As I sat down to blog, I realized that I wasn’t sure how old I was or what grade I was in when I was first taught to ‘diagram sentences’ in school. As I researched for pictures of diagramming sentences on the internet it was interesting to discover how ‘diagramming sentences’ are similar to what is referred to as ‘mind mapping’. Those two words ‘mind mapping’ and seeing pictures of how to ‘diagram’ a sentence assisted me and it is not surprising that I have had difficulty in writing out ‘mind constructs’ in SRA because I’m still existing as the child who was fearful of and never learned how to properly diagram a sentence.
That’s when I remembered that I was in the fifth grade and almost 11 when I was first taught how to diagram sentences. I remember sitting at my school desk looking at my lesson and feeling uncomfortable in my physical as I squirmed and shifted positions in my chair. I was very confused but also fearful of asking for further direction from the teacher. I turned in the first assignment and when the teacher returned it to me with the grade being a D, he asked if I needed some help understanding my lesson. I managed to find the courage to ask him why is it that we have to learn how to diagram sentences anyway because I didn’t see how it would ever assist me later in life. I remember the look of annoyance as his face became distorted and he told me that it didn’t really matter whether or not I understood how come I have to learn how to diagram a sentence – that the important thing was to stop asking unnecessary questions and to focus on learning my lesson. Then he suggested I return to my desk to re-read the lesson and if I required help to let him know and he would stay after school to assist me. I remember thinking that I couldn’t stand being in class with him during school hours, that his breath smelt like cow shit, and that I sure didn’t want to stay after school.
I did learn a lesson that day because I stopped asking questions and began to comply to the rules set before me. Single moments as this have accumulated as me over years and years so as to adhere to the rules of ‘the society’ that somehow I was born into and to make sure that I conform and follow the rules of the programs. It didn’t matter whether or not there was any common sense to the rules of ‘the society’. I stumbled through my class that year and passed with a ‘C’ with the assistance from my best friend, who basically did most of my homework for me. My teacher never once offered any assistance, but worst of all, I stopped asking questions and accepted my placement within a system that I was being taught to follow. I accepted and allowed fear to manipulate me and now I am seeing that my fears in my mind were nothing but lies.
This childhood pattern still remains as me because when I am reading information and instructions, such as in my SRA class – there are moments when I have difficulty comprehending exactly what is required of me to complete my lesson correctly. It’s as if I am once again battling within me. The only thing that assists me is to stop the lies of my mind – breathe and be patient with myself.
In SRA, my lessons, and Andrea have assisted me to realize – that what occurs within me began when I was a child, and is what is referred to as a ‘brain flip’ — a childhood pattern – where as a child I would have difficulty learning and comprehending what the teachers were saying about the material as well as I feared asking for assistance. This results in dyslexia where one will shift from one brain hemisphere to the other which is why at times I experience myself as not being able to handle information dependent on a specific brain hemisphere.
The common sense within realizing this pattern within me and in beginning to put the pieces together of when this began is incredible assistance for me. I have never in my life had a teacher or anyone for that matter who has provided me with such a clear understanding of what has been ‘happening’ within me, as well as providing me with a foundation of support in which to begin to correct myself through further investigation in self-honesty and applied self-forgiveness and self corrective application.
This is what ‘Desteni’ offers = Life changing support and assistance which actually puts the tools for self right here in our own hands.
I’m going to continue to deconstruct, disengage and stop the ‘mind mapping’ of my childhood patterns where I further accepted them during my childhood education. Already my resistance to writing out a ‘mind construct’ in SRA is stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions for fear of looking stupid or getting into trouble for not conforming to the rules of the system.
Instead – I direct myself to question and see the common sense so that I may understand and comprehend who I am here as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a judgment of myself and to believe that I am stupid.
I direct myself to question and see the common sense for myself what is here and what is real as all as one as equal.
To be continued…