only been barely surviving the direction we have accepted and allowed it to direct us. We as humanity, we’re on the edge of the cliff, and we’re barely hanging on. The ropes have been thrown to us, and maybe we’ll stop and breathe and release ourself thread by thread in self honesty and self forgiveness. Stopping ourselves as Mind Consciousness Systems. And, Standing up in support of an Equal Money System. Giving all life here equal dignity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to de-value myself according to the values I placed upon another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide in self dishonesty within what goes on inside me through trying and or attempting to convince myself in my mind as thoughts that I am not lost and that I am aware than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of words when I speak them thus existing in separation from and as words – instead of standing and taking self responsibility within and as living words as me within the principle of equality..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so involved in thought patterns in my mind that failed understand that what is real is here within and as my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed within and as my mind so as to escape myself from my world within what I alone have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the ego of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for the fact that I perceived myself as having a horrible childhood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise me by accepting and allowing me to participate in my self defined nature as ego of the mind just to impress others because I am not living and applying self honesty as me and who I am.