After much digging with regards to an earlier video I made, ‘Stopping BlindFold Effects As Fear of Loss’ and blogg, the word ‘Beginning’ confirmed through muscle communication as a relevant self-definition point to release. The video was cool assistance for me in opening up and seeing some cool points to forgive. So, how have I defined myself according to and as who I am within the word ‘beginning’. My definition of the word ‘beginning’ was always from a knowledge and information starting point within dishonesty. Meaning, the definition I lived as ‘beginning’ was according to and as the same as beginning a task. As if my whole life and everything I do is a work assigned task of gigantic proportions and that idea of self must stop… I see where this belief I held within me ‘began’ and I’m bringing it to it’s end. When I was 9, every day after school, I wanted to go outside and play with my friends, my mom would say, ‘not until you I begin to get your chores done’…??? How does that make sense? I always had 4 to 6 chore assigned, so when I finished one of them, vacuuming, and was almost out the door, she stopped me and said, ‘your not done’…??? I was confused, because I was going to begin to finish the rest after I played for a bit. I got into trouble often because mom accused me of twisting her words, but I know now that she wasn’t really hearing herself in self-honesty here within and as breath one as her words.
That’s how I began to form resistance to the very ‘idea’ of beginning anything I did. Whether it was a school assignment or chores at home, it always seemed like I was avoiding beginning my life in every area of it. Like I was on hold…Paused, stuck in my mind of wonderings. Soon I became fearful at beginning anything the least bit unfamiliar or unknown and I hated myself for accepting and allowing such a belief of myself but I didn’t know how to assist myself. It surely would have proved helpful if someone would have suggested I stop participating within and as my thoughts and the emotions and feelings my thoughts triggered.
Then I went to the polarity extreme of myself. I accepted self-limitation to such a degree that I sought validation through trying things others usually won’t try. In 6th grade I became determined to learn how to ride a unicycle and pushed my mom past her resistance of me having one by getting my dad to buy me one. I remember the day when I realized that my mom could be bought with money. Her opinion about me learning to ride one completely changed when my unicycle was bought and delivered, she then said how cool it was that I was going to learn to ride one… The look on my face when she said that may have gotten me in trouble if she’d been seeing me. I was shocked because she had made a really big deal about it not being something I needed to do and now I’m like, where was this attitude when I was trying to convince her to buy me one. I saw then just how powerful a tool money is, in how it determines for us who we are and what we accept and allow according to it. It was as if we never had money until the t.v. broke and we needed a new one. Because within an hour, there was a new one replaced in the spot where the old one was. I wore glasses from the age 7, and when I was 13, I asked for contact lens. My mom wore contacts and she always said she would take me to get a pair when I turned 13 because, then I would be mature enough. She didn’t ever use the word responsible ever, so it’s no wonder I never really understood being self-responsible because, I never heard the word used. I didn’t get my contacts till I was 15 because we didn’t have the money. Well, we did, when we had to have a new car just because the price was such a good deal.
This is how I was trained in accordance to self-value within and as our current money system. My mom was trained the same way and I trained my children the same. We all have but we don’t and I won’t continue to support such nonsense because, ultimately children are the ones who suffer. One thing I know for sure is that I never knew how to ask the right questions and, I’m referring about asking self questions because I never asked myself my own perspective in self-honesty so as to understand myself within all that is here. Children must be supported to do so before they become trapped fully engrained within and as the system because, the current money system is not supportive of any form of life here. Unless your form is outlined with pockets of money.
*With regards to the meaning definition of self regarding the word ‘Beginning’ are there any feeling manifestation points relevant?
**I have a sort of cozy feeling in my solar plexus when saying the word ‘beginning’, like how ones stomach tickles driving down a big hill. Interesting how from that feeling memory came forth a pictured emotional memory of a the huge hill that lead to my grandma’s house. My mind is now taking me by way of a picture presented in my mind’s memory of the front porch of my grandma’s house.
When I was younger, especially around 7 and 8 years old, I longed to go visit my grandma who lived in the country far from noise where she had quite a bit of land and many animals. She was also very physical in her movements as she hung the clothes out to dry and she didn’t have a dryer then so she hung clothes out every day. She had many chickens and roosters and she could grab a chicken, twist it’s neck, chop off it’s head, and have it plucked, cleaned and cooked at a speed that left me wide-mouthed and speechless. She was also an excellent gardener and she did it all, she tilled the dirt, prepared it for planting, planted everything and cared for that garden about as close to loving something for real as anyone is able. I helped her plant and played in the dirt as though I was in heaven.
The simplest moments in touch with our earth and plants and animals are the moments of my past that are the clearest because, I’m participating within and as my physical. Not my mind… That’s what amazed me about her, she wasn’t afraid to get dirty and though our current money system has always been one of abuse of life, it wasn’t something I ever heard her complain about..
That’s the thing though, after years and years of accumulated acceptance of ourselves within our current money system most of us don’t make noise about how atrocious and abusive the system is. We become complacent. We forget ourselves in our moments here as we work our asses of trying to survive. My grandma was tough, but as us all, she suppressed thoughts and they way she felt about life and rarely if ever did she show any signs of emotion. She’s still alive and 96 and I’ve seen her cry one time when her youngest child/son died, and he was 65!!
**Interesting how our mind will take trips to the past in a flash because, instantly I went from the bottom of that hill within a quick feeling with regards to the word ‘beginning’, to the front door of the house my grandma lived.
It’s easy to understand how come we like to take trips because, that’s how the mind is, it trips us in thoughts and then traps us in feelings and emotions. I recall how my mom would make the comment at least once a month, about how she needed to take a trip, that she had to get out of town… Then she would get out of town and couldn’t wait to take a trip and hurry back into town….. It would have been more appropriate if she would have just said what was really going on with her, that really, she needed to escape to new scenery and receive new input so as to charge and update her mind. The Mind Consciousness System seeks and searches always and manipulates us to participate in thoughts which then cause us to move our physical body accordingly and in doing so we fail to consider ourself and all life within self-honesty, so we remain enslaved within and as a Mind Consciousness System.
Memories keep us stuck in our past to such a degree, that unless there is a specifically fed energy charge within the memory and adequate participation to fuel it, we won’t see them as anything more than annoyance and/or entertainment. And the effects of accepting and allowing ourself to participate within and as them is the guises of self dishonesty. The memory patterns seem to converge and emerge as if to have value and the only value they serve is when we’re facing them in self-honesty, pushing the points through in self-forgiveness. Otherwise they are as useless as the files we put in the recycle bin of our computer.
Because just like our computers requiring input, when we ask the correct input within the starting point of self-honesty then we’re able to effectively follow the point through to release and walk self-corrective application. Which will bring us to an end point which is the beginning of self as all as one as Equal. Everything here has a beginning and an end. So the point that brings us to an end will be our ‘Beginning’ direction of and as self as All as One as Equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe a pre-defined meaning of myself within and as my name.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to determine who I will be according to who I was a moment ago, an hour ago, a day ago and tomorrow. Instead of realizing who I am is here breathing as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an hour glass perception of myself according to time. Instead I stand here in this moment breathing equal within and as all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a predetermined definition of who I am in this moment. Instead I realize that words are here for communicating and sharing myself here in this moment within and as all life here.