I was reading Sunette’s recent writing today on the “PRACTICAL DESTENI – Blog”. After I finished reading it was when I remembered something about a teacher I once had in school. I was in fourth grade when my parents put up a basketball goal over the garage door and we had a long driveway so many of my neighborhood friends would come play. One day as me and some of my friends were playing I was trying so hard to make a basket that I accidentally threw myself up against the garage door and hit my right wrist against it. I fell to my knees in pain and the pain continued for a few days but my wrist wasn’t swollen so my mom didn’t think I needed to be seen by a doctor. It was only when my teacher complained that I wasn’t completing my homework that my mom finally took me to a doctor and I found out that I had a fractured wrist. I write with my right hand so I had to teach myself to write with my left hand to be able to complete my school homework.
One of my teachers, I don’t remember his name, made a comment to me about how I was ‘special’ because I had become so good at writing with my left hand.
That was the first time in my life that I can remember a ‘man’ telling me that I was special. I sucked in the energy of that moment and the energy that surrounded my ‘idea’ of being special. As with all energies, the movement within it could not be maintained and at least once a week he would tell someone else how special they were. I remember becoming jealous and spiteful towards the person he was referring to as special. Then, my experience of myself was that of wondering off in my mind trying to ‘think up’ ways to capture his attention just so he would tell me again that ‘I was special’. I tried really hard and I was never able to capture myself the same in his eyes… But really, I never stopped seeking and searching for a way to capture the specialness of my own eyes within my mind.
I remember fracturing my wrist, but I had forgotten the teacher telling me that I was ‘special’.
In the moment of remembering, I can feel the energy surrounding me as if I am standing in front of my teacher again. The energy seems as influential and self-degrading as that of being sexually abused. My physical body has just became nauseous. As I stop and I breathe – the nausea stops. It seems like I just used a pick axe and cleared part of a root to a part of my mind which was contained in order for me to not see the influence the moment had on me.
I don’t blame my teacher because I am responsible for myself within what I accept and allow. However, teachers must stop telling students they’re special and instead assist them to express their individuality in self-honesty within the Equality Equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of planning ways in which to appear special so as to receive validation from men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others outside of myself in order to maintain a sense of specialness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a ‘positive statement’ given to me where I then formed ‘thought manifestations’ within context according to the way I was ‘thinking’ about them within and as my ‘conscious mind’ towards my reality within a sudden and unexpected change that manifested of which I reacted to within and as my current reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a self-definition of and as a personality of and as the ‘mind consciousness systems’ as that of being ‘special’.
I am going to investigate this point further to see if it requires me to write out a mind-construct.