Laying on my back in the cold bathtub with a knife at my throat was not my idea of a happy ending to the party. I looked in his eyes as he way cursing and calling me names and I considered he might forget he’s holding the possibility of ending my life tightly in his left hand. I wouldn’t allow myself to take my eyes off of his eyes. It was all that I had and I was using it as a tool to bring him back from possession to a possible awareness of himself here. It seemed as if the moment was in slow motion and that maybe it would never end. I remembered how many times in my mind I had feared a moment just like the one now before me. All the times I had worked it out in my mind, how I would fight to save myself, yet now under the weight of his anger, I wasn’t able to move.
I began to fear men when I was small hearing my parents argue behind closed doors in their bedroom. I was 5 and I was terrified my step-dad would hit my mom and kill her and I would be left all alone That never happened but their verbal abuse towards each other left scars of patterns, and I played the scenario out over and over in my mind. And now here I lay, wondering if I would live through what seemed like hours and hours of screaming and threats of how I deserved to die. I wondered in that moment how come I hadn’t listened to friends who told me to get the hell out of the abusive relationship. How my ‘situation’ was ‘beyond my control’. And now here I was and the fears I participated in within my mind were before me. I could hear our neighbors dogs barking outside of the bathroom window and I focused on their barking as if I was telepathically telling them to bark louder. I asked myself as I stared into his glare how come I’m still here and the only thing that came forth was the fact that I had no where else to go….We were overdrawn and underpaid and every move and decision I made to stay was based upon the fact that I couldn’t afford to leave. Money problems brought so much stress to our lives and his parents paid our rent often. I feared they were ‘beyond my control’ to because, their assistance was a way of not dealing with the real issue of abuse. The abuse was bought, paid for, an signed with the family blood money…
The dogs became louder as I heard a pounding at our front door… that’s when he removed the knife from my throat, closed it, and calmly put it in his pocket….As he let go of the hair on my head, he backed up against the bathroom wall and told me that I had better keep my mouth shut or he would finish what he started. I believed him, and I assured the police officers that I was fine…
I stayed in the marriage for 3 more years until I finally left. Because honestly, I just couldn’t afford to leave. People told me that I was stupid for staying but they had money so that was easy for them to say. The truth is, I accepted and allowed myself to believe that to leave him was ‘beyond my control’ and so I abandoned common sense. The only thing I knew for sure back then was that if I had had the money to leave, I would have. All I really wanted was some small sense of security to survive in this world because, I was terrified how I would exist and I feared the idea of having no money, more than I feared facing a knife again at my throat. Money is our god and I no longer blame my ex for the abuse because, I began creating the abuse in my mind long before I knew him. We just matched energetic mind outflows and produced the accumulated effects of how and what we were accepting and allowing ourselves to be and become and we manifested the consequences. My physical body kept me from listening to my mind that night, from the pain from being thrown in the bathtub, which hurt like hell, but got my attention.
Whenever fear overrules us, that is where our mind will focus. Which inhibits our ability to see clearly the solution. So the pain reminded me that I was still breathing. If the current money system offered assistance by providing all with Equal Money, eventually abuse would become less and less, until it would all end. Because people will have a way to provide for themselves everything they require to exist here within and as our world, and that’s when common sense gets a hand. And we will bring an end to our ‘Current Money System’, a system that sacrifices life for money. We’ll then realize, that what seems as ‘beyond our control’, is only accepted and allowed within our mind, thus not real. What is real, is here within and as the Physical.
Support an Equal Money System – End All Abuse – Support All Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice me as who I really am as life by accepting and allowing myself to be and become this programmed system within me as the mind of thoughts and feelings and emotions as that which enslaves and controls me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away through accepting and allowing separate manifestations outside of me to influence, control and direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another as I have abused myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subdued and controlled by blood money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my part in how the current money system murders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed bribes of blood money in order for me to be comfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that something is beyond my control.
I stand and direct me here according to the Equality Equation of all Life.