Fears of my past are Dying

I spoke to a past friend of mine K today.  The person I once referred to as the best friend I’ve ever had, and the one person I use to say was the one person that ‘I could always be ‘myself’ around.  It’s strange to even write: ‘I could always be ‘myself’ around’. Truth is, I’m only ‘beginning’ to know who I use to be and, what I accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and that part of me, is dying.  In the past 3 1/2 years, I’ve spoken to her 4 times, and 2 of those were when she came to the hospital when A had her baby.  I knew she remarried almost 2 years ago and that her daughter was going to have a baby, but other than that, we rarely communicate.  So Saturday of the past week, her daugher gave birth to a baby girl and she was on top of the world. She stayed Sunday night at her daughter’s home to get up and feed the baby so her daughter could get some rest.  Monday morning she arrived home, and she said she couldn’t wait to tell her husband all about the baby. She was shocked to find him laying on the floor where he was confused and couldn’t move one side of his body. She thought he must have tripped and hit his head because after all he’s only 45, and he was able to talk to her while she called the ambulance.

He died hours later and, the cause of death was a massive stroke. My daughter called me today to tell me and, as I hung up the phone, I noticed how I felt ‘obliged’ to call her. I Stopped, and I Breathed because, I saw how it was like I was about to be hit with the ‘morality’ construct within the rules of ‘right conduct’.  And, it seemed as if ‘fear’ was waving me in and I refused. I had to stop and ask myself, what is really going on within me. The ‘feeling’ of being ‘obliged’ to call her was merely the distraction point that my mind accessed in order to keep me from facing the real point, which is the fear of death.  The fear of death, that’s the Biggie of all fears.  The moment I fear, I become whatever it is that I’m fearing.

My understanding of the accumulative effects of myself and the effects I’ve created within myself and my world is something I’m only beginning to comprehend. But, it seems with regards to walking through and past my fear of death, will require me to accumulate myself here breathing in self-honesty and self-forgiveness. Where until within every moment, up to and as my fear of death approaches,  that I remain willing and able to face and release all fears as me as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing past reflections of me within and as my past relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the part of me that I no longer see but that still exists in my past relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another being is the cause and reason for how I am expressing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold another accountable as being responsible for how and how I exist here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying based upon an idea within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the act of dying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the manner within which I will die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss and/ or absence of what I understand as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death to be the extinction of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress fears of death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘the designs of fearing my own fear’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and  allowed myself to connect dying to fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting  myself to fear my own fear of death.

Later, I called her, she said that, ‘she ‘felt’ as if she had been on an emotional roller coaster because of experiencing such ‘joy’ in one moment, and then such ‘devastation’ in the next moment.  And that she was just trying to ‘process’ it all.  I listened as she shared and I was aware that she is in shock so I suggested that she blog.   I shared with her that, I won’t offer prayers, because they’re useless, but that she is welcome to call anytime she requires assistance in facing self in self-honesty. Being in ‘shock’, has a way of grabbing our attention.

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